Climax

I am a believer of energy...

It's contagious...

It's engulfing. 

It's gravitating... 

You engulf me.
from a distance.
you swallow me whole.

takes days to recover from the short lived whirlwind of energy that breezes by from time to time. 

but like most things, I'm unable to pinpoint the many reasons why....
how it could create a complete imbalance in my day to day

your energy.
from a distance
it's contagious.

Thrown off center,
or the center I'm constantly inching to reach. 

it only seems to happen in certain instances. 

It only happens when your energy is synced with mine and I'm made aware of your presence. 

when you knock on my door...
from a distance
I drown

I know my words make no sense right now, and it's a puzzle piece that I have yet to figure out.
A bunch of pieces I can not explain. 

A book that is a collection of short stories

with unexplained beginnings, middle, or ends...

but always a climax...

from a distance

you move me

Why continue to try to explain...

I'll wait for the next short story...

until the next turning point...

xoxo

-Signs the girl that makes no sense

What is this?

I'm always quite in tune with my feelings. Always very self aware of the sentiments of my heart. I'm usually not aware of much else.

But...

For the first time... (ever possibly), I have no idea what the intentions of my heart & head are at the moment. 

I keep thinking & feeling one thing, & doing the polar opposite. My head & heart have never agreed in quite anything, and the one time they seemingly do. I don't follow their guidance. 

& I don't quite understand why. 

I'm in a funny place.

Where I just want to run with it, see where it takes me...

VS 

stop that shit right now baby girl....

I've been in that place, plenty of times, but only when I knew exactly what my heart desired. Never otherwise. 

this... 

this is the otherwise. 

What's keeping me here? 

It's an unsettling feeling...To not be in tune with the only part of myself I've always been connected fully to. I'm a follow your heart kind of gal, so why is my heart being so silent, & my actions 

soo...

loud.

Why am I still trying to see where this takes me, when I've already been made fully aware where this is leading..

unless I don't know...

even that sounds silly to me, made myself laugh with the thought, because I do know...

SO,WHAT IS THIS?

Guess I'll find out...

XOXO

-Signs the girl that isn't sure, but mehh... 

Week by Week

You never really know where life will be week by week. 

While it feels like so many things are monotonous & that nothing really changes...

It does. 

everything does. 

Some weeks, I patiently wait for what the next will bring, simply because I'm not too fond of present day. I remain positive simply by understanding that all things are temporary and that the overused saying "this to shall pass"

... is so accurate. 

So some days, 

I just wait. 

wait patiently through the minor storm and gently hold my breath till the situation is different. Until I no longer feel the things I do. 

Until the occurrences of today, suddenly become issues of yesterday and eventually a simple, "oh, remember that."

I know the feeling way too well to let myself get too consumed in the right now. 

even though essentially right now is all that matters, some today's you have to think of tomorrow in order to get by.

So today... I'm daydreaming about tomorrow...Ready for the new feeling of monotonous filled days, with a billion little changes...

but for right now...

I'm gently holding my breath... 

xoxo

-Signs the girl ready for next week...

Thought Bubbles

From time to time, I consume myself with a variety of thoughts. 

Thoughts that come at me like traffic during rush hour. 

I'm not too good at silencing them, it's as if the more I try, the louder they get. 

I'm an over thinker by nature, so when you give me something to think about it's like a volcanic eruption in my brain. In which all my suppressed old thoughts come rushing out, along with every single new one. 

& that's where I drown.

That's were I become mentally imbalanced... 

That's where I'm a chaotic mess inside. 

That's where I become completely off center. 

& I just want them to go away.

Suppressing yet another set of memories. Putting away another photo album in my brain. 

I go through sessions of "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind"... 

where I selectively eliminate memory triggers, where I weed out all the things that will make me remember. 

But in order to selectively forget, you have to remember.

Remember every single memory....

Remember every single detail.

Purposely make your stomach turn with the good & the bad.

Having moments where you wonder if you'll be able to forget.

but like all things...

eventually...

you do.

Those memories stop having substance

they become distant

they become faded.

thoughts, that like bubbles, 

dissipate into tiny particles 

...that have no effect on you...

xoxo,

signs a soon to be spotless mind. 

Self inflicted

I've noticed people, (myself included) tend to stay in bad situations.

Things that cause mental, emotional, even physical pain. 

When asked "Why do you stay", a clear answer is not always really given. 

Probably because it's never clear why we do it.

We don't always understand how we can be fully aware something is bad for us, yet continuously make the conscience decision to stick around. 

But as some point we must take responsibility for the situation, whatever harm is being caused is essentially self inflicted. We all make decisions and staying is the decision you have made, no one else. 

This is obviously easier said than done. It's easier to sit here and say "JUST WALK AWAY"... not knowing the many invisible ropes that tie you to the situation. 

But only the things you accept continue to happen. 

Not sure where we all obtained this masochist trait. Where deep down everyone likes to feel , even if that feeling is pain. 

I'm just not about that life anymore.

No energy to entertain what is doing nothing for me.

Stop concealing bone deep wounds with temporary band aids...

time & time again.

xoxo

-Signs the girl that loves herself too much

Be careful what you wish for...

"Law of Attraction"- 

1. Thoughts attract corresponding situations and circumstances.
2. You get what you think about.
3. You attract into your life whatever you focus on.

I've heard a lot of talk about this whole "Law of Attraction"

 was never a full believer.

Till now.

Until it seemed everything I consistently asked for, I was getting. 

Doesn't sound too bad when you put it that way. Until you become well aware that you shouldn't even want half the things you ask for.

Which has now made me extremely cautious with what kind of energy and desires I put out there.

We seemingly do in fact get what we want, just sometimes we learn its not at all what we truly need.

I've learned this a few times in the last couple of years. I've learned that we don't always know what we want, we simply assume that it might work. 

That things that work, just do, with or without your consent. 

I've been truly analyzing what I'm putting out in the universe. Trying to decide what my needs are versus my desires, because good isn't always so good. 

I've now understood that I've only been looking at the surface, not looking into details that truly make worlds of a difference. 

So, I'm paying attention to the details. Taking a deeper look at what I truly need

being extra careful what I wish for...

because I do in fact always get it.

xoxo

-Signs the girl that knows what she doesn't want

Drowning in shallow waters

I realized a few days ago, that I really yearn for something.

I couldn't put my finger on what exactly, but I think I figured it out. 

I yearn to feel...

I yearn for a feeling so deep I can possibly drown in it.

I've been swimming in shallow waters for some time now, mostly because I had to catch my breath. 

Had to compose my thoughts and figure myself out.

Took a while.

But here I am now. Realizing my desire to feel. 

not to say I've been numb all this time...

...

but close enough

if you know me, you're well aware the magnitude of my heart. 

I pretty much can fit nations in my soul. 

But as of late, it's been feeling a bit... 

empty...

Craving the sensations of being all in my feelings. 

Like I've been so timid to drown in them, that now I want to dive head first from the tallest mountain into a bottomless ocean of emotions.

So much so

that I try to dive in the shallowest waters, 

well aware that it's a 3 feet pool...

then wonder how I hit my head.

Now that I'm aware what I'm craving,
I will stop drowning in shallow waters and seek the deepest ocean...

close my eyes...

& jump

xoxo

-signs the girl that realizes what she wants...