Hand Salute...

Dear Sir,

I've been writing you this letter the moment I found out you weren't doing well... Something about our conversation that day just felt different. It felt like a final farewell, a final goodbye, a final I love you.

That's one thing I always loved about speaking to you, we never ended a conversation without saying "I love you". It never felt routine like, never felt obligatory...it felt right, just saying it to you. I keep playing your voice-mails...Just So I can keep hearing it...
...I'm glad we got our final I love you's in, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you knew exactly how much you meant to me.

While I was raised with two amazing sets of grandparents, somehow you always felt like family to me, the TV grandpa I always wanted...

...It was May 1994 when I met you, It was May 1994 when I first fell in love with the corps. A little over 21 years of this growing adoration for you. I still remember that day, partly because of my astonishment for the corps and mostly because you tried to kiss my mom that day. I instantly thought, this guy is something else... I was only 8 years old...

8 years old when I picked up the fife and knew I would one day be part of that amazing Mother Cabrini High School Military Drum Corps. Only 8 when the corps consumed my soul... Back then I had no idea how much the corps or you would impact my life, never knew that many years after I'd still proudly state that I was part of one of the most amazing organizations I'd ever know.

You were definitely one of those people you only meet once in a lifetime. People didn't have to know you to love you, they just automatically did. From your candid jokes, to your consistent saying "you gotta keep smiling", a phrase that to this day I still wear on my sleeve. You were able to teach hundreds of teenage girls discipline above all. We learned responsibility, respect and that we were a lot more capable than we might have ever thought. That as teenagers we could diligently learn to play music, learn commands, and run a decent size organization. You made that possible for us, Sir. While the corps was there long before you...It would mean nothing to me without you being a part of it...

Sergeant Major... 11 years later & you still called me by my title, a title if allowed I'd still sign documents with. Not sure any other position in my life has ever matter or measured up to it. I owe you that pride... I owe you for assuring me that if you work hard enough in anything, you will succeed.

Thank You Sir... I could probably write forever about you... Too many memories to jot down, too many events... too many things just rushing to mind right now... too many things that add up to all the things you meant to me...

But I guess all I wanted to say was, I love you, Sir... & Thank You.


XoXo
Signs a girl that already misses you...

Plus 1...

So I have this ongoing joke that I'm surrounded by friends but lacking a whole lot of wedding invitations. Well, I have 2 weddings in 2016 ::hip hip hooray on making the invite cut::(Destination weddings...don't get me started on the money struggles --lol NOT THE POINT)... 

As I cheered with excitement at the blessings in my friends lives, (SOoo beyond happy for them both)... I realized... ohhh, those save the dates & invites are coming...

With a little card that says
Eliztalks Plus 1

::welp::

Obviously no one in my life at the moment seems like the "I'll be around a year from now & going to a destination wedding with you" type. So sooner or later I'm going to have to decide if to say FUCK IT, book the plus 1 & let the universe take care of the rest. Or take several seats & assume I'm just going to enjoy paradise with friends.

Haven't decided yet & still have plenty of time to. (well some time)

So on my search for a companion, I'm also seeking a plus 1... Someone not only worthy of my time, but worthy of sharing this intimate moment with my friends. Ohh & someone that knows how to have fun by the beach &/or tolerable on a 22+ hour flights (Yes, One wedding is in New Zealand) ...

No se...

All I know is that Mission: Plus 1 is real lol... Even if just finding a friend worthy of sharing this occasion with me.

I guess I'll keep you posted...


xoxo
signs the girl seeking a travel buddy...Plus 1.

Texting Etiquette...

If you know me... You are well aware my phone is practically a permanent fixture in my hand. I rarely miss a beat. (Unless I'm at church & on some occasions when at work) Basically...never long enough.

So my views on texting might not be the same as the rest of the world. Maybe my texting expectations are a bit too high. Maybe I want instant. I quite possibly require too much attention, even from people who's attention I have no interest in. It's like... I put in the time (the whole 30 seconds) to read & reply...ehhh...Do the same, please & thank you.

Truth is... people do get "busy" (I quite loath the term, always sounds like an excuse) & people don't need to reply right away, especially to a non emergency text. I wish I was as nonchalant about replying back, but... I'm not. even if you took 2 hours to answer back, I'll likely still answer 5 minutes later (& if I don't, please NOTE, I'm doing it on purpose). BUT again... I need gentle reminders that...it's not that serious. Not always at least, other times people are in fact blatantly ignoring my ass...

The real question is... When is it okay? , When should you be "cool with it"...& at what point are you able to give dirty looks at your phone & curse the person out under your breath? (never...oh okay)...

I'm a bit much. I don't really set expectations on anyone, but I guess I do... I've adjusted to a lot of texting styles. Some friends I know take forever to reply, others I know they pick & choose when to reply right away...and in the end they all eventually do. Sometimes it matters, other times it doesn't. OBVI, some folks I notice more than others, but that's neither here, nor there.

In conclusion... I thought I was cool as shit & can't even get a text back...


XoXo
-Signs the girl with a texting problem.

Street Beat...

I never considered myself someone that was easily influenced. I usually march to the beat of my own drum. 

OR...

So I thought. 

I guess it's natural & part of human nature to let the opinions of others infiltrate into your thought process, even if just a little. It's natural to take in what others say and take careful note. 

I guess never enough to base my decision off others opinions. BUT, enough that it's permanently noted in my invisible mental notepad. I'm relatively good at trying to see things from the perspective of others. I try my best to remove myself from my own universe and see things the way someone else might. 

BUT...

I've noticed recently that I have let it effect me, more so than it has in the past. I let the opinions and observations of others, be the reason I make concrete decisions in my own life. Partially because I see where these folks are coming from. I understand their view point, therefore I take it...skin deep. 

But...

what happened to my drum?  What happened to doing as I pleased? What happened to doing things solely because I feel like it? 

I'm not quite sure what happened, honestly. 

But...

I do know, I want to start my "street beat" up again... I want to silence the world and make my own decisions. In the very end of the day, when I lay my head down to sleep, I'm the one who lives the consequences & reaps the benefits of my decisions.  (& my mom lol...) 

My bystanders love me & I do think they genuinely always want the best for me... 

BUT...

truth is... 

I got it...don't worry...

my decisions are mine to make... 

Xoxo..

signs the girl that is going back to basics... 

What in the Thickness??

For as long as I could remember, I've been on a variety of diets & workout regimens. When you have a Dominican mother, body image complex, is a thing very early on (as I'm sure it is in many cultures)... So I was always very self obsessed & self aware of my body.

I'm officially at the stage in my life where I'm completely confident in myself, but entirely aware that I have wayyy too much junk in the trunk. An unhealthy amount, I'd say.

So it's a couple of new battles I'm facing...

1. I obviously think I'm way too cute to have to work out (TOO CONFIDENT)
2. My job doesn't require me too move much at all, so I'm sitting forever...
3. I'm getting older, sooo every doughnut shows 
4. 2 weeks at the gym, won't quite do the trick anymore
5. I drink like a pirate 

All these things put together create the cute plump girl writing this right now. I just don't seem to have the commitment I once did. I haven't entirely let myself go either. I don't sit at home eating my life away. I just don't work out regularly & make poor choices on what I'm eating sometimes. It's almost like in my head I'm still my 20 year old self & things are still functioning the same... 

Apparently "thick is in", but not the natural kind, more like the "nip tuck, I might be a stripper" thick. & let's face it, I'm not really about the surgery life (more power to ya, if you're down)... 

Well WAKE UP CALL, you're a bit too thick now baby girl...you're fa...bulous (As my supportive Yohoes have now picked up calling me)... && I need to get it together, because the battles I listed above aren't going anywhere, so it's up to me to make some changes... some serious healthy changes. 

I was asked today what my body image goal is... & for the first time in my life I don't have an image I envy...All I really want in life is to be comfortable naked, for myself... 

So time to get to it...because seriously....

WHAT IN THE THICKNESS???

xoxo

-signs the girl that could lose a few... 

It's now or never...

Life happens...We are often forced to make adjustments to who we are. Circumstances change us, people change us, life changes us.

If you can name one constant in life...it's that nothing is constant. 

With all that being said...I'm in a transitional place in my life (But, I guess everyone usually is). I'm reaching the end of my 20's. Approaching 30, rapidly. No longer a young adult, no longer "young", no longer in the entirely carefree zone. (Don't get me wrong being 30 isn't old by any means, it's just a very different period in life, FOR ME, at least).... So here I am, saying farewell to 28 & hello to 29... Ready to re-evaluate where I want to be in the next 5 to 10 years. It almost feels like a reset button, like all the things that didn't work out have to be reconsidered now. Like my dreams now have to actually become a reality. Like my goals have to be backed up with a concrete plan, no longer simple wishes. As much as I hate the feeling, it's like a clock is ticking inside... one that every so often whispers- "it's now or never, doll"... 

So that's my motto for the next couple of years...

Not a race. Not setting my life plan based on anybodies expectations or where everyone else is in comparison. I feel as humans we tend to do that often, I guess it's the way society is set up. We look around us and wonder why we might be in a different place than others. Knowing very well the answer as to why...well, because you did things differently, made different decisions & experienced different speed bumps & turns. Nothing wrong with that...it's your life after all... 

It has me a bit nervous, a bit uneasy. For reasons I don't feel like discussing at the moment, I stopped planning & stopped setting goals a while back. Recently though (the last year or so), I've slowly but surely started to create mental timelines... & while it makes me sick sometimes, it's a great feeling....to at least set a road map for where you want to be. Even if, as you already know, you might end up else where. At least you have set the foundation for the road you want & that in itself is enough. 

One thing that will not change & I will continue to make efforts to keep... Is my ability to not take myself too seriously. To still giggle at childish things, to still keep the passion inside of me, despite all of the realities of life. So, 30... I'm ready for you... With my young soul & child like smile... the dreamer inside will never grow old... 

But the adult will now work....

XoXo

Signs the girl that is ready for the next big thing...ME

Letter to a friend...

This might not make sense to everyone since it was a personal letter to a friend.... to others it might make complete sense because it might feel like a letter to you... (edits were made for the privacy of my friend...)

---

Where to begin...

First, I'm a believer that our spirituality adjust our energy. I've been slacking in my Sunday mass, so I know it's time I get back to it. Thank you for the scriptures, I will review them further and really take them in. I think in writing & reading others encouraging words, we find extreme comfort, that includes the bible. 

If nothing else on this earth I try my best to give my good energy where I see fit. Not everyone deserves it (as they say), but I share it, as I see fit, where I see fit. 

I completely took in your entire Spanish email. & like I stated, it felt like I wrote it to myself. 

"cuando paso este cambio donde ya no me siento fuerte/independiente/con valor/creativa/y digna de ser amada como me lo mereszco"

I snapped my fingers & said...uhhhhmmm, ::tired black woman tone::. I feel every word of that. It's like we fell and have yet to fully get up. I know the feeling of all the mierda at once feeling, & I too don't think I've fully recovered "the fire" (that's how i referred to that part of my life) It's as if ever since then, we've been recuperating but have become a different version of ourselves, a version we aren't particularly fond of. It's almost like we liked ourselves better before, & aren't big fans of who we are or where we are today. I think we had really high expectations before of where we would be in life today & haven't quite come remotely close. 

I think you have lost hope of the fairy-tale simply because the reality is so bleak. I guess you have to remember that it's not a fairytale for anyone, everyone just has a small version of their happiness. Small doses & instances where things are ok & you're happy. I've begun to comprehend that happiness doesn't come all at once & perfect doesn't mean every thing is right, but that we have certain things that are pretty perfect. Don't give up hope on Love...in the end HOPE is all we have, HOPE is what keeps us moving, HOPE is what makes the bad moments bearable. 

I think sometimes we get so caught up in how things aren't "how they should be", but who the fuck knows how things should actually be?? I'm not saying hang on to him forever, but hang on until you're ready to let go OR until things change. YOU & ONLY YOU, know when that time is. God brings people to our lives for a reason & I'm a believer of that. While he has a lot of downfalls, I don't think he's a bad guy, I don't like that you cry, but I also know a lot of times we make ourselves cry with our thoughts & expectations. So try to reevaluate what is really making you sad... 

Breathe... Life isn't a race. You're living out some of your dreams. NOT perfect, but please tell me who's life is... so I can interview them. we all have our shitty parts, but I think we have to STOP highlighting that shit. We have to stop jotting down all the things that aren't how we want them to be... & if it bothers us THAT much, we have to begin changing them.. at least the things we know we can... 


xoxoSigns your friend too...

x

Are you ready?

I've been asking myself this a lot lately.
Are you ready?

Something deep down feels like I'm reaching a turning point in my life. Like I've reached a pivotal crossroad.

Are you ready?

My road to 30... I've been on this road since I was born clearly... But now I've been walking it with a purpose. It's a scary feeling to feel like you've done nothing that you've set out to do. But a comforting feeling to know you have accomplished a lot, despite not being exactly where you imagined you would be.

Are you ready?

Never thought that at 28 I'd be single & living with a roommate. Neither are bad things, just not exactly how I pictured it. My goals in life have shifted through the years, LIFE HAPPENS, so you're often forced to change the master plan. You learn to use a pencil when jotting plans down. I guess I never realized how much I'd be using an eraser.

Are you ready?

Life isn't a race & despite what society says, there isn't a "right way" to do things. (except for children, our biological clocks are in fact ticking). Everything else, you do it the way you best see fit. But I'm not quite sure what fits anymore...

Are you ready?

My goals in life vary, where I see myself, or wish to see myself, changes often... but I have one constant... I want to be happy. While I know the state of happiness isn't constant, you go through up's & downs, no matter what. I want to be in a place in my life where I feel proud of myself. I've let myself down a lot the last few years. I guess despite all my accomplishments, I've failed my 13 yr old self from the past. Things didn't turn out the way we thought it would... & that's ok, but I have to remind myself quite often.

Are you ready to do exactly what you said you would do. To take the lessons you have learned & make the best of them. To become exactly who you know you're capable of being...


xoxo 
Signs the girl who wants to be ready...