Work!!

As the baby in a family of 6... being lazy came naturally to me. Not so lazy that I never got a job or moved out of my parents house. But lazy enough that I did just enough to get what I wanted. If it required anything more than that, I didn't necessarily care for it anymore.

Which brings me to my real topic...

When I was single, dating was a lot of work because it just consumed your time, and energy on something that might end after a few weeks or months. You spent time fake getting to know someone, and simply knowing someone in the very surface. I expected a proposal 2.5 weeks into knowing you, needless to say... I hated it, but did it, because not dating wasn't in my plans. But it was very half ass... If I didn't immediately get what I wanted, I stuck around, then moved on to the next mission. I would fall in lust quickly, then move on...(potentially the title of my future memoir.) It would be a whirlwind high of emotions, that required too much for me to continue or bother, or for them to continue or bother. Wrong timing, Wrong people, Wrong everything.

BUT, if anyone had given me a gentle reminder that a relationship is sooo much more work, I would have gladly kept dating. Social media blurs your vision in remembering that an adult relationship requires a lot of your energy, patience, forgiveness, time, effort, flexibility, consistency, emotional strength, did I mention patience? Basically a whole lot of every possible human emotion & ability... things you don't seem to see hashtagged in the captioned "my best friend" posts we see plastered all over the gram...

Let me tell you, if my friendships required ALL THIS effort, I would NOT have this many friends... I only say that because the expectations I set for my friends are far different from what I set in a relationship. 

So basically it's not "effortless", or easy .

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my partner and love sharing a life with him, he has made me learn what it is to selflessly love someone other than myself  (him & my dog, go figure lmao). BUT that's only in some moments of the day, other moments I'm wondering What.The.Real.FUCK. Mostly because it requires more of me than I'm use to giving and often more than I'm willing to give. I feel it's because it's pushed me to do more work than I've absolutely ever been accustomed to. It's because I'm use to doing just enough to get what I want & that technique doesn't seem to work when it comes to maintaining an adult relationship.

& by work what I mean is mostly a lot a lot a lot of mind fucking yourself and adjusting, because you're sharing your life with a whole other human.

Getting lazy gets you no where, and not putting in works, means you just won't make it through.

Not to say I won't get lazy down the line, it's still relatively new, so we're still in the good good phase of our relationship. But the way it's been set up, we kinda "started from the bottom , now we're here" type of relationship, it's been an uphill battle in which every phase we simply get better, stronger and more solid. So, I really can't complain. Hashtag Relationship goals...

we're good. He still hasn't proposed, & it's been more than 2.5 weeks in... & look at me... still here. Impressive...

xoxo
Signs the girl that actually likes this guy even with the work

Plus One...

For the most part a large majority (not all, for those ready to side eye me) of my friends have been in relationships for many many years.. That or they've been in back to back relationships... so generally no one really discussed how much of an adjustment it would be to go from One...to plus one. No one really tells you how many changes you make,  how much you have to adjust for team work. I've clearly been in relationships before, I've dated a whole lot, heck I've even been married... & Still this is coming as a surprise to me.

You don't know how comfortable & seemingly easy it is to be alone, until you aren't anymore. 

Not to say I don't love this experience. Don't get me wrong, my heart can just about burst with how happy I am at the moment. It's been all things, but mostly comforting to find "home". Someone who adds to your day to day and doesn't take from it. Someone to share your most intimate moments with, with things as simple as making dinner or watching a new show together. Or as big as sharing responsibilities and making next step decisions. This hasn't been a walk in the park for us, "We've been through some thanggss"... & now the dust has settled and I pray in gratefulness daily...& we're just getting started in this journey in a sense... This unit that we've formed had a rocky foundation which we are now solidifying and I'm in love with its perfect imperfections. Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to come together.

BUT...

It's one hell of an adjustment when you are so use to making decisions solely for yourself. When; who, what, where, or when are things you don't even consider because its all about YOU, MYSELF & I. For a large chunk of my adult life I didn't even want to report to my boss. It's a whole other ball game these days. Decisions aren't made on the fly, or at least I don't feel they should. Obviously everyone has their own means & methods of making things work for them,  & that's great & beautiful. The way we do things is that we discuss our decisions, because all decisions will essentially effect us at one point or other. It's been one heck of a reality check to learn what team work is again. To adjust to the methods of give & take. To learn to choose your battles, because let's face it you will face PLENTY. That a plus one isn't about the fun brunches & cute photos, it's about the moments where you're wondering if it's even worth it, and somehow are either reminded or have to remind yourself that it is.

I'm not an expert on this, I'm simply learning, adjusting, taking notes as I go. Embracing the moments I craved, with the one human I can tolerate out in these streets. Learning that my plus 1, is meant to be my plus forever and a day, and in order for that to work, I'm going to have to LEARN CONSTANTLY how to grow, adjust and work with this person. That adjusting is not a thing of the beginning, that we adjust 2 years in, 2 months in even 30 years in because as humans we're constantly shifting and growing, that includes our relationships.

Things essentially stop working when we stop adjusting, because things that can't bend, eventually break.

So, I'm learning to bend and appreciating the moments where I see the way he is also bending to accommodate our new lives. So I continue to be grateful for my plus one, while being fully aware, this is NOT EASY, and isn't suppose to be, but it's suppose to feel worth it, and that it does. That we're not picture perfect, but we're working on OUR picture still.

xoxo
signs the girl that found her plus 1.

The Art Of Overthinking...

2019 is 28 days in & already I feel I'm learning a lot... as we all should be, always. 

Life is like one dragged out lesson... 

I'm a fairly open book, not in the sense that I publicly spread my personal news, or that I tell anyone that would listen all my life updates, like the nail technician.... But I do often share my thoughts, experiences , woes, with those closest to me. I enjoy hearing people out, hearing their thought process and how they view things, how they take in information. "What would you do", "how do you see this". Until I realized that my over thinking was often fed & triggered by the thoughts & opinions of the people I was closest to. 

If you know me well, you 

A) know I over think absolutely everything 

B) I've gone to you various times to hear me out

... that is until now... 

I've taken a break on B, which has caused a tremendous influence on A... I've decided to cut back on having people "hear me out", because most people don't know how to be soundboards, it's human nature to give their thoughts & opinions, its absolutely every one's right. But the reality is, most people just want someone to listen to them, not school them, teach them or guide them on things no one really knows how to do "Right". Unlike math lessons, in life 2+2 is not always 4... Not that I don't want to hear your input, more like your input is interfering with my own personal goals, desires, objectives... and that's where we have a problem. Those who care for us tend to give opinions, loaded with judgment and half ass information. 

While yes it is often healthy to hear the thoughts of an outsider looking in... NO it should not trigger such constant discomfort where you are doing things you aren't even sure you want to, based on the thoughts of everyone else. OR even if you aren't taking action based on their words, you create a constant strain in your inner balance. 

The reality is, EVERYONE... is amazing at giving advice, yet NOT so great at following it themselves. It took me 32 years of life to finally accept & realize that everyone does the things they want, while telling you the things that is "Right" to do. & it doesn't work that way, we must always reflect on ourselves and our own situations before we judge others. (which is also why I've taken a break from Judging in 2019, and lord was I judgy, because it's been tough) 

People close to us want to have so much of a say in what we do, so much so that people now take your silence and reservation as if your holding a secret, as if your personal decision is something that HAS to be shared. I guess in their defense it's what people are use to. 

2019 is 28 days in...and for the first time I have a spotless mind... not consumed by over thinking or anxiety on my decisions/choices/ life track... I'm not holding a secret just guarding my thoughts by not letting yours in. No one is doing it right, everyone is just doing it different... so focus on your choices, your problems & your accomplishments... because that's what I'm doing... 

fall back, small pack.. I'm doing me.

xoxo

Signs the girl protecting her choices. 

Toxic Relationship PTSD

For those of you who do not know what PTSD stands for, it's "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

It's diagnosed on people who have lived through extreme traumatic experiences, not something to be ridiculed or belittled. Which is far from the intention of this post. More so to draw light into what I'm calling Toxic Relationship PTSD.

Before I get into it, I'll start with a disclaimer that I have been blessed with the relationships I have had in my life, as they have not been traumatic, more so always a learning experience. My "dating" experiences, well that's a whole other story. I and many people around me truly do suffer from this type of PTSD. It's experiences that have impacted us enough that any signs of it, causes an unexplained uneasiness, and often triggers an unmerited response. No two experience is ever a mirror of another, but from time to time you get flashbacks of those who have wronged you in some way and to avoid that feeling, you're defensive...immediately.

I'm still going through this, no matter how often my partner proves time & time again, that this is a whole other story, I still continuously have to pep talk myself down from an over reaction, due to things he doesn't even trigger, simply remembrance of my past. It's difficult to explain to someone who may have never experienced it. It's that feeling of jumping to conclusions simply because you refuse to fall for those type of things again, so now everything somewhat resembles the signs. EVERYTHING is a sign pretty much. "Oh, that was a sign, that I should walk away"... because walking away often seems like the easier thing to do.

It's a learning curve to date someone new, you have no idea what makes this person tick, you just know that you like them enough to figure it out. It's a growing pain, especially since most of us come in it with baggage. We come in sometimes resentful, often reserved & always ready for things to just go left. (because that's the direction you're use to things going).

But how do you get past this? How do you get past assuming this won't work out either?

When you figure it out, let me know, because I still don't know. lol

I'm still going through the growing pains, I'm still experiencing moments where I'm like "Fugz this shit"... still side eye him, still blame him for things he didn't even do. Still jump to conclusions and don't give him a chance to prove himself. I was judging him before I even figured out how his mind works (please note this is an ongoing process)

BUT I do less of it now. I give him a chance to fuck up, before I assume he will. I'm less pushy, and side eye him less, which in turn causes him to do more, to prove himself more, to be appreciated more.

I still haven't figured this whole thing out, and I don't know how it will turn out or work out. But for now I'm experiencing it, not comparing it to my past, not comparing it to anyone else experiences, setting expectations i'm not meeting aside. Embracing it's good until he fucks up.

I must say, It feels good to let go a little... it makes for a better ride & I really...really like this ride

xoxo
signs the girl recovering from PTSD.

The art of overthinking & sucking at it...

I'm quite certain I've perfected the act of overthinking. I've mastered not much else in life but the ability to over-analyze just about anything. From a casual statement a coworker makes in the pantry area, to a text a friend sends regarding anything. I'm usually fairly open about my overthinking ways when it comes to intimate relationships. What most people don't realize is that this is me in EVERY interaction in my life. I'm not entirely sure where it stems from, I'm just fully aware that it's something I do, & I do it often.

Again, I'm not sure where or how this started in my life, but from the day I could remember forming my own thoughts & opinions, I remember analyzing everything. I must also add, I SUCK AT IT. I'm pretty much wrong 75% of the time with the things I make up in my head. You'd think I'm watching a completely different series form the synopsis I give. Usually my stories have horrible endings & the whole world is out to get me... NO.IDEA.WHY.

I've lived a fairly blessed life, I've surrounded myself with my fair share of family & friends. I, like everyone else has been hurt by people... but the way I make shit up in my head you'd think I'm surrounded by deadbeats ONLY. Which is essentially far from the truth. I guess this is why I tend to shake these thoughts from my head & bring myself back to reality, But not before I've over-analyzed the situation long enough to disturb my own peace. No one disturbs my own peace, more than my own thoughts do.

As I write this I realize, "damn, girl you need therapy"... Because I definitely do. Not sure if it will help quiet down my brains trigger to read into everything, but won't hurt to try.

My relationship is a battle of it's own, the way I over-analyze a simple "ok" is definitely an annoying art. Nothing can just be what it is, everything must mean something else, because why wouldn't it? Maybe I watched too many teen dramas growing up, or read too many novels. But the way I jump to conclusions is almost comedic. Eventually one day I'll be right, and it will only take one instance for me to justify my thinking always.

I'm not intentionally this way... I much rather not be... but here we are, no surprise that the girl that writes too much, also thinks way too much. For the most part the thoughts I share with everyone else make sense. I've learned to leave my far out ideas to myself, because even I know when I sound a bit crazy. Usually people judge others by the thoughts you share about them, so to avoid that, I avoid sharing... But that leaves me often having to talk myself out of my own thoughts, which in turn does in fact make me feel like I have a problem....

I so often tell everyone to stop thinking so much & let the universe work as it should. I tell people that we give power to our negative thoughts & manifest them... Yet, I do this on a daily basis... I'm basically an overthinking hypocrite... But I'm working on that...

well that was a lot... hope that made some sense....let me know...

xoxo
signs the girl that thinks enough for everyone...

You get what you give...

Either I'm so selfless & I don't think anything I do is a lot... OR I'm actually not doing much in comparison to some (because according to most people they do the MOST for their partners) & I'm extremely selfish.

I'm the youngest of 4 girls... I received attention naturally, my parents at the time weren't overbearing with attention ( I say at the time because something switched in my mother the older we got & her levels of attention skyrocketed, Papi has been very consistent with showing love in a very unique way ), but we were always taken care of. We were trained to be highly independent & not to rely on anyone, also we were shown love not by affection physically but through attention. We're super defensive of our crew (gang), and we have each other's back when need be. We weren't spoiled with material things, but they gave us (me) things as much as they could. Their focus was education, always, nothing else really mattered.

I start by stating all this, because the first teachings of love is obviously in our upbringing...how we learn to receive it is how we'll give it eventually.

So where were we...oh yes "you get what you give"... after analyzing myself, my friendships, past relationships and observing my friends... what really is a lot? what are people giving so much of & how do I give it too? If you know me or ever dated me, you know I require an immense about of attention, but you have to be strategic, you can't give an overbearing amount, but just enough that I want to keep getting it (as you can see, not complicated at all). I think mostly because attention is all I really know how to offer.

You won't get endless hugs & kisses (unless I'm drunk), I won't cook you daily meals, I won't call you sweet things, or give you a series of compliments. I won't take you wherever I go & I won't go wherever you go. I won't stay home because you prefer it. I won't give you elaborate gifts... I've pretty much summed up all the things I don't do, BUT want to receive & feel I deserve... seems hypocritical, no? ... Well I'm working on it, I'm working on either showing my love differently or accepting that love will be shown to me to the extent that I show it (for the most part).

I mean I'm not a terrible human either... I shower you with attention, I'm always available to talk & I won't miss a call or message. For the most part I'm readily available. So when I don't get this in return, all hell breaks loose, probably mainly because it's all I really know how to give of myself & my one indication of true love.

So does anyone every truly get what they give, or people are just showing love the only way they know how? Is everyone just truly giving their best shot & what's best, is truly relative. How much compromised is required? Should I be expecting what I don't give & that's final?? So many questions I'm still trying to figure out...

xoxo
Signs the girl that is quite needy...

Tolerance & other things...

Hey Y'all!!

It's been some time since I've sat to chat. (With myself). I'm an over thinker by nature so essentially I'm always having conversations with myself. But from time to time I like to spill it all in writing & share with the universe.

So what's today's topic... tolerance! (& I'm not talking about my alcoholic tolerance which I might add has plummeted since I turned 30) I'm talking about our tolerance in relationships, be it amicable, professional or romantic.

BIG NEWS... 

::whispers:: I've recently stumbled upon a romantic relationship...

Like real deal bae status... & let me tell you... What the heck was I complaining about while single?? Because this shit isn't easy. I'm learning about myself in a different light & level than I ever did single. Not saying it's terrible, because in that case I shouldn't be in a relationship, but it's definitely a learning curve for me. It's NOT quite like hopping back on a bicycle (which I don't know how to ride to begin with). It's different because time changes you, experiences taint you, and how you once did things doesn't always work. There's essentially no right way of doing it. Or easy way. Especially when it's been a long while since you've been on this ride. It's brand new, it's different, it takes work & effort. & big shocker shit doesn't just happen overnight!!

I guess one of the most difficult parts is that it's absolutely nothing like you pictured it would be all those years that you were single & wildly dating. It's not instantly love, it's not instantly home, it's not instantly exactly what you wanted (because I def didn't want him lol lol)

Every situation is obviously different,  everyone has a different take, approach, view & tolerance level...

If you've been in any relationship long enough, you know one of the many necessary attributes is some level of tolerance, which goes hand in hand with compromise. It's the ability to set feelings aside, & decide what you're willing to put up with & work around. I state feelings aside because if you involve your heart too much, you might be tolerating a bit TOO MUCH. It's working with someone & who they are and build a partnership to become a unit. Something that doesn't happen overnight or automatically, not for everyone at least... definitely not for me.

My work in progress unit is not perfect, and hashtag relationship goals worthy. It gets uncomfortable, it gets questionable, it's tested me already, But it's also my comfortable, my place of not questioning, and its the answer to all the test I've failed in the past.

My experiences & views are mine alone. I'm use to things beginning with an ultimate HIGH (making it a steep face first crash down usually). This particular relationship was different for me because it didn't start with that high, it's been a gradual uphill rocky journey so far. It's constantly progressing & developing to better & that's what forever sounds like to me... It's two people growing better together... & making it work, every mini step making it worth it.

but I guess we'll wait & see...


xoxo
signs the girl that's working on it... always