Fitness

I entered 2016 fully determined to get fit & healthy. To cut my bad eating habits and to completely change how I looked at food. I started this mostly because I was looking a hot mess and also because I'm a toe away from 30. 

Among other shallow & dumb reasons I won't mention here

(let's face it when it comes to physical appearance you will always have a number of silly motivations) 

I'm proud to say 108 days into the year & I'm making hella' progress. Still fully committed to my physical goals. I still have a long way to go and not fully at my desired goal, but very proud of how far I've come. As little as it may seem to a bystander (I'm sure I could have done more & gone harder, but my progress is at a speed I'm cool with) it has still been huge progress to me. 

This obviously isn't my only focus this year, but it's one of those goals everyone can notice without you saying a word. It's one of those things where your failure is obvious & success is too. Spiritual, Mental & Financial accomplishments are very private and can't really be noticed or acknowledged. Physical ones though...everyone takes notice, even the ones not trying to notice. So it's definitely an added incentive and/or added pressure to obtain physical goals. 

I haven't been entirely public with my journey (except on snapchat which I use for accountability) until right now, which I'm sharing with the world my journey. I wasn't private on purpose, just didn't entirely need the world for motivation. I finally found the motivation within myself to get it right this time. The cherry on top is the people I've motivated along the way, people that have decided to change things as well, the close friends & family that are now walking the journey with me. They are a constant silent motivation.

I'm embracing the process, it becomes tiresome & unchanging sometimes. I forget what I'm working so hard for, and try to tell myself I'm perfectly fine how I am. WHICH, I am perfectly fine, but if I can achieve better, why not? 

I have to constantly fight the battle of "you're good now, but you wanted otherwise, so work for it".... So I have to fight the urge to beat myself up for not doing good enough, while patting myself on the back for doing great & being okay with where I am, all while maintaining motivation to proceed... see, even saying that was exhausting. 

Luckily the journey has been a successful one & a seemingly smooth one thus far. Celebrating every accomplishment along the way and not quitting...most importantly, NOT QUITTING AT ALL... 

This is a very personal & private journey, one that essentially can only walk on my own, but Just filling you in on the steps I'm taking to reach my own perfection... 

This isn't my first journey, but hope this ones the one that sticks & is ongoing... The one I commit to long term...Hoping for a lot of things to stick this year... 

xoxo

signs the girl getting rid of commitment issues. 

Pick Me

I haven't done any studies on this or anything, But I'm pretttttty sure somewhere out there someone has, and has discovered that as humans we suffer from the "pick me" syndrome. 

The want & desire to be chosen. 

Let's just say I've definitely been there before, in a variety of situations in my life, but probably most prominent in the "love department". 

If you don't know what I mean by "Pick me", well to me it means, you pretty much bend over backwards, juggle flamed torches & smile to make someone see your greatness.

Literally.

Whatever that may mean to you. It varies from person to person & situation to situation, sometimes these aren’t even good qualities that we highlight.

Sometimes you do this without even noticing, you simply put on your best at all times, as if you're auditioning for a role or prancing in a pageant.

Basically, like a peacock in the wild, we spread our tail feathers to be chosen to mate. 

We do our best to get chosen.

I’m usually good at pinpointing when I’m doing this (spreading my tail feathers), when I was younger it would go on for a while. I would do this continuously & consistently (if I really wanted someone). It’s only in the last recent years that I’ve come to terms with the reality that to get chosen you don’t have to do anything at all, at least not try THAT hard.

The reality is, if someone wants you, they will pick you, no matter what you do.

If you’re not the one, you’re not the one, baby girl.

To the wrong person, you’ll never be enough, to the right one you always are.

Recently for the first time in a while I found myself spreading my tail feathers… I looked at my own feathers like…”Really, Estupida?!”… Not because my feathers aren’t the shiznit… but because I was spreading them for the completely wrong individual. One that should have noticed these feathers a long time ago, & clearly has & is un-phased by my awesomeness. & hasn't & WON'T pick me.

So why do it? I should do a study to figure it out, or just figure myself out. Try to understand why I continue to slip up and do something that I know won’t work no matter what I do. They always tell us to be persistent & patient, but they never mean to continue to impress the unimpressed.

Please note my idea of bending over backwards is often quite limited & not to the extent that some may be thinking. I do “a lot”, but not much in comparison to most of the world. But still a lot, in my book.

So…note to self… you’re one hell of a catch and every single one of your feathers is worth it, to the right person. Keep working on yourself, for yourself and fall in love with your every quality… whatever comes from that will come. Whoever doesn’t see your greatness wasn’t meant to. Simple.

Xoxo

Signs the girl that’s always learning

The Box...

I'd like to consider myself a modern day woman. To an extent...
While I have some old school thoughts here & there, I'm mostly fully "modern" & "new age" when it comes to sex & sexuality.

BUT

Recently, I dramatically & drastically have discovered that I'm quite naive when it comes to my own sexuality. I guess when you're surrounded by a lot of males, you have to be to an extent, in order for it to work. If I walked around thinking all my friends wanted to get in my pants, well... we wouldn't be friends. I mean, I hate the ladies that think that absolutely everyone wants to sleep with them. But I guess I shouldn't just assume "no, Joe Bob doesn't care that I'm hugging him with this mini skirt on, because he's my friend" which is what I think 85% of the time. I mean... I don't take it as far as getting naked in front of my guy friends (but I don't even get naked in front of my girl friends either). But I am way too comfortable, I guess.

I guess I'm not as self aware of my own sexual energy as much as I thought I was. Unless it's obvious & in my face.

This is not to say I don't think I'm hot & nice to look at and admire. It's just that I assume if we don't have that type of relationship, you're not looking at me that way, because I sure as hell am not looking at you that way. As if friend goggles were automatically purchased when we created this friendship. Which isn't the case, ever. It usually takes drastic circumstances for me to even think about this being a factor. Which is where the me being naive comes to play. Mostly because I should always be aware. I should always know it's a two way street & I should be more self aware with the energy I'm throwing out there. ESPECIALLY being the person I am, I drink like a sailor and make more inappropriate jokes than one too.

SOo...NEWSFLASH someone is going to take it a certain way, at some point or other. Heck, someone might even try something at some point because of it, and when that does happen I shouldn't be 100% surprise.. but guess what ...I'm always 100% surprised. (again, naive sally over here) In fact ::gasp:: someone might be your "friend" for that reason & that reason alone... Imagine that.. lol

I mean I'm not walking around blind in these streets either, I know sexual energy when it's there..I'm just never fully aware when I'm giving off the WRONG energy.

So in conclusion... If you have a box, people are going to try to open it.

xoxo
signs the girl with a box.

Goals Goals Goals

As some of you may or may not know, 2016 came in STRONG for me, (which explains my limited blog posting, I apologize for my negligence). I've been trying to work on all aspects of my life. Literally all aspects. (So excuse me while this blog post will be all over the place, I have some catching up to do)

From as small as growing out my eyebrows, to as big as going back to school...

Living a healthy & fit lifestyle, new role & responsibilities at work...

to as simple & important as actively seeing my friends & family that matter most, as often as possible. 

Just overall a brand-spanking-new goal driven year for me. Just trying to adjust and balance all of it as diligently as I could. I never wanted to be the girl that just works & works out. Or the girl too busy for everyone else because I was working on myself. But I also didn't want to be the girl that did nothing to progress or better her life. So I'm just balancing my social with my professional, with my personal... with my spiritual... Basically becoming a well rounded adult and the best version of myself possible. 

One of the prominent changes I made this year which I always start the year off doing is setting fitness & financial goals. I make a vision board with my sisters & we all decide what it is that we want from the year.

One thing was different this year: 

1) I wrote very specific goals 

2) I immediately started working on the necessary steps to get where I wanted

Four months into the year... and this girl is still pushing hard. It gets difficult sometimes, Some days I wonder if it's all worth it. Some days I wake up completely exhausted and with no desire to continue any of these paths. Then I remind myself or someone around me reminds me everything I'm working towards. These aren't short term goals, these are things that require patience and time. These are things that won't happen overnight and some are continuous and will last my entire lifetime. I won't always get the results I'm seeking in every single thing, but I will be closer to what I desire. 

I also have to remind myself that not everyone is going to be on my team... that not everyone will be a cheerleader & supportive. That some people will doubt my dedication, that some won't believe in me as much as I believe in myself. That some people have many issues within themselves & try to reflect that on your accomplishments. 

But that I shouldn't focus on those people, that I should focus on the people that believe in me more so than I do myself, those people that are constantly pushing me to push my own limits. 

Remind myself that I'm not only making these changes and improvements in my life for myself, but for every single person that stood by my side when I could barely get up. 

That I'm becoming the best version of myself for myself... for you, friends...and for the future "you" that will get the best version of me... 

xoxo

signs the girl who's just filling you in. 

"I'm not an active member"

We all know them... those people that claim they aren't active on social media... the people that have convinced themselves that they aren't as active as you because they don't post as frequently. The ones that "don't use it much", but every time you look over at their phone they are on one of the platforms.

I sit & wonder why are people trying so hard (Pretty much just as hard as the person that post every hour). It's the year 2016, who cares if you do or don't. Let's just be real with ourselves.

I wouldn't care at all, if these weren't the SAME people that make comments like

"you post a lot",

"you post everything", 

" you live on social media"... 

Yes...I have been an active social media user since before it was called social media, I've been fascinated by the internet & it's function since back when my screenname was Starliz12, since the days I shared a JUNO email account with my sisters (if you know about JUNO, I fucks with you), I'm a low key techy at heart, so it's not all about the social aspect of it, it's the algorithm behind it, the actual technology...mixed with the posting my drunk friends dabbing & that amazing lighting selfie that the world HAS to see.

YES, I'm an active public user & you're an active private user... you might actually log on more than I do, It's just that I happen to use it for it's purpose...to SHARE. I publicly speak my mind, & you privately look at everything I post. I publicly post pictures of my outing & you privately look at every ones pictures of their outing. You look at strangers, friends & foes, I post strangers, quotes & friends.

There is a difference between not posting a lot, & not being on it a lot...LEARN IT

So all you "I'm not an active member, but I really am" people... go suck my active social media nuts.

xoxo
signs the girl that publicly does what you do low key.

Perspective

A story has various sides... The version of each party involved, the truth

... then... You have the opinions of everyone hearing the story. It's like a one sided filtered version of reality but still considered a valid perspective some how.

I have found myself in quite a few unique stories in my time (none that I'll be sharing here, at least not directly). Stories that perspectives changed absolutely everything of how the story may or may have not looked. How minor details could make or break how things are perceived by everyone.  

I admit, I spent a large part of my early 20's defending my perspective. Shouting to the world how things were from my point of view. Understanding that sometimes people would see things otherwise but forcefully trying to make a point. Until I realized I gain nothing changing someones perspective & doing so won't change the story. The version of the story that is truth will remain so, no matter how many versions of it are told. That people believing or validating why I do/did the things I did won't change that I did them. Understanding that life is a matter of how people see you, but that doesn't make their views more or less than your own.

I know all these things & learned them the hard way. Learned that people will analyze things based on snippets of a circumstance, that conclusions will be drawn based on scattered details. That sometimes people do one thing & tell a whole other version of it. Not exactly because they are lying but possibly because that's how they viewed it, OR that's how they prefer to tell it in order to have a clear conscience.  Regardless of what or why... opinions are formed & I learned to let them rock.

Until I had a minor slip up and found myself defending my side again. Forgetting all the things I learned and trying to prove a point yet again. As if that would change anything, as if shouting my story will make it valid. As if someone else understanding it would make it more real. But I took several seats, and reminded myself that the only person who I need validation from is myself. That as long as I know & understand my own actions way back when, recent past, or present day, nothing else should matter as much. That I have a grasp of what is and what isn't, what was and what wasn't.

I respect your perspective, but to whom it may concern... I could care less how it looked to you.

xoxo
signs the girl that needed a reminder. 

Selfish- Self Reflect- Self.

I was called selfish the other day. (among other things "self involved, needy, childish, the world doesn't revolve around me, extra...etc....etc... clearly I've been having a hell of a few days lol) Can't say it was the first time, unfortunately...
But it might have been one of the first times that I took a seat & thought hummmm...

"how selfish am I" (& all those other things) 

As much as I act like things just slide right off me, I more often than not, take in everything everyone says and reflect on it. Even if I don't fully believe the things someone is saying, I know they have a reason for saying the things they do. It always stems from something & it's clearly the perspective they have of me, one I've helped form.

We tend to forget that the conclusions drawn about us, all come from things we've done or said in the past. So sometimes, it's not the persons fault, but the fault of the things you're doing that is giving the wrong impression. Or what you think is not a true reflection of you. We're quick to backlash, roll our eyes and dismiss unsolicited opinions. Quick to shut someone out that's letting you know simple observations they've made about you (trust me, my first instinct is always to tell people to go suck one)...

BUT... after you've had your moment. You should truly...genuinely take it in. Digest everything they have said and figure out where it's coming from. GIVEN, sometimes these opinions are coming from people that don't even know you from a hole in the wall. & other times these opinions are coming from a very bias place. BUT regardless of that, ALWAYS reflect. You can't change what everyone thinks of you, it's nearly impossible, in fact you shouldn't entirely care what every single person thinks. But you can truly change your approach on things and see how things change. Not to say to alter who you are or your beliefs, heck you might be completely happy with the things you do and not give a shit what anyone ever says.

I'm just not that person. Some opinions matter more than others, especially when I agree with it to an extent. Especially when I'm on a path of bettering myself and the only way to do that is to take in what the universe is telling you. In reality self reflection is useless if you're only relying on self. You are never in it alone, so you have to trust the process. Trust that everyone in your path is there to help you or teach you something...

So I'm learning... I'm reflecting... wish you would do the same.

xoxo
signs the girl that admits imperfection.