Loneliness

I never thought I'd be one of those people that's happy being alone. Most people that know me wouldn't know this about me. With the size of my family and the amounts of people I'm surrounded by, you'd think I'm rarely alone. But when I'm alone is when I'm happiest. A week or day that doesn't allow me moments to myself is one in which I become quite irritated and disoriented.

Being okay with myself was something I only forcefully discovered. I didn't plan it, I didn't aim for it... it just happened & I had to become okay with it. Until I fell in love with the time I spent with myself & now I'm not sure I know any other way (for now).

You see my road started in 2014 when I found myself in a new apartment & unemployed. My roommate was obviously working most of the day or at her boyfriends house most of the nights. So I found myself having to entertain myself. Having to be ok with the silence and the screams of my thoughts. As the weeks went by it became easier, until eventually it became my favorite state of being. The ability to sit in silence and be one with the seemingly stillness of the universe is an amazing feeling, that I've learned not everyone can handle. It was only after discovering that I could, that I discovered that so many couldn't or at least many simply didn't want to experience.

As I discussed life with a coworker they mentioned something that lingered in me & inspired this post. My mentor told me that the more time I spend alone, the larger my walls get. The more being alone becomes home, the less I'd want to leave there. That "Home" has to eventually become a place with someone else & to achieve that after considering yourself home, is a difficult barrier to get through.

& nothing sounded so accurate in my life...

You see, I find myself in a different place in my life. A place in which I do in fact want to adjust to life without as much time alone. I mean eventually down the line I'll have a family in which alone time is very scarce & rare. A life in which I have to bring in a partner and have THAT become my home & happy place. I'm noticing that this adjustment might be even more difficult than falling in love with myself...

I guess the first step is the desire to seek happiness outside of yourself. We are so often told you should find happiness within yourself, but they never tell you what to do once you do. They never tell you that once you discover how happy you make yourself, finding someone to add to it is beyond difficult. That you have built this magical place of bliss within yourself that you're scared to let anyone really in to tarnish it. Because that's all you know about other people, that they taint things & make them difficult. That they take space & require you to take from yourself & give to them... That in order for something to work you have to selflessly give parts of you... Taking from your "home" and adding to another...

I'm adjusting... mentally preparing for what may come one day... In a place where I am so ok with myself, that I'm ready to see what someone could offer.

I'd say I'm ready, but I guess we'll find out...

xoxo
signs the girl that made "loneliness" home...