Patience

I feel like I'm entering a new stage in adulthood. It's the point in life where I'm finally realizing patience is in fact a virtue. It seems like we live in a time where instant gratification is a new norm. That waiting for things isn't commendable. I admit, 96.8% of me is one of those people. I am a person that drops things soon after I see it doesn't work for me. If it, in any way inconveniences my balance, I mark it NULL. Or at least my entire approach is altered, my effort diminishes & at that point I might as well just quit.

But after many trials & tribulations, I've entered a place of patience... Not that I'm there yet, but I'm working on it. Working on acknowledging that most things aren't meant to start at it's highest peak, that it's a climb there. That the bottom is where things should start & not where they end. That we must put in the work to reap the rewards. That good things come to those who wait, and put forth the effort.

All cliche, all things that seem obvious, but rare these days...

oh so rare.

It's my want to get the raise & promotion before I even shown my ability. I walk away from things when I feel I've put my fair share, only to look back & realize the things, jobs, people I walk away from weren't even that bad. This is not to say to bend over backwards for just anything or anyone. Not to say, stay in dead end jobs and dead end relationships/friendships. It's simply to say work on what you feel deep down is worth being patient for. That in order for anything to last you must practice patience. That job titles don't fall on your lap & successful marriages just don't happen overnight.

I once found it silly people that would suck it up, and stick it out. Immature even. People that stayed in jobs that weren't perfect and relationships that were below subpar, were foolish & know nothing about life... Until I noticed the gaps in my professional resume & personal one... Until I realized that how could anything advance if I don't put my best efforts forward and hope for the best.

This is not to say patience is the only major key, you might wait forever and still not get what you want. Life is comedic that way. It's simply something in the last year or so I've been working on & it's caused a great sense of peace inside of me. It also to some extent has been working already in some areas of my life.

It's learning that if you jump ship too soon, you'll never end up anywhere... but in other broken ships... or just stranded in the ocean...

xoxo
signs the girl working on her professional & personal resume.

Fairy Tale...

Sometimes we (or maybe just me, who knows) forget that behind every fairy-tale are hurdles, struggles, blood (maybe, not this one so much), sweat & tears. That simple, doesn't exist. Some stories worst than others, neither, one in the same. That the only way to truly know the ins & outs of a relationship, you have to be IN IT. That no matter how much you think you know, you have no idea. Sometimes the ones that seem to be the happiest, aren't...and vice versa.

I've noticed in my own interactions that one of my biggest issues is getting past the not so pretty parts. It's acknowledging that nothing & no one is perfect, despite what the pictures might show. That happy doesn't always come in the box you thought it would. It's remembering that not all timelines are the same & the only expectations I should have should match the things I'm offering. It's accepting that we all have a past that molds us into the person we are today and it's a constant battle of either putting it behind us or developing from it.

We get so consumed in the artificial aspects of what we want based on what we see that we almost completely forget what we need. In my observation throughout the last few years, I've noticed how I continuously have a false sense of what I need, based on all the things I've been taught or seen that I should expect. I also notice that I expect the world too fast, when I often have my walls as high as the great wall of China. Except that now, just like that wall, mine is old and battered and slowly crumbling...giving me specs of new light (please note I'm quite sure the Great Wall of China is not crumbling anytime soon lmao). New light & insight into myself and the things I wish to offer and mostly the things I wish to change about myself. Which in turn gives me a clearer picture of what I really need from a partner.

I read a quote today that sparked great thoughts & was a mini "A-Ha" moment...

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get-only with what you are expecting to give- which is everything"... 

Which reassured me that if nothing else I finally realized that the only person I can change is myself and I'm working on me, to give only the best of me and then see what comes from it, when I do in fact decide to give...everything. Whille again remembering not everyone gives everything right away, in fact most don't, including me.

I'm learning that fairy-tales are not stories, but feelings... It's the ability to acknowledge all the worst parts of yourself yet make an intent to work on it. It's being able to see past the difficulties and indulge in the goodness of it... it's deciding over & over again that you choose this bond over everything...

at least that's what I hope...

xoxo
signs the girl all in her feelings...clearly.

Loneliness

I never thought I'd be one of those people that's happy being alone. Most people that know me wouldn't know this about me. With the size of my family and the amounts of people I'm surrounded by, you'd think I'm rarely alone. But when I'm alone is when I'm happiest. A week or day that doesn't allow me moments to myself is one in which I become quite irritated and disoriented.

Being okay with myself was something I only forcefully discovered. I didn't plan it, I didn't aim for it... it just happened & I had to become okay with it. Until I fell in love with the time I spent with myself & now I'm not sure I know any other way (for now).

You see my road started in 2014 when I found myself in a new apartment & unemployed. My roommate was obviously working most of the day or at her boyfriends house most of the nights. So I found myself having to entertain myself. Having to be ok with the silence and the screams of my thoughts. As the weeks went by it became easier, until eventually it became my favorite state of being. The ability to sit in silence and be one with the seemingly stillness of the universe is an amazing feeling, that I've learned not everyone can handle. It was only after discovering that I could, that I discovered that so many couldn't or at least many simply didn't want to experience.

As I discussed life with a coworker they mentioned something that lingered in me & inspired this post. My mentor told me that the more time I spend alone, the larger my walls get. The more being alone becomes home, the less I'd want to leave there. That "Home" has to eventually become a place with someone else & to achieve that after considering yourself home, is a difficult barrier to get through.

& nothing sounded so accurate in my life...

You see, I find myself in a different place in my life. A place in which I do in fact want to adjust to life without as much time alone. I mean eventually down the line I'll have a family in which alone time is very scarce & rare. A life in which I have to bring in a partner and have THAT become my home & happy place. I'm noticing that this adjustment might be even more difficult than falling in love with myself...

I guess the first step is the desire to seek happiness outside of yourself. We are so often told you should find happiness within yourself, but they never tell you what to do once you do. They never tell you that once you discover how happy you make yourself, finding someone to add to it is beyond difficult. That you have built this magical place of bliss within yourself that you're scared to let anyone really in to tarnish it. Because that's all you know about other people, that they taint things & make them difficult. That they take space & require you to take from yourself & give to them... That in order for something to work you have to selflessly give parts of you... Taking from your "home" and adding to another...

I'm adjusting... mentally preparing for what may come one day... In a place where I am so ok with myself, that I'm ready to see what someone could offer.

I'd say I'm ready, but I guess we'll find out...

xoxo
signs the girl that made "loneliness" home...

The list...

The list of expectations...

Some of us have an actual list... others a mental list that they've created throughout the years

It's a list of things we look for in a partner. If you don't have a list take a minute now to think of some things you look for (even if you're currently with someone now, think of the list without thinking directly about them)... 

I'd show you my list, but it seems so personal & I'd feel very exposed somehow. Like BAM this is what I want, so I'll keep it to myself, while sharing as much on it as possible. Earlier this year I created my list, as to manifest this person. I didn't specify details, but a few general things that throughout the years I've found to truly desire in a person. I made this list because I realized that I had no specific outline of what I'm looking for. The list ranges from as silly as "dances" to as deep as "appreciates God". It's generally things we would hope for in someone we're sharing our time, energy & hearts with. You'd think with something that serious we'd be more careful in the selection process (by we, I mean ME).

But truth is, most of us adjust our list depending how much we like someone. We put our feelings above logic and cross things off while adding some others. Almost like we completely forget everything we wanted and work with what we got. I guess the real question now is, is it okay to do this? Is this what we're suppose to be doing? Should a list even exist?

I mean... I don't have the answers & you will definitely not find the answers here... I'm still trying to figure it out right now. I'm in the stage of adjusting my list, crossing somethings out while adding others, all while trying to figure out if this is really what I want. If it's truly suppose to be working out the way it is...

I am and forever will be (likely) a person that goes against most logic & follows my heart entirely. I'm a believer of doing what feels right. Even if right goes against your own list. Even if right doesn't always fit the mold. We often have a misconception that things should follow a certain life line of events. When in reality things are always just going to go, the way they are going to go. Either they will work or they won't. Some things happen in the matter of days, others take years... some start out picture perfect, others have bumpy smeared lines as beginnings... all beautiful & unique...all an experience...

So I guess what I'm saying is... what feels right is right...even if just for right now. The list is just a list. You might find someone that fits every section but you feel nothing for...then what?...

I'm learning as I go... adjusting my list... I guess we'll see if this one works out... I'll let you know soon enough...

xoxo
signs the girl who's making things work.

Tolerance

Tolerance in relationships has been a hot topic of conversation lately & on my mind for quite some time. 

Tolerance-  Noun- The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with

Next to compromise, tolerance is probably one of  the top 5 things that keeps a relationship going (in my humble single opinion). Tolerance to me is the ability to swallow your pride, put your natural beliefs aside and tolerate certain things for the sake of making something work. Obviously we all have a variance in tolerance levels. Some people tolerate pretty extreme ends of the spectrum, while others can't tolerate the most minimal inconvenience. 

I'd like to believe I fall somewhere in the middle, but that's likely not true. I'm not sure I put up with much or am ever really fully willing to put my own opinions aside in order for something to just work... which probably explains why nothing has. Yet I'm fully aware that this is the one requirement needed in order to create that life society so often shoves down our throat. It's one of the most difficult parts of most partnerships, it's deciding it's worth to make this work so you have to turn your cheek. It's an understanding that as humans we will make mistakes, we will disagree, we will do things we said we wouldn't and being okay with it, time & time again.  Tolerance is the ability to swallow your pride and deciding that this is what you want for yourself so you will make due with what you have. 

We obviously always automatically think of worst case scenarios, physically, mentally or spiritually abusive situations. But I think we have to step away from those extremes. Those aren't every day situations and are circumstances in only some relationships.  

I'm thinking more the everyday mundane situations... someones work ethic, how they interact with family & friends, Their cleaning habits, Their eating habits, how they communicate, how they show love, bad habits, addictions, etc etc it's an endless list of things people can develop a strong distaste for, but we have to decide throughout if we care to look past those seemingly minimal or big things. If being with this person or someone matters more to you than all these things. Essentially if you want to make this work despite these things... 

It's tolerance... 

Some of us have a lot of it, and others don't... I guess you have to decide what you're willing to put up with & for who. Maybe once you find the person you really want to be with, you adjust your tolerance levels and make things work no matter the circumstance...

or maybe some of us never learn and just can't make it work...

Guess we'll see & find out..

xoxo

signs the girl deciding her tolerance level.... 

Endings...

It's been nearly 9 years since my last first day of school.. yet, the reminiscence of beginnings lingers in the air this time of year...

Almost as if we wash the sand from our summer adventures and start a new season a bit changed... not only by our complexion from the sun rays... but we become reflective on everything that has already happened in the year & preparing for the remainder of the no longer new year...

It's like the steady beginning to another end. Fall isn't my season by any means, but I do enjoy every change of season and what it brings to my energy. Even if it means something is ending...
We, yes all of us collectively, tend to become weary with endings. Holding on a bit longer to what we know, often longer than we should. We do so, mostly because everything changes once you let go & the unknown is exactly that, something we know nothing about and we aren't sure what to expect from it. But endings simply indicates the beginning of something new. Even if new simply means life without someone or something.

A few things have changed already, some unexpected endings...some lingering beginnings & things that have potential... All indicating change, the only certain thing we have in life... The certainty that all things are uncertain. I think after a while we get so use to everything changing that we learn to have to adjust rather quickly. To adjust to the changes life is constantly throwing our way. So much so that when things become stagnant and unchanging we get an itch within ourselves to shake things up a bit...

at least I do.

No, I'm not a lover of turbulence, but anything that makes me feel alive is welcomed. Anything that makes me feel a change from the mundane...I'm here for it.

You can all stay with your mediocrity while I continue to chase commotion. not enough to ruin things, but enough to make me feel alive. I do not chase drama but I chase emotion.. Whatever reminds me of all my senses...

See, endings simply means beginnings are near, as long as you continue to chase them... Not to say to chase endings, but to understand that with each conclusion comes another plot twist, until it's over...

so embrace them, these endings that come & change everything... until a new beginning comes around and we become hopeful...

xoxo
signs the girl that loves beginnings

Lessons in Colombia...

Since as far back as I could remember New York summers always left me with the best stories to tell. Endless lessons that I will carry with me forever, and adventures that one could never replicate.

Must be something in the air...

This summer added a bit of a bonus, it already had many interesting short stories... But this trip pretty much summed up a series of lessons that I have learned in summer 2016... Some I probably should have known/learned before, but it only all came together in these moments...

When you're alone you're forced to observe more than usual & you're forced to listen to your deepest thoughts. Especially when you're displaced from your norm... I don't mean being alone in your room, but alone in a place where you must adjust your reality.. 

so this is what adjusting my reality taught me...showed me...forced me to see.. 

• Romance could be found in the strangest places, not just an intimate partner
• Be cautious but not fearful...
• "Don't talk to strangers" should only apply to children
• Everyone should take a trip alone at least once in their lives
• The unknown isn't as scary as it seems, In fact it's often better than the things you already know
• You're capable of more than you ever thought you were
• Trust people, no matter how many times you've  been let down... If you go around closing yourself off, you'll truly end up alone and with no one to turn to.
• Having people that love & worry for you does indeed make you feel like you can conquer the world, surround yourself with those people.

• Never stop dating your husband, his unhappiness shows a mile away, pay attention to him. You don't realize how unhappy married men with young children look, until observing everyone is all you have left to do. & I sure saw this, one too many times
• In turn... Colombian men have no shame in staring at other women while with their wives. Be careful with those...  
• We won't always know where our tears are coming from, but let them flow. 
• Being able to spend time with your own thoughts is the best cleanse you'll ever experience 
• Take yourself on dates more often 
• Always wear the pretty outfit, for any occasion, nothing wrong with being picture ready. 
• You're never over dressed... ever
• Travel/Vacation as often as possible, getting away from the routine of life, makes you appreciate life a lot more. 

• Being single isn't a bad thing once you've learn to appreciate your own company...
• Learn to appreciate your own company, be alone for a little bit it makes you see things differently.
• & by alone, I mean really alone...
• Love is shown in so many different ways... worry/concern over your well being is one of them.
• Take risk... Like riding on a motorcycle, walking an unknown path, smiling at a stranger... 
• Home will always be home, but learn to get comfortable anywhere... live like a gypsy. 
• Learn to put your phone down sometimes... 
• No one is a better friend to you than you... your gut never lies.
• It's usually the one that you least expect that takes your breath away...

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of other minor things... but these pretty much sum up what summer 2016 has meant for me (still a few weeks left)...along with what my trip taught me... I entered 30 feeling like a new person filled with quite the story to tell and one yet to be written... 

xoxo

signs the girl that will carry these lessons forever..