Stability & Validation

Seems like our lives are a constant game of seeking stability & validation. 

Not sure what it is about human nature, but we all at some point or other require the validation of someone else in order to feel like what we do or say holds weight. You'd assume this is something we grow out of, but it's not (at least not yet). The validation & from whom you require it, changes, but the need for it seems to linger around. Like we need the praise or approval of other people to make what we do or say matter. This does not hold true for all parts of our lives, the older I get the less validation I need in some aspects of my life. That does not change that sometimes from time to time I want someone to say "yeah, you're right", "yeah, you're doing good", "Good Job"! 

Or maybe we do grow out of it all together, guess we have to age & find out. 

We are also always seeking stability, but what does that really mean? Is anything ever really "Stable". In reality everything can fall apart at any given moment, because that's life. So why are we seeking something that essentially doesn't exist? The older I get the more I crave this false sense of stability. The more I desire to feel like I have things under control. It's a great, passive feeling which gets questioned constantly no matter how your life is. It's like we're setting ourselves up for failure seeking a state of mind that doesn't really exist. A state of mind whose fundamental parts require you to achieve milestones not entirely set by your own standards, but those set by society. 

So what is it all really, what is true validation & what does stability really mean...to you? 

I can sit here & write over 100 meanings it has in my life... and I'll bet a lot of our ideas match. But are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? are these validation truly valid to our existence? & when does that feeling of stability really kick in? Being a society that is never truly satisfied, is that feeling ever attainable? 

I am no where near the person I was 2-3 years ago, heck I'm not even the same person I was last year, YET with everything I've accomplished I still seek this validation from everyone telling me that I'm doing well for myself & I sill wish to reach this imaginably euphoric sense of stability. I'm not there yet... not at all... 

But will I ever be ...there?

xoxo

Signs the girl seeking your validation that no one else has felt stable 

Do you still talk to your ex?

Society tends to set a lot of rules on what we should or shouldn't do. I tend to, for the most part, go against some of these norms, not to be rebellious, but because I go with the wind & do whatever my soul feels at the moment.

One of the many taboo things I do, is maintain friendships with people I've been intimately involved with. Be it husband, boyfriend, casually cuddling friend ;) or everything in between... I tend to remain friends with some of these guys. Not because I'm keeping them reserved for future reference, but because once I have an emotional connection with someone, it is here to stay. I pride myself in being a good friend, so despite something not working out romantically, friendship wise, it will ALWAYS work. (For the most part)

Not to say these lines aren't sometimes blurry initially, but with time it's like any other friendship. I guess this is also attributed to my ability to get along well with men generally ( a lot of girls say this, but it's not necessarily true,) I'm not a girl with a bunch of guy friends, I'm a borderline guy with guy friends.

But I've swayed off track & the point. While I pride myself in my ability to maintain friendships and in people counting on my energy... I can't help but wonder why the fugz am I being friend zoned? People don't slow fade me, they keep me by their side forever. Like people want to be around me, but not with me? I mean in simple terms I'm likely a better friend than I am a partner. I know it's really a matter of timing and meeting the wrong people, but I must be doing something offsetting. Doing something right, yet wrong...if that makes sense.

This is not to say every single person I've talked to keeps me around. Some people I'm sure want to make believe I never existed (sounds like a personal problem). It's simply to say, clearly I'm not that bad, I have my flaws, as does everyone, but it makes it difficult to pinpoint sometimes.

I'm great or just not that great...

no se...

xoxo
signs the girl that's just a friend...kinda

How are you single?

I get that question a lot, by strangers... by people who know me... yes, even by people who dated me & aren't with me (crazy I know)...

How are you single?

I no longer get asked Why, but how, almost like everyone else is validating that I should have been picked by now...

Some times from time to time, I ask myself the same thing... I have my moments in which I question myself. You see, I have made it a habit to realize you should always look within when there's an issue. You should always first see if the problem is really.just.YOU...

::pick me pick me:: 

I can sit here & lie, say that me being single has been a choice. It hasn't! Me being single has everything to do with various failed attempts at trying something with people that trying something shouldn't have even been an option. It's complicated out there... it's not a matter of who you are, how you look or what you bring to the table...

it's a matter of luck.

Pure fate...

right place right time & hey this worked.

Most people don't like hearing that... they use their marital & relationship status as a badge of honor (yes you should be commended because those shits are TOUGH to maintain, so kudos to you) so they assume it's some secret formula or something they did "Right" that got them there... when that thing was simply the universe.... & patience...hella patience...

I even have moments where I disregard everything else I've done right & think damn "how am I single, I'm dope"... Then I realize my stability... my worth...my value was being determined by my ability to keep a relationship. As if everything else I've accomplished means nothing & the other relationships I maintain well, gives me no creditably.  As if something MUST be wrong because that part of my life just isn't working the way the world expects it to...

How am I single... I'll tell you... by dating in 2017...2016...2015...2014...2013 & being super good at everything else I do except tolerating another human intimately for too long.... By meeting the wrong people at the wrong time... by not finding anyone to match my dope yet...

xoxo
Signs the girl that knows exactly how & why...

Life is still a rollercoaster of emotions

Well, Hey there... It's been a while.

Trust me, I've had plenty to say, but not quite enough time to jot it all down.

Where do I even begin...

I'm quite convinced my life is an ongoing episode of "Insecure" & "Sex & the City". Didn't realize 30 would come with so many moments of "did that really just happen".

In some aspects my life deserves two thumbs up, my career is on a straight arrow path to success & stability, which was expected at 30 & I finally fulfilled my life long dream to live absolutely alone in New York. ::yay for me::

In other aspects... It's an absolute shit show, I work too much, I lost my work/life balance, I've gained some weight,  I have forever growing commitment issues & my dating life deserves a television gig. From dating apps to work flings, to "hey, you're kinda cute, let's spend some time together". You'd think my silence was due to a growing healthy relationship with someone. Truth is, that relationship has been with myself, and like 3-4 other guys. I ended 2016 basically wanting to vanish the entire male species, only to enter 2017 apparently trying to date the entire NEW YORK population. I wonder if that has anything to do with being 31 or simply the bitter taste 2016 left in my mouth...

Life is still a rollercoaster of emotions, & I've accepted that this is a reality. At some point in my life I thought things like this would stop, they would end & somehow adulthood would open up a clear path... boy, was I wrong. If anything, things are more confusing now, dips are steeper, twist are longer & free falling feels like forever. It's almost like the more we learn, the less we know. Life lessons simply teach us what we should have known when it happened, but doesn't necessarily prepare us for what to do when it happens again. Because somehow we find ourselves in the same twisted situations, knowing exactly what happened but paralyzed to remembering what we should be doing. and we find ourselves doing it again...

over & over again...

And that's my story... There is where I find myself right now. Exactly where you left me, but some how better off... a bit numb in the heart, but full in the soul...every day learning....

I've been adulting... the best way I know how....


xoxo
signs the girl that never fully learns...

Sandcastles...

I didn't build many sandcastles as a kid. Playing in the sand wasn't really my thing, or game of choice. I preferred getting my feet wet and playing by the waters...

But it seems as an adult, all I do is build sandcastles...

let me explain...

We're use to hearing people state that they believe in fairytales. That they constantly believe in happily ever afters... and various "To be continues...". Well I've learned that my version of that is building sandcastles...

My dating life has become a large body of sand, in which I continuously build sandcastles with people, knowing that the lifespan of a sandcastle, regardless how perfectly made and beautiful, will never ever last. But I keep doing it, and not only do I keep doing it but I don't stop until the very last grain of salt has been washed away by the rapid waters of reality. Sometimes it's so silly that I begin to build right by the shore, knowing that my time is limited... But I continue to build. I see the beauty in all things, including the unstable, the uncertain, and the imperfect. Probably my greatest attribute intertwined with my biggest downfall...

Almost like I build sandcastles in hopes that it will turn itself into bricks or concrete and set a solid foundation... Like life itself will make something out of nothing... which means I guess I believe in fairytales... which means I believe in happy endings no matter the circumstance...

which means I'm trying too hard....

It means, that the more I continue to invest my time & energy on sandcastles the less time I will have to build something of substance... the more time I waste on nothing the more time I lose on building everything...

It's probably time I stop playing in the sandbox...


xoxo
signs the girl building fairytales...

Moving on

It's always fascinating to observe humans. One of the many observations that I continue to take notes on is how people cope with moving on from relationships. Different techniques & mechanisms. Not always understood, unless you're living & breathing their reality.

Some wallow in sadness, some seek comfort in others...while others vigorously make it their duty to let loose. All cooping mechanisms, all valid. Some always react the same, and others change it up depending on the situation. Essentially we all do something to cope. We all have ways to get past a certain situation and/or person. We find what works for us and do it, and sometimes we do so unknowingly, just natural defense kicks in and boom...we deal.

A very popular Spanish saying is "un clavo saca otro clavo" meaning "one nail drives out another nail" in literal terms... but the saying means, one person replaces another. As if the only way to essentially get over someone is to replace them. I was never too fond of the saying. I feel all screws leave different impressions in our lives and can't always be filled that easily. As much as we may assume otherwise. But I admit, coping, while having the comforts of someone, does feel a lot nicer, than the emptiness of your reality. God forbid you have to reflect on yourself and what happened in that situation, and do so alone...right?

It's interesting to watch how "quickly" or "slowly" someone moves on. Obviously this is all relative, but it's interesting none the less. I always felt I was one of those people that took forever to move on. Now I'm starting to think I just made that up. That I do in fact move on in due time and in fairly reasonable time. Just my approach is different each time. I've also learned than more often than not I'm better off alone, and often a better person when I am. Guess it's doesn't stop me from getting into situations I probably shouldn't.  But that's neither here nor there.

Like most of my writings, my final conclusion is that in life as much as we try to insist that there's a right & wrong way of doing things... there absolutely isn't. What exist is simply the way you choose to do it. Your reality should never follow the manual of someone else's life. We just aren't all built the same, so we shouldn't expect us to function the same. ever.


xoxo
signs the girl who moves on her way.

Denial...

Recently a video now hashtagged #HurtBae went viral (Video Below). It was basically a couple that use to date, having to face each other and discuss where things went wrong. It's a 6 minute video of pure pain that if you ever felt it before, you acknowledged it with every second of this video. Even if situations, circumstances were all different. Pain is the true universal language. A silent one we all seem to share.

Of course like most things these days, this video went viral. I woke up to memes, commentary, remakes of it everywhere. I personally love the internet because it can literally make a joke out of anything & everything, even someones pain. But some parts of this reminded me why I hate the internet sometimes. Mostly because it gives you an insight on how some people think and often that insight reminds you how in denial some people are.

You learn that we live in a society that is in true denial of the stupid decisions we each make. That most people don't admit the dumb things they have done in the past, especially when it comes to love. That so many people find it hard to admit that at some point they were dumber than the next guy. Which was exactly the case with this video. It was filled with commentary of people saying things along the lines of "that couldn't/wouldn't be me"...

When in fact it has been all of us, at different levels, points or stages of our lives. Maybe not following the same exact script, but we've all made some decisions that looking back (or currently) was really out of character or seemingly dumb. That we've all made rash decisions, life changing decisions based on the love we had for someone. Decisions are made every day based on how we feel about someone, and sometimes those decisions seem logical at the moment, because you can make anything sound logical if you care enough.

I might not do much right in life, but one thing that I will always commend myself for, is my true ability to at the very moment admit openly the dumb decisions I'm making. Something that can't be said about many people. Does it make me better? Absolutely not. Just means I do dumb shit and don't care to continue to do it, but I sure as heck don't live in denial about it. So when I see commentary of people on their denial boat it really makes me shake my head in disappointment. Disappointed at peoples inability to relate to situations, regardless how different it may feel from where we are. Most shit won't make sense to us, and it doesn't have to. But at least take a seat and understand you too have done some dumb shit in your life before...and likely are now...


xoxo
signs the girl that can relate & will always try to