Comfort in Instability...

I, like most people, love the feeling of new. As much as I hate endings and falsely claim to not adjust to change. All my adult life has been a constant revolving door, from living arrangements, marital status, friendships, jobs, relationships, financial standing... Always something...NEW.
It's how I function. It's how I learned to work, It's how I've adjusted. So much so, that I no longer know the concept of longevity. I no longer know what long term feels like, in most things.

Maybe I don't know what full stability feels like, because I've been in a seemingly unstable state for a bit now.
I've had to reprogram myself to accept uncertainty and be okay with it. I've had to accept things that are neither her, nor there. To accept that I have little control of most things in life...

Until now...
I'm slowly creeping into "stable" state. Slowly entering a place in my life where things are at a calm. Therefore I've been seeking a middle ground for all areas of my life. (Once one thing  falls into place, everything else follows suit)

But...

I've noticed how much comfort I find in instability. I gravitate towards rocky roads , because your chances of tripping are higher, therefore it's expected. When you trip on smooth solid ground the impact is always harsher because it's not really anticipated, it's "smooth solid ground" after all (no such thing, by the way... all concrete cracks eventually, giving way for tripping hazards)...  So I've found myself constantly preparing for impact... so much so, I put myself & keep myself in unstable situations because it has become "easier", it has become my "norm"... it has become what I know. It has become...comfortable.

To walk a path that leads to no where, leaves no real room for surprises, the only real surprise would be it leading to somewhere.

I'm not saying I'm taking out my map now and looking for better paths... simply saying I know where it stems from... I know why...

Let me handle it... you handle yours.

xoxo
Signs the girl that might be seeking a map.