When good still feels bad...

I never considered myself a bitter or tainted person. I've been through my fair share of "bad" experiences. I've encountered my fair share of "ain't shit people" people that have wronged me in some way or other. People that didn't deserve my time of day but somehow I managed to give them more than that...

It's not until you have a decent thing going that you realize just how bad people messed you up. It's not until things are going right, that you realize just how much wrong you've been through. Simply because even the right things you proceed with suspicion...because you find yourself doubting even the kindest of gestures. Like your life has become a big game of, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because its bound to...because that's how life works, isn't it? God forbid something could be all the way good, right?

I find myself in that place right now, where good feels doubtful... where good is temporary & I shouldn't make a home out of it... a place where I'm setting myself up for what will go wrong, because something always will...right? I've been in false good places before, in situations where it felt all the way right and then BOOM.... it's not. So I almost don't hype myself up anymore, but you can't help but have a little bit of hope, like maybe this time?

I'm not bitter, but I'm tainted... I see the goodness in everyone's heart, but I'm also aware of how capable people are to try to prove that their wrongs aren't wrong at all. I've seen how easily people convince themselves that they are doing NOTHING wrong, when they in fact are. So I'm doubtful, I question my own judgement, over analyze & over think.  I take every gesture & thread lightly. I refuse to dive head first, when I'm aware that sometimes diving in is what's required to make things work.... that dipping in your toe far too long might lead to losing your chance at a potential good swim....

That I find myself so ready to be hurt, that I hurt myself in the process... so here's to letting good be good, despite how much bad you've been through...

no more waiting for the shoe to drop... just taking today & right now for what it is... and hope for the best without expecting the worst...

xoxo
signs the girl that needs to get out of her own head