Goals

Goal- Noun- the object of a person's ambition or effort. an aim or desired result.

It's a social media trend these days to consider everything "Goals". 

From an image of a friend holding your hair back as you throw up #FriendshipGoals, 

To the image of a cute, "happy" couple sharing an "unplanned" moment in the seemingly perfect setting #RelationshipGoals. 

To the image of a group of friends doing something "fun"- #SquadGoals... 

the goals go on & on...

Most, obviously only stated for shits & giggles. BUT, some, deep down truly desiring to experience those moments seen on those images. As if the one second it took to capture that particular moment defines an entire experience. As if we aren't all posting our best moments & best angled images. As if sometimes, from time to time, we too wish to obtain the perfection of that very image we ourselves took & experienced. (Trust me, I often wish I looked as good as my now perfected selfie )...

It's almost as if the virtual world has made us forget the layers upon layers of "imperfection" within every circumstance & situation. As if perfect images have clouded our reality of "struggle". As if we stopped seeing the beauty of our own reality because we're too busy looking at everyone elses. I personally think social media has heightened the concept of "the grass is greener on the other side", simply because everyone is showing their green pastures. Who wants to see weeds anyway? 

Instead of working towards our own "perfection", we often complain about it. Instead of changing our situation, we often sit back day dreaming of the possibility. OR instead we constantly look through 100's & 100's of perfectly posed perfections & think... #Goals... 

Or worst... 

we perfectly craft a virtual perfection as to falsely portray what we only wish were true. 

This isn't to say everyone feels this way about their own lives. This isn't to say we should start (or continue to, in some obnoxious cases) to post our bad & worst moments. This is simply to have us step back for a second and remind ourselves that most things aren't what they seem. That our reality is only altered and perfected by the goals we ACTUALLY set and accomplish.  That our true smiles can not, and will never be truly captured online. That the goals you have set should never be a reflection of anyone else but yourself. 

that when the camera is down your reality should be better than the megapixels...

XoXo
Signs the girl embracing her reality.

Privacy

The more the internet grows & develops the less privacy we seem to have.

Even if you avoid the internet at all cost, someone WILL post a picture of you and there it goes...cover blown. 

Even if you post one picture a month, it will be digested and investigated 

Even if you stop posting for a while, assumptions will be made

Even if you post pictures of flowers and chicken, something will be said. 

The reality is, the internet is here to stay and so is the constant exposure of our lives.  It's grown so much that we have little control of it at this point. Even when you limit yourself.

I myself am (or was) a social media junky. I love sharing selfies, outings, my family, my friends, celebrations. Enough to keep you entertained, not quite enough for you to know what's ACTUALLY happening (yup, even with a personal blog, you'd never really know who or what I'm actually referencing...if you think you do....you're simply assuming hun....) all in all, I love this stuff, always have, since back in the AOL dial tone days...

But as of late, I've noticed people are really doing the MOST for this virtual world.

From posting a reality that isn't real to them, 

From doing everything possible to obtain this status of going "viral" "online fame", people over exposing themselves simply for their 15 minutes... 

From faking it for the 'gram (twitter, snapchat, facebook, tumblr) 

I was okay with it all even fascinated by the way our world was shrinking...

UNTIL the last few weeks/months... It's almost as if something clicked... I started noticing and realizing that invisible followers do exist... either because you forget they follow you, or simply because they actually don't but a find a way to. The feeling was a bit...creepy. 
That people are watching... watching closely. It's creepy mostly because not everyone has the best intentions for you at heart, mostly because people don't always watch to simply watch you like a reality show, but more so to observe and silently not celebrate with you.

I'm a believer of energy, be it from a distance, or real up close & personal. The internet is making people come too close and not always with the best vibes... What started with the intention to bring us closer together, seems to be putting us worlds apart...

That privacy has always been a relative concept... But it's now becoming close to non-existent... as much as you try otherwise...

xoxo
Signs the girl trying to put down the blinds to my window...

That Drunk Text...

I drink...
Often...

Always enough to get drunk... Most of the time enough to blank out and do things that subconsciously always wanted to do.

Hi, Nice to meet you... I'm a drunk texter...

It's a realm where your conscious meshes with your subconscious and you say things you might have not normally said. You say the things you only wish you could sober. It's also heightened. It's also over exaggerated.  It's also not always 100% real (despite what society might say)....

It's that time where you decide to text the person you unknowingly are thinking about. Either because that's the person that makes you hot... because deep down you feel something... or because that just happens to be what crossed your mind at that very moment... OR because you know you might or might not get a response that ends happily...

Sometimes you text someone, that the next morning leaves you full of regrets, OR...yeah usually simply always full of regrets. lol

Numerous songs reference this phenomenon of drunk texting... (It's relieving to know, its not simply a occurrence in my life) I surveyed a few people on Facebook & seems like this is in fact common world wide (AKA...NEW YORK, but I'm sure it's common where ever people drink, meaning everywhere...). People build liquid confidence to send that text. To say those things they wouldn't sober, to hit up that person they might have been avoiding (numerous reasons and explanations)...

To do the things our sober selves wouldn't usually let us...

I've also been on the receiving end of said text... ( I associate with a lot of drinkers) It's always interesting to be the sober one getting these messages. Always leaves you thinking..."humm fancy to see you here again", But I'm aware those conversations lead from here to no where. That these messages are followed by a lot of laughs, giggles & denials. I get it... I've been there.

I don't look into them anymore...

If you want to see me in my rawest, purest form...and want to know exactly how I feel........text me while I'm drunk....




xoxo
Signs the girl waiting on that text...

To all the boys I've ever loved...

(or almost loved, barely loved...kinda loved...liked)

Thank You.

First & Foremost...

If I never said it, among all the million things I probably said... I likely never thanked you for who you were. You brought out the worst and best in me. even if just for a day, a few weeks, months, or years...
Thank You for teaching me more about myself than anything else. For being my constant reminder that I always have to take things as a lesson and look within to seek change.
Thank You for sticking it out, for loving (liking, almost loving, barely loving..kinda loving) me enough to always want the best for me and still desiring that for me.
Thank You for completing my sentences & thoughts. I let you in enough that you knew parts of me, so you understood things about me that I didn't exactly know yet.
Thank You for seeing the good in my bad. It takes quite the individual to understand my crazy.
Thank You for whatever stage you entered my life in, you helped me grow and prepared me for the next.
Thank You for hurting me and making me cry. It made me stronger and realize that even the best things has some bad in it...
Thank You for showing me how self less I can be...but also showing me I can be selfish sometimes


Thank You for preparing me for the next guy, the right one... not to say you were wrong, just clearly not for me. You were always enough, but you just happen to fit another piece of my puzzle... not the one we might have thought.

You're either- single & trying to figure things out, in a relationship , engaged and ready for the next step, married, or learning what it is to love your children...
wherever you might be now, Good Luck... Honestly... I truly wish you the best, that you're taking your role, whatever role it might be, and being the best and giving your all.

Some things might apply to you & some just might not...

But to all of you...

Sorry... for giving you as much as I could, but never really enough...

hope you know what enough is one day...

& I hope I do too


Xoxo
Signs the girl that loved you...

Don't mess with my Sparkle...

I consider myself a confident person.

Growing up Dominican, you build up your confidence from the womb, because you're criticized left & right by the people you love MOST. 

"Constructive Criticism" 
They would say... 
::insert eye roll::

Any who...

We all have moments of insecurities, those that 60% of the time are created in our minds, based on society norms & standards.

BUT

then you have those 40% moments. where your confidence fluctuates based on the actions of someone else. Where what you feel about yourself is hindered by what someone else has to say about you. Those moments when you take a step back and you're like "pero coño, WTF is wrong with ME" 

We ALL have those moments, and whoever says they don't is lying... ::insert viral why you lying video::. That moment when you're not picked first for the school play, that moment when you didn't get the first invite to the party..

that moment when...
you just weren't "picked"...

I had one of those moments recently, where my ego was hurt... where for a second I questioned myself. that moment that you're like damn bruhhh I must be doing something wrong in life...

Completely went in on myself. (we are always our own worst critic)..

Went on a whatsapp rant with one of my dearest & nearest... simply to be woken up & snapped back to reality...

BITCH...You Sparkle...
(ok maybe I wasn't told in those words lol, please note most of my friends are guys & not gay ones, so they would never tell me I sparkle) 

BUT... I was reminded that I am indeed the shit, simply that I have a poor judgement of character, or simply an obsession of seeing the beauty in everything and everyone. That life is not a professional sport in which the best people are drafted. That shit just happens or it doesn't and 85% of the time it has nothing to do with who you are, or what you do or don't do.

That you shouldn't judge people on the decisions they make, just like you shouldn't judge yourself based on their decision...

That sometimes, not being picked... is the best thing that could have happened to you...

xoxo
Signs the girl that sparkles...

Accepting BS...

As I'm seeking this middle place, I realized I have put myself in some odd situations. Accepting shitloads of bull because I had no expectations. If you don't set standards you find yourself being down with just about everything. Everything goes when you're in limbo, you put yourself in a situation where expecting too much isn't expected...or even "allowed" really... You learn to accept everything and be okay with it....

With that being said, there's the other side of the coin... legit, solid, official relationships. Those in which standards are set and a certain level of expectations noted...

Realizing that there too, you must accept some level of bull....accept that imperfection is a reality, and that bullshit comes in all shapes and forms... I'm slowly coming to terms with that. (real real slow)...

There will always be something you have to put up with... & if I expect something/anything to last. I have to be willing and able to accept some level of bullshit. It's solely up to me, what my "level" is...everyone has their own standards and meter.

I have to come to terms with the reality that things are only picture perfect on Instagram & not in every day life. That with every good moment, come a number of bad ones...and that I have to essentially be okay and ready for that.

If I want anything to last.

People will upset you, hurt you and do things that you will not like. The solution isn't to run from it, it's with growing with it, learning from it...and building your tolerance levels.

BUT...I've seen some of the things people tolerate, & It's sometimes MIND-BLOWING.... I can't fathom the thought... but then I shut up, I take a seat and realize that you never really know what you'll tolerate, even if you haven't in the past. New situations, circumstances and people make you tolerate different things.

the real question you always have to ask yourself is..."Do I want this to last..."even with the bullshit...


xoxo
Signs the girl just trying to figure shit out.

Comfort in Instability...

I, like most people, love the feeling of new. As much as I hate endings and falsely claim to not adjust to change. All my adult life has been a constant revolving door, from living arrangements, marital status, friendships, jobs, relationships, financial standing... Always something...NEW.
It's how I function. It's how I learned to work, It's how I've adjusted. So much so, that I no longer know the concept of longevity. I no longer know what long term feels like, in most things.

Maybe I don't know what full stability feels like, because I've been in a seemingly unstable state for a bit now.
I've had to reprogram myself to accept uncertainty and be okay with it. I've had to accept things that are neither her, nor there. To accept that I have little control of most things in life...

Until now...
I'm slowly creeping into "stable" state. Slowly entering a place in my life where things are at a calm. Therefore I've been seeking a middle ground for all areas of my life. (Once one thing  falls into place, everything else follows suit)

But...

I've noticed how much comfort I find in instability. I gravitate towards rocky roads , because your chances of tripping are higher, therefore it's expected. When you trip on smooth solid ground the impact is always harsher because it's not really anticipated, it's "smooth solid ground" after all (no such thing, by the way... all concrete cracks eventually, giving way for tripping hazards)...  So I've found myself constantly preparing for impact... so much so, I put myself & keep myself in unstable situations because it has become "easier", it has become my "norm"... it has become what I know. It has become...comfortable.

To walk a path that leads to no where, leaves no real room for surprises, the only real surprise would be it leading to somewhere.

I'm not saying I'm taking out my map now and looking for better paths... simply saying I know where it stems from... I know why...

Let me handle it... you handle yours.

xoxo
Signs the girl that might be seeking a map.

Do I Even Know You...

Fancy to see you here...

Ever have moments where you completely doubt your connection with someone else? Where you analyze the situation and realize, you don't even know them. Be it family, friends, lovers...

Moments where you sit back & it's like...hummmm ......"Do I even know you"

Reality is, you probably have these moments with everyone. As predictable as we are as humans, we have layers upon layers that make us who we are. So you never fully know someone and are constantly learning, constantly getting to know them.

We are even constantly reintroduced to ourselves. 

Despite knowing this... it's always an uncomfortable feeling to see new layers of someone you've seemingly known for years. It's always an uneasy shyness of meeting "someone new", even when it's someone that you've known. It still makes you take a step back and think...."Do I even know you".

It's always an adventure to get to know someone, it's always a choice we make to know layers of them. We can know someone for years and really not know them, simply because we choose not to, and they choose not to share.

This truly defines the level of your bond. Truth is you might have known someone "in and out" but a year has passed without a connection & you won't really know them anymore. We are ever evolving creatures so it requires a conscience effort to "know someone"...

But..

I think it's always difficult to accept when you've merely scratched the surface of someones layers. When you realize that you only thought you were going "deep", and truly haven't. That "Do I even know you" feeling is never comforting... That awkward moment when you realize you don't know them, that moment when you have to sit back and accept that you only wished you did. That "time", does not play a part in situations where you were not let in.

That sometimes we're simply left waiting at the door, talking through a window, never welcomed inside...
leaving you with constant moments of...

"Do I even know you..."


xoxo
signs the girl, that knows she knows nothing.

It could be so simple...

But then, I wouldn't want it... 

Here I go again, being reflective on myself. In the end of the day, you have to deal with yourself more than anyone else, so why not get to know yourself more & more each day. It does in fact require effort, Self discovery does not fall on your lap. 

so where were we...oh yes... 

"It could be so simple...but then I wouldn't want it..." 

Everyone loves a challenge it's true. (Not sure about EVERYONE, but it's quite common). I think I over did it though. Simple just doesn't do it for me. Easy, equals mediocre in so many levels. Yes, the reality is, in the long run nothing is ever truly simple or easy. Everything has it's levels of complexities and challenges. 

BUT

Some people like climbing hills, and I seem to prefer Mount Everest. I blame my mom (obviously), she told me, I could do whatever I want in life and that everything I want I could get, if I work for it...

She absolutely DIDN'T mean in the love department, but I ABSOLUTELY decided that I can in fact apply the concept in ALL things. 

It's not that I prefer complicated, it's that I prefer to work towards that feel good level. Don't give it to me instantly, because I have proven to not know what to do with it when it's handed to me without any effort on my end. I don't know what it's like to just...get it. Therefore the bigger the challenge the more intrigued I become, the more work I put in.

DISCLAIMER: This is not to be confused with liking "bad boys" or "assholes" or "fuckboys" or "jerks"... That's not necessarily the challenges I'm referring to. I'm not fully into being mistreated.

BUT...

The reality is... it's DUMB... and tiring on so many levels. 
Things don't work out just because you want them to, or because you worked towards it. Furthermore, a lot of mountains, are not worth climbing, AT ALL. Sometimes you get to the top only to discover it was the challenge that you wanted more than the end result. (This has happen to me more often than I'm proud to admit)

I'm still working on taking a seat and reflecting on situations I put myself in. Trying to figure out if I like the challenge or do I actually want the end result. &&&& is this end result even feasible (clearly I still think I could get whatever I want, because HELLO, Mami said so.)

I'm not saying I'll change completely... It's in my nature to take up challenges, BUT I will in fact learn to distinguish what challenges are worth my time & effort, and which just aren't. 

Give me 1pm simplicity... You can keep your 4am complexities... 

(I lied when I said that..give me both...)

xoxo
signs the complicated girl that loves complicated... 

"Do Not Answer"

Have you ever changed a contacts name on your phone? (multiple times)
I'm quite infamous for this, from altering emoji's, to deleting contacts all together.

(Disclaimer: I don't do this to just any ol' friend, it's obviously to reallllly close ones...and you know...the really really close intimate ones lol, I don't spend my days editing numbers).... 

One thing I have always heard of people doing, is changing their contacts names to "Do Not Answer" "Do Not Reply" "Ignore", this done solely so they wouldn't answer for a variety of personal reasons. (aside from trying to hide out from bill collectors)

I never felt the need to do this, because as long as the number is saved, I'll likely use it. & let's face it, I do what I want!

This concept did not phase me until recent years...
you see, I happen to find out someone had me saved under "Do Not Answer"- ( I know, I was shocked too, who would ever want to ignore me)... I was obviously shocked, and a bit hurt...followed by puzzled because despite the contact name change I was being contacted... I didn't fully understand, but cut the situation right there and then.

FAST FORWARD to present day... and here I am using the same fake ass technique... and changing a contact name to "DO NOT ANSWER"... clearly already failing to work. It serves as a reminder that you shouldn't answer, but essentially you knew that before the person even contacted you. In fact it just makes you feel silly because you're replying/answering a contact name that says not to.

But sometimes, you need a little nudge, you need to remind yourself that you're silly for entertaining certain things, you need to know when to just cut something out. You need a constant warning whenever you're contacted...

all in all, no two situations are ever alike and everyone does things for their own reasons. BUT all I can say is...I get it now...

xoxo
signs the girl still answering

Soooo...About that

I'm quite impulsive.
Very rarely do I take a breather & truly think things through. Mostly because I become engulfed and overwhelmed with emotion (only to shrug my shoulders a few hours later)... This causes a lot...A LOT... of issues on my day to day interactions.

I make rash decisions and make up my mind without a second thought...only to have 3 or four thoughts after.

I don't know how much I have to emphasize that I'm a walking/talking contradiction. My thoughts, actions and words are to not be trusted...because they never really align.

I'm not sure if it's because I lie to myself, or I'm truly just hiding my own feelings from other people.
Whatever it is... I need to take a chill pill.

I have successfully manage to do so in the work place. After a few hard learned life lessons, I realized my emotions have no place in corporate America. BUT when will I ever learn to chill out in real life? I naturally want to blame those around me. People cater to my ways, they react accordingly and accept I am how I am. Not helping me take genuine strides to change.

Except now, I'm truly attempting to make real changes. I want to pause for a second before I lash out. I want to take a minute to myself before I do things. I want the things I say to truly match what I feel and NOT just for that moment. I want the decisions I make to remain consistent throughout.

Basically... I need some consistency with my words & actions... I don't want my inconsistency to be the only consistent thing about me. I don't want the things I do to be taken lightly because they are seemingly passive (because truth is, they are in fact, passive)...

I need to figure this out, before my next contradiction.

xoxo
signs the inconsistent girl.

People Hoarder

I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure...

Once you get past the crazy & the unnecessary sarcasm... My energy is dope. 

Contagious of sorts.
People enjoy vibing with me as much as I love vibing with people. 

I'm carefree at an age where people start losing that youthful spirit. 

I'm a refreshing reminder of what it is to just live the way you choose.
I'm uplifting and overwhelm people with what it is to be me..

I'm energy...
A positive feel good...
Energy... 

Which leads to my issue...

I'm a people hoarder. I keep people from all my walks of life. I keep them close enough that sometimes they get in the way. Enough that if need be, they can feel comfortable reaching out for me. Enough that I'm available.
Enough that every one gets a tiny piece of energy & some...an overwhelming part of me...

Enough that I'm almost losing more energy than I'm getting back.

I have this odd inability to fully push anyone away. I am capable of keeping to myself and not reaching out (some cases are more difficult than others)
BUT...
I am unable to truly block someone from my life. Incapable of fully ignoring someone when they reach out.
It's like I keep everyone in my back pocket.

This is somewhat associated to my memory. I have amnesia of sorts. I easily forget hurtful words or actions. I don't hold grudges, I get past stuff because nothing is ever that serious. I overreact then I take a step back and get over it... So I easily keep people, because everyone gets a clean slate... because I only keep a list of the good things unless I constantly remind myself of the bad...

I was once told "I'm the glue that holds people together"...
But some days I wonder...
what about me?
It comes in handy to be surrounded by so many people...
But some days, certain days...

I want to get the energy I'm giving... I want someone to fill the empty spaces that sometimes I'm lacking... I want someone to be dope for me, when I'm not feeling myself...

Some instances you give so much energy and hold your breath waiting to get it back...

& pass out.

xoxo
signs the girl lacking a bit of energy...

The message I'll never really send...

If you read my stuff often enough... you've already grasp the concept that while I say a lot, I don't say much at all.
This also holds true to my conversations in real life. I have the tendency to express incomplete sentiments. To expect people to complete my sentences.
I don't always fully say what I mean, or mean what I say.
Basically, I'm a mess of sorts...
Sooo... I'm about to write a message I'll likely never send... or even post...
----

Dear....

You might be wondering why the outburst...again.
Why I make rash sporadic decisions at times... 
Why I say one thing, then do another.
Why some days I'm ok, and others I'm not.

You see, I wear my heart on my sleeve while it's wrapped in chains, weighing my arm down making me unable to embrace you. 

You see, I'm dramatic in the purest of forms, I react without thinking because it comes straight from the soul... I take it all back because logic trumps over emotion... Always...

I lie a lot...

Not sure if more for myself or others... My ability to act like I'm unphased & ok... Is oscar worthy... 

Until the act consumes me... Until I'm unaware of what I really feel VS what I'm saying I don't... 

Until the scene gets too chaotic,  that not even I can hide it's effects on me...  

I love easily... But only silently... Because I've learned that true emotion only comes in forms of tears & not kisses...

I overreact... Because being normal isn't normal to me...

Because to know the immensity of my heart can only be shown in big forms...all while not showing anything at all...

I contradict myself...because some moments I know exactly what I want & others I know exactly what I need...

Then some times... I don't want neither... 

I'm unsure... Not entirely sure what I truly desire... Not entirely sure what's right for me... 

All I know... Is that it hurts again... My inability to say all the things I truly felt & only the ones I didn't... My ability to only show the things I shouldn't & hide all the things that should be shown... 

I hate the raw feeling of exposure, but every time my heart gets out... It feels like freedom... Vurnable unbearable, freedom... 

I don't make sense... Again

Guess this letter keeps getting written, time & time again...

What I'm really saying with all the things i haven't said... Is that I cared too much, more than I ever showed... 

Xoxo 

Signs me, Eliz.