"Not Ready"

If you're single in 2015 chances are you've heard a variety of the following:

• "I'm not looking for anything serious"
• "I'm not ready for a relationship"
• "I should be by myself right know"
• "I'm trying to find myself"

...ALL, While still fully "dating/messing/chilling" with you.
To this day I can't fully wrap my head around the concept.
FINE, if you say this, then leave me the fugz alone. It makes sense.
BUT, if you say this, then proceed to entertain my needy ways...
THEN.............................. what does it all really mean?
THEN.............................. how do any of the statements above hold true.
THEN.............................. why even entertain this?

It then creates a hazy cloud over the situation. In which the person saying the above statement feels like: "OK, Now I'm in the clear to do whatever I want & you can't say anything about it, because I told you where I stand".... 
& The person being told feels like...
"OK, Well he/she is saying this, that doesn't mean they don't care about me, so I'm going to ride it out and see what comes from it"

A haze in which what is said contradicts what's being presented, and in a world where we are constantly told actions speak louder than words...then why wouldn't we believe the actions contradicting ALL theses statements?
Why wouldn't a strand of a hope remain between the lines when its being told in between hugs & kisses.
Why wouldn't people stick around when you're being told one thing and shown another.

So I have added a few things to the phrases above to clarify what they REALLY mean, (to ME at least).... leaving no room for error...leaving no room for "hope".

• "I'm not looking for anything serious because I want to fugz all the girls/guys I want, freely"
• "I'm not ready for a relationship, with YOU"
• "I should be by myself right know, and all the other hoes on my contact list"
• "I'm trying to find myself, but you can watch me, as I find someone else as well"

PERIOD.

xoxo

Signs the girl taking everything for what it is. 

Embracing Different

You'd be surprise the things we get use to as humans...

Things that at some point seemed "bad", become a norm and eventually all we know.
It's almost like every new experience replaces old ones and becomes the new norm, your new reality.
And you adjust...
sometimes unwillingly, sometimes willing, sometimes because you have to, other times because you choose to...

One thing I've completed embraced in the last few years, is being alone. In my own mental, emotional, spiritual, physical space... Obviously with episodes starring a few individuals, sharing my energy. BUT, none ever fully. none ever for long enough. None ever enough to take away from my own private circle I created with myself.

So much so, that I forgot what truly sharing my energy felt like. I forgot the amount of adjusting required to let someone in, like actually let them in without doubt, hesitation, walls, side eyes, question mark...but like really just open the door saying "Welcome to the Eliz Show"...

It stirs a few thoughts,

1. I guess I hadn't really opened my door before, just a few windows & looked through the peephole from time to time. 
2. This is new...different...far from my comfort zone
3. Holy Sh**, Am I actually ready for this?
4. Once you make yourself available, available happens... 
5. Had I really made "unavailable, bad for me, red flags, dead ends" become my norm??
6. I legit became that girl I never understood, and some how understood exactly why I did all the "wrong" things I did. 
7. Do I want to adjust? 
8. Is this actually how other people outside of my world act?
9. Is this normal...
10. Why is this so comfortable?

We get use to receiving affection a certain way and in turn we are use to showing it a certain way. That doesn't mean there's a right or wrong way, simply a way different than you're accustom to. But when the other way hasn't exactly worked out, its probably time you start embracing different.
You start adjusting to sharing your energy in a way you have yet experienced.
You stop nitpicking all the things that make this different.
You stop highlighting good things as bad...
you stop being so use to bad, that good feels funny...

xoxo
-Signs the girl that feels funny...

Puzzle Pieces...

I sometimes see people as puzzle pieces in our lives. They come into our life and fit in a certain place making us discover more parts of ourselves. Some pieces are simply fillers, don't take away from its greatness or even add to it. BUT, necessary none the less, or you'd be missing a piece.
Some pieces are difficult to find even when all the surrounding pieces are in place. While others happen to fall into place even when nothing else surrounds it.

Each single piece making you who you are right now, and molding who you'll eventually be. Each creating the master piece, that is YOU.

No piece ever there by mistake...
BUT,
Sometimes...from time to time..we try to force a piece where we think it might belong best. Trying to mold the piece to fit a space you have created for it, when life itself hasn't, when your puzzle wasn't quite built that way.

Sometimes...From time to time...we spend so much time focusing on this one piece that isn't fitting the mold quite right, that we forget that we have so many other pieces to focus on, that your masterpiece isn't complete, even if that piece does fit.

THEN...
sometimes...from time to time... some pieces change how you view the entire masterpiece... some pieces fit perfectly into place with little effort. coming in like "Ohhh... there you are..."..

Pieces fall into place... eventually. The foundation gets rattled and shifts pieces, but doesn't change the outcome. Doesn't change what the universe has planned...

So keep working on your masterpiece...

xoxo
-Signs the girl working on her puzzle...

Recovering Addict...

...No, I'm not about to confess a drug addiction...

The addiction I'm referring to is my addiction to overthinking.

You see, I have this debilitating ability to overthink just about every situation. The situation could be as simple as someone telling me my hair looks ugly. Regardless the magnitude of the situation, I catch myself thinking about it longer than I should, ALWAYS.

Analyzing & delving into all the elements of the situation, enough that sometimes I think I should have been a researcher or philosopher. Replaying the situation in my head in case I missed any major details. The issue is not entirely the overthinking part, but mainly the drawing the wrong conclusions, 85% of the time (good thing I'm not actually a researcher of philosopher). Usually when I share my insights with the other parties involved, I'm often told I made up a story in my head (which makes me think, I'm possibly crazy...lol..no..seriously).

I only knew this was an actual "issue", when I realized how I use my same antics at work. (yeah, tell me about it). Where I draw conclusions based on my own emotions towards a certain situation. The way I analyze how situations play out, are often pretty out of wack. I'm not sure if it's because I have predetermined opinions about things before they even occur. Ok, so maybe I do know... I ALWAYS have predetermined opinions about things before they play out. Not the exact situation, BUT the people involved in the situation. If I've already made up my mind about how you are, and what your intentions are, every situation there after is already played out a certain way in my head...
Get it? Did I lose you there? ... Well welcome to my life...

Soo why I say I'm a recovering addict? It's not because I'm actually recovered, It's because I'm making huge efforts to STOP while I'm ahead with the conclusions I draw. I don't always stop myself from thinking, but I have started to tell myself to STFU!... To pump the breaks and realize that some things don't require my energy to analyze. That some things are what they are and I might never figure it out. That I don't have the answers & I don't always have to.

I think sometimes I focus on little things to ignore big things. But I'm learning to self reflect instead of analyze everyone & everything.

I'm recovering only because I've become aware, not because I've changed.

xoxo
-signs the girl ALWAYS working on herself...

Fake Ready

That awkward moment when you've been shouting how ready you are... then you find yourself making excuses...

Not quite able to pinpoint what's holding you back.

----
So 48 hours ago, I was raving about my new adventure. Telling everyone how excited I was to meet new people and give the virtual world a shot.

Who the heck was I fooling? 

Ohh...you believed me? 

sorry...

When I meant the virtual world, apparently I meant ONLY the virtual world.
The minute "Lets meet up" is brought up, my interest starts to go down. As if it's all fun & games virtually, but when shit gets real, I run in a frantic panic.

What. The. Heck. am I so scared of?!

What's the worst that can happen-

• I get molested (obviously) 
• I fall in love then get left with 4 children
• I get killed in torturous fashion
• He's disgusting and I keep looking at the watch 
• He's amazing, but not quite into me
• He falls in love and I fake a relationship for a year or so

• Or we talk for some months & he randomly says he's not looking for anything serious....................
• etc...etc...etc

---------

Or maybe it works out, but I wouldn't know until I try... right? 

Truth is I might never be ready until I take that leap, BUT as I take that jump I have to be aware that things are not always going to magically work out. That I might go through some things in the process. That clearly I still have a lot left to learn. That I have to figure myself out before I try to decipher anyone else. That I shouldn't rush into anything, but I shouldn't go at snail pace. That with every every every single hurdle I've been through in my life, I've manage to come out alive and well...and I'll likely survive what's to come (unless I'm dead, thennn yeah I'm dead)... 

I've become way too cautious & find myself in a good place mentally & emotionally... so risking this current peace of mind is scary, because I know what the other end looks like... But I was never one to conform to comforts. I was never one to take the easy route out of fear... So just give me a little bit, while I close my eyes say a little prayer...& prepare to take this leap outside of the safe space I've created only trapping myself.... 

Eliz will make a comeback... just please hold while I breathe heavily in a panic...

xoxo

-Signs the girl that's possibly just a little bit scared...

Online Dating

Soo...
I've started a new journey a month or 2 ago...
I "excitedly" joined the virtual world of online dating.

I was quite hesitant in doing so, because I never felt all that "desperate" to meet someone. Not to say I got desperate,

but...

waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning on Memorial Day weekend with no where to go... can make you do a lot of random things... including join Match.com.

It was instantly interesting, filling out the bio and seeing your "connections". Some real lookers and some real scary looks. Messages started coming in quickly (if you ever need an ego boost, just join a dating site)... Conversations were flowing and shockingly enough, some people manage to get my number (I was quite surprised, but impressed with myself that I was being "open"). Some conversations never left the initial greeting. Others made it pretty far but fizzled somewhere in between... (I'll keep all the exciting details for another post)... No one quite making me excited with their Good Morning text, in fact I rolled my eyes quite often.

I told myself I'll give it 30 days, by day 15 I was SOoOoO over the app. So over the constant messages from grandpa's, little boys, deadbeats... so I shut down the app....

I said, nope, this isn't for me. I'll just have to wait it out, be patient..."que lo mio esta por ahi"...

Until this weekend...

No, I wasn't bored...
No, I didn't have a desperate moment...
I was just introduced to a new app & the possibilities sounded promising...
SOoo... I signed up for Bumble... and I must say, Day 2 & I haven't rolled my eyes yet... In fact I've been quite impressed with the "options".

BUT

2 months later... I've done a whole lot of texting and absolutely NO DATING... Probably because I'm terrified of my awkwardness. Probably because I'm so use to meeting people through people and having references... Probably because Dating comes with so many questions after... Probably because trial & error was never my favorite thing... Probably because it's exhausting and reintroducing myself to someone new time & time again, makes me question too much who I am and what I have to say about myself.... Probably because...I just want things to work out...

sigh...

xoxo-
Signs the Girl who's giving this an honest shot...

Common Sense...

I wonder how it happens...
How common sense slowly leaves your body when emotions begin to take over. Why is it that you stop thinking rationally. Why is it that things begin to have more than one meaning...

When the ability to think logically doesn't cease, but the desire to does. 

Probably right in the moment where rational thinking would require you to make a change in your current situation...
Probably right when you realize logic does not satisfy the comforts of right now and will alter the reality you have created in your heart...
Probably right when you realize common sense makes no sense for what you desire....

Probably right when you realize its wrong...

I wonder when it happens...
When you shut down that voice in your head, when you silence the gut feelings... when common sense stops being what you use. When you begin to prefer your other senses, the ability to hear someone else's heart beat instead of your own, the ability to smell comfort in something outside of you... the ability to hear ONLY the things you choose to hear...the ability to see ONLY the things you choose to see...

I wonder why it happens...
Why our brains & heart find it difficult to coexist sometimes. One always taking the upper hand, both rarely on the same wavelength. Why we start using a logic different than the common conclusion. Why we begin to see things for what we want them to be, and not for what they are.

I wonder sometimes...

xoxo
Signs the girl who knows better...but doesn't always do better

The Bigger Picture...

sometimes we need to take a few steps back & look at the bigger picture. I guess all the time. We need to understand that when you focus too much on what's 2 inches in front of you, you lose sight of everything else around it. Often times the only way to get a glimpse of the bigger picture is by discussing the image with someone else. Get a different perspective, see things from another angle...

But...

You have to be cautious and aware with who you're analyzing a picture with. Before you take it all in, you have to realize that people analyze situations relative to their own experiences, based on the details you tell them, based on the half of the picture you're showing them. This doesn't mean their perspective isn't helpful, simply means you shouldn't always take it as bible. You shouldn't assume their view is solid or any better than your own. I have been quite blessed in my life to be surrounded by some amazing individuals, people who are usually quite willing and able to analyze pictures with me. As an over-thinker it becomes quite chaotic at times, to add outside sources to the many thought bubbles already in my head. I truly do take in everything everyone says and jot it down. I analyze where they are coming from, why they say the things they do and footnote it.

But...

That doesn't mean I listen. Essentially, I'm very much a "I do what I want" type of person. Even so, that doesn't mean I don't have it noted. It doesn't mean that from time to time I don't look at the footnotes & think hummm "should I really consider this"...

That's why sometimes, from time to time, I quietly sit down and look at the picture alone. I take my untainted views and analyze not only what's 2 inches in front of me, but everything around it. I take steps back to get a better view...only my own.

We often have situations figured out, just takes us some time to accept what we know VS what we want, that's usually why we ask other people in hopes that maybe they see something you don't...

Just remember no matter how long you stare at a picture, what's there won't change, only how you see it.

xoxo
signs the girl staring at pictures...

Unavailable

"you are a reflection of who you attract..."

This has been the go to phrase the last couple of years. I finally realized what I'm attracting & now I'm simply wondering why. I'm wondering why I'm continuously attracting emotionally unavailable people.

If they are a reflection of me...

then... 

....I'm emotionally unavailable...

::welp::...

HOW?...WHY?...HUH... all my reactions when the reality settled. Here I sit, thinking I have my whole heart open, ready, willing & able...when the actuality might be otherwise...

How do you adjust that? 

How do you figure yourself out?

How do you sit down & change things you don't even realize you are? 

...

then it hit me... I've been given all the time in the world to grow. 

By myself...FOR myself

I've been given the tools to better myself as a person, emotionally. physically and mentally...

& I always seem to start on this self discovery journey, but always sort of drift off half way...

I think its time I stop drifting away from the focus, 
ME, being the focus. 

I do not have children so this is the best time to put all my energy on just myself. To make decisions based on my own feelings and needs. 
I'm unavailable because I still have a lot to work on. I keep seeking what I think I want, when I'm not quite ready for anything at all. When I'm not even sure I know what I want or need. I have a list I keep readjusting. I have a heart that needs some mending. I have a soul that needs some comfort. All things I can only do on my own.

This is me. On my own & unavailable until further notice.

xoxo

Signs- Unavailable. 

Social Media- Chapter 1

Perceived Reality VS Reality.

We live in the times of social media.

• Either you're an overly active member who both post and looks all the time
• an active member who post sometimes & looks all the time
• a member who quietly observes constantly
• or an active lurker who's "too cool to get your own account"... 

One thing holds true, no matter what kind of member you are, you are involved. Willingly, unwillingly or even reluctantly. It's become a part of our every day lives, in order to be in the know of current trends, world news, local news or what your friends did last night, you have to be on social media.

BUT

one major thing lacking behind..the 140 character tweets...the 10 second snapchat...the image & caption on IG...or the status/image update on Facebook... Is that none ever tell a full story. We get small snippets into someones reality, one that is deciphered and interrupted like morse code by all those watching. Creating a whole new level of reality, a perceived reality that you sometimes forget you're creating. You forget that with every post or lack there of, people are piecing together a story of your reality. All while missing major details, all while only getting parts of the story you're telling.

At one point I thought, well that's OKAY. Perceived reality is just something they're creating, sucks for them...until slowly but surely Social Media has taken over & this perceived reality has become more important than actual reality. What you're putting out to the world to see now matters more because in most cases this is all they're getting, because now its the social norm, because now it effects emotions, because now it validates things.

• It validates status (even if you're a loser)
• validates friendships (even if you don't really like each other)
• validates relationships (even if he's cheating)
• validates beauty (even if you used 10 filters).... 

the list goes on & on... So even if you go to sleep every night crying, the smile on your selfie tells another story and that's the story people are paying attention to. Clearly no one post their every struggle....and they probably shouldn't, I don't REALLY want a play by play. BUT without the ups and downs, without the details, without straight forward statuses we'll never really know whats what. 

We'll only know this virtual perceived reality... the one that apparently matters most... or does it?

TO BE CONTINUED...

xoxo
-Signs the girl working on both realities

Potential

I read this & it provoked many thoughts. As I could relate to many aspects of what it says. 

Potential: adjective1. having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.

I'm aware that I'm not the only one in the world that sees the potential in other people. I once thought that it was a positive quality of mine, the ability to see the good in everyone. (I only think senseless killers & child molesters are "bad"). The older I get, the more I realize it might not be the best thing. I think everyone has potential to be amazing...this is still true. BUT, that doesn't mean everyone will get there. It doesn't mean that everyone will reach their full potential, at least not in my lifetime, or at least not while I'm around to witness it. 

People grow at a different pace, people are comfortable being a certain way & no one could truly get in the way of that. As much as we like to think we change people, we don't, people make a conscience effort to try to change, doesn't mean we did anything, it means they did. 

& that's okay. 

I'm sure people have met me & also thought I was full of potential, but "not quite there yet"... I think women suffer from this more than men. We tend to assume our nurturing nature will eventually change the way someone is, or at least adjust it. But that's rarely the case, A person only reaches their potential when they are working to get there, when they put in 100% effort to reach it. NOT when you work for them to get there, NOT when you put in 100% effort for them to reach it. Once you accept that potential is an individual mission and not a team effort, you learn to accept people for who they actually are, and not who you wish them to one day be. 

This is where it might get tricky. The part where you have to accept who they are and decide if you're okay with that. Decide if who they are right now works for you, not who you think they could be, not who they once were, but exactly who they are at the moment. Sometimes, we, I, remain stuck in the who you were, or the who you could be. Get stuck in this concept of "potential", in the "after a few adjustments", in the "remember when you were perfect"... in the "this once worked"... in the "they will come around eventually"... 

But...

We...I... have to learn to let go of potential & work on my own. Become the best version of myself and let everyone work on their own potential. Accept people for who they are and let go of those who no longer prove to have any interest in adjusting. 

xoxo...

signs the girl letting go of potential...