Year In Review 2016...

"Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road... 

time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go...

so make the best of this test & don't ask why..."

Here we go again... another 365 days...52 weeks...8,760 hours...coming to an end, while another 365 face us ahead...ready to change absolutely everything.

Looking back to 2016 overwhelms me, and not in a bad way the way other previous unmentionable years have... But in a very filling, growing, memorable way. So much happened this year that has truly molded the next chapter of my life. I entered my 30th chapter this year, so that within itself is enough to remember. I guess I didn't realize how much would actually happen, but at this point I'm not sure how I'm even surprised. How I could look back at a full year and still be left in shock with how much transpired.

One thing I'll say, is that I'm extremely proud of myself for the goals set & met this year. How for once "new year, new me" was actually manifested... & if nothing else, I'll take that with me and continue on that path, as best possible. But, like all years, It wasn't all roses & sunflowers... It had it's fair share of tears, fears, heartbreaks & let downs. It had moments that tested everything I stand for, and it has changed me. It had untold stories and secrets. It had things that I wish I could change. Things that I don't fully understand just yet, but know that in the long-run it will all make sense.

So many new beginnings, mixed with endings. Changed relationships/friendships, strengthen bonds, and solidified paths... so many intricate parts that make 2016 worth writing about. It was a year that like so many others will one day be determinant to where I am in life down the line. The decisions made today, will in fact be seen tomorrow... I'm ready to see where this path takes me...

I guess this year, like so many others will hold a special place in this story of mine... I appreciate it for what it was.

Cheers to a new one to come...

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right... I hope you had the time of your life..."

xoxo
signs the girl ready for the next ride...

Same Page...

One of life's many let downs is meeting someone and not being on the same page. Such a vital detail is being on the same wavelength in any successful relationship, be it friendship, a partnership, work or any ship in life. (But for the sake of this post we'll focus on intimate relationships.) Not being on the same page can determine absolutely everything moving forward.

How a story begins and ends is all determined on how well versed you are. Figuring out where someone stands is often not common knowledge in the very beginning. It takes some time of feeling a situation out and going from there. Truth is some people go in unsure what they want, they simply go along and find that out eventually. You can go into something not wanting anything at all, and end up getting so much from it, as you can also go into something wanting the world, and getting nothing from it. It's all trail & error.

You can't really blame anyone for not being on the same page as you, unless all throughout they claimed to be. Otherwise, you can't force anyone to be exactly where you want them to be...

You also run into circumstances in which you can't entirely pinpoint why something isn't full working out, where two people are seemingly seeking the same thing yet the cards aren't falling into place. This is where things get tricky... Often the desire for something to work means nothing if it wasn't meant to. You only acknowledge this when other things just effortlessly work... Not to assume that things are smooth sailing and the only requirement is for you to be on the same page, But the universe fights us tooth & nail when something isn't meant for us, we just have to listen to the signs... Just like the universe opens doors when things are suppose to work.

This isn't to say that you'll never be on the same page if you aren't intially, just saying it will be quite difficult to continue a book when you aren't initially. Someone is either going to rush to catch up, or someone else has to slow down to wait.

I guess the most difficult part of this, is watching those that weren't on your same page, be a perfectly written verse on someone else book...

xoxo
signs the girl seeking her verses...

New Year

33 days left in the year... 

While I'm aware that the concept of time is relative and arguable. I do often find myself extremely reflective this time of year. I look back on all the goals & plans I set for the year and how well I did or didn't. I take note of the lessons learned and the collective failures and accomplishments. The stories that began, those that ended. The new characters in my story and who I am today versus when the year started.

I must admit, 2016 was one of the better years I've seen in a long time. I'm grateful even for it's questionable moments. Goals were met, journeys were taken and my soul was filled. I started to work on a foundation I was ignoring for so many years now. I truly, geniuely focused on me and fixed the cracks that many years of negligence had created. I built with my future in mind, while still being focused on the present moment.

I met new people, dated, traveled, dieted, worked out, budgeted, focused...LIVED...

I originally wrote this post and had in mind listing all the amazing things that happened to me this year, along with my hard work & efforts...Then I realized that to be grateful you don't have to announce every single accomplishment. Those that know, do for a reason, and those that don't know, probably don't need to. That I can pat myself in the back and pop my own bottle of champagne, that my accomplishments don't grow or diminish based on who knows or doesn't. That often the things that fill our souls do not have to necessarily be shared. This too was part of the lessons learned in 2016. Every year is in fact another year of wisdom & knowledge. Another year filled with lifelong lessons and stories for days... If you have nothing to say about this year, then you likely didn't do much or didn't focus hard enough on the things the universe was showing you.

The year has 33 days left, and I'm sure in those 33 days I will continue to experience things, and I will have moments that change absolutely everything... or maybe it will be 33 conclusive days of 2016...

none the less, I will forever remember this year, as the year in which so much fell into place and I finally got some parts of my life together... SOME...

xoxo
signs the girl extremely grateful for 2016...

Not the one...

I've realized that probably one of the most difficult parts of a relationship ending is accepting that "you're not the one"... Realizing that yet again time was spent on something that wasn't concrete and wasn't meant to last. It's a mix of nostalgia for the times you'll miss, mixed with a heavy heart to know you'll have to start over. Jump into this journey of seeking that which your heart yearns for and deciding to take that risk yet again.

I've learned that there is in fact a difference between someone "not being into you" and "you just not being the one". Someone might in fact have all the feelings we classify as necessary for a relationship, but not always is it enough for the extra mile, the extra step, the extra hurdle...
Just, Not the one.

It's not an easy pill to swallow, it often comes with some self doubt, you kinda unknowingly start looking within yourself trying to figure out what you might have done differently. You try to figure out what is it about you that makes you, NOT the one. What traits about yourself you could have altered to make this work. When the reality is, nothing you could have done would change the outcome. Things not only work out due to effort, but just simple universal stars aligning and something just working out. We can't force anything in this life, including the outcome of something so personal as a relationship. Some people find out they aren't the one fairly early on, others years down the line... sometimes you're just not the one, anymore... Plenty of things could have been done differently, but that doesn't mean circumstances and the outcome would change.

Prolonging a situation that has already proven not to work, is a personal decision, people take the time they feel necessary to go through the motions of an extended farewell. But once you've accepted that something isn't going to work out because "you aren't the one" it must be acknowledged that the universe won't suddenly change things.

But I guess you also learn that you don't know much of anything... That as much as you try to apply logic to something as complex as feelings and relationships, you'll never really have the answer, or know what's next. That you can only cautiously try to apply the lessons you have learned and apply them to new circumstances... and hope for the best...

but you just never truly know...

xoxo
signs the girl trying too hard.

Can't have your cake & eat it too...

Growing up in the 90's I remember Nice & Smooth had a song called "Cake & Eat it too"... As a kid, I loved this song, but truly had no idea what it really meant. In my young mind, I was like, WHY NOT?? Only to realize in simple terms, once you eat a cake you no longer have cake, you HAD it...same should apply in all life circumstances, but the reality is far from it...

I saw this quote & couldn't agree more. It's as if we no longer want to make the decision of either... 

A) Eating the cake & enjoying it while we have it,

OR

B) Saving it for when we could appreciate it. 

We want to nibble at it's edges and still expect to have a whole cake to eat when we're ready. Or getting a whole other cake when we're not even done with the first serving. We're living in a generation of greedy people, is what it sounds like. A generation of people that aren't sure what they really want and have so many options that they dabble in all cakes and want to keep their favorites. 

I'm sure I've done this myself. I'm sure I've been in situations & circumstances where I've very well tried to have my cake & eat it too... But we're not talking about what I've done here... :) 

I've been caught up in situations where people have wanted to deal with the essence of my best parts, while discarding the difficult parts of me. At least, avoiding them as best possible. Keeping me at arms reach, close enough to keep me, but far enough where I don't get in the way. 

You see I'm an amazing cake, but my layers become overwhelming too most. I've learned that whoever really wants it's will work through each layer no matter it's complexities. Even the layers they aren't really a fan of. But I've only learned this while shedding layers upon layers on the wrong people... 

you see, we live in a generation of "have your cake and eat it too"... and I almost lost myself in the process....

xoxo 

signs the girl saving the best part of herself

 

What's your speed?

One thing you learn if you date enough, is that the speed in which relationships go, develop, unravel... does very much vary case by case. No two situations is ever the same. Be it circumstances, emotions, or purely just life, how things go is truly unique. No one way is the "right" way... and I'm only really learning this now. After many trips & falls, it's finally hitting me that we just never know how something will work out, solely based on it's beginnings or even it's middle. That what seems perfect isn't always the case. That some people prefer to do things faster because that's what works at the moment, while others take it very very slowly because that seems to work too.

We are driven by emotions but lead by logic. 

or at least we should be...

We move forward with things based on many factors, some lean towards emotion more than they do logic & vice versa. The reality of it is as long as something is progressing organically and not being dragged or pulled... all is well.

Or at least it should be.

Except that we live in a society where it's a lot easier to judge a situation from the outside than it is to reflect on our own decisions. I'm extremely guilty of this sometimes. My initial reaction is to judge a situation based on my own experiences, knowing that my perspective is altered by bias opinions, and also knowing I have no idea the ins & outs of anyone else situation, making my opinion quite invalid with no true substances except a few generalizations I've learned along the way.

Seeing people fall in love instantly always seemed questionable to me, but watching someone not progress in a 10 year relationship, well that too seems doubtful...so which one is it? Where is this happy medium everyone is seeking...  what is in fact that "Right" approach...

Then I realized, the right approach is the one that feels right... the one you continue to work towards, because it works for you. That Billy & Sally being engaged after a year of being together, doesn't mean Bob & Lindsay aren't doing well in their 5 year still novios relationship. It just means things are different... and they will be different, each & every time...

But different means nothing if they all feel right.

& if you don't know what "right" feels like, then this might not be it for you... look for right, which ever speed it might be....

xoxo
signs the girl looking for her speed...

How do you feel about...?

I have mixed feelings about everything... I'm not sure what I know or what I believe in anymore. Life has shown me so many angles in certain things that it's almost impossible to have one solid view on anything. It's like I'm consistently inconsistent with a lot of my opinions.

Before anyone jumps down my throat, or side eyes me... please think of the last time you stated an opinion about something, and weeks, months or years later found yourself having to eat your words... or trying extra hard to show how things are different... if you are an adult in the year 2016 and said never...than you my friend are a liar... but that's neither here nor there.

Point is... I could no longer back up my opinions, solely because life happens and opinions are not solid facts so they are allowed to change and often do with the passing of time. Circumstances change and we're ever evolving so we are often having to re-evaluate how we feel or see things. If you don't,. than you are somewhat stubborn and unable to adjust with the times and honestly likely not growing much.

Life happens to everyone and with it circumstances out of our control, which forces us to do and say things we never thought we would. That's not necessarily a bad thing, at least I don't think it is. We usually form opinions based on what we know. So learning things from a different perspective obviously should change how you view something overall. At least that's how it's suppose to work.

Opinions are not fact... how you feel about a situation will change one day, not because you're a hypocrite but because that's what life is about. I'm convinced the main purpose of life is to constantly show us that we know nothing.

So next time someone ask me how do I feel about something... I'll start with "depends when you ask me, but today I feel..."

xoxo
signs the girl that keeps learning from her own decisions.

Rules

Rule: One of a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere

Norm: Something that is usual, typical, or standard. 

Society created rules in order for us to become a "civilized" bunch. These norms were  created so that we can continue to evolve and not be as barbaric as our beginnings. Certain things became enforced norms. Obviously, since the beginning of time people have questioned these things, & have stepped outside of what people expect you do, some more than others.

Norms & rules have become such a part of us, so much so that if you do something that doesn't follow these norms your happiness is immediately questioned. Your thought process is immediately doubted and it's almost automatically seen as "not right"... It's as if not doing what everyone else has done or how they did it, makes it an automatic formula to failure.

Almost as if we forget that we are evolving creatures that constantly adjust to our habitat and setting. That when we make a decision that doesn't go with the expectation of someone else, it's often because we were forced to adjust based on our own reality. & certain things just work for different people. But, once you've become so use to these norms & rules, we begin to question even our own decisions when they are different than what we know.

Don't get me wrong, I've found myself in various ends of this spectrum at different instances in my life. From the judgy person who questions why someone is doing things a certain way. To the person that does things somewhat unconventionally, as if I make my own rules. I'm the girl that steps in & out of the box, quite often in one single situation. I don't do well with norms & rules, but like the comfort of order, all at the same time. So I find that I'm often battling myself, getting in constant disagreements about my own decisions.

What I want to do versus what I'm use to doing. 

What I'm doing versus what I assume I should be doing

Deciding if "right" is a decision I made or was it made for me... 

We usually have preconceived notions of how things are suppose to go, how they should begin & end. The timeline they should follow and when exactly in life all these things should be happening. We've engraved expectations in our souls that the second something is not aligned with it, we question absolutely everything about it.

At least I do.

Don't get me wrong... I continuously do whatever I want, but always with doubt. Shamed by the expectations society has set on my shoulders.

xoxo
signs the girl who's choosing a blank slate.

Happy Endings...

After a few years walking on this road called life, it often becomes difficult to geniuely believe in happy endings. We see things repeatedly end in our own lives and with those around us. Certain things we never saw coming and others were expected. All in All, forever seems to become more and more rare.

While tainted, I'm still not phased by this reality. Somehow, some way, I still believe in happy endings. I still somehow go into things hopeful of the promise of longevity. I still believe in forever.
This might make me a dreamer or naive, but it's me. I believe in the ability of things working out. Maybe not smoothly, maybe not exactly as planned, & definitely not easily... but that they work. They take work, but they work.

It's difficult in the year 2016 and at 30 years old to still believe. After you've experienced enough big endings, beginnings become difficult and middles shaky & rare. Starting something, anything, comes filled with hesitation, fear and a sense of unwillingness to try. Not wanting to go through the motions of yet another end. Almost like before something even starts you have decided it likely won't work, regardless how good it feels. I think sometimes we anticipate the end, in hopes that if we plan & expect for it, it won't feel as bad.

So when I say I'm not phased, it doesn't mean I jump head first. It just means I still believe, no matter how long it takes me dipping my toes in the water to check if it's warm enough. I still go in, in hopes that these waters run deep like the ocean, not a rapid river that might kill me, and not a puddle with no sense of depth. I still believe in happy endings...

Only to realize I should stop to think of them as happy...endings... but as one continuous series of beginnings. A story with many chapters. Something filled with layers & layers of what make something worth telling. A mix of good, bad, sad, life changing, new, old..happy...

xoxo

signs the girl hopeful on forever... 

Patience

I feel like I'm entering a new stage in adulthood. It's the point in life where I'm finally realizing patience is in fact a virtue. It seems like we live in a time where instant gratification is a new norm. That waiting for things isn't commendable. I admit, 96.8% of me is one of those people. I am a person that drops things soon after I see it doesn't work for me. If it, in any way inconveniences my balance, I mark it NULL. Or at least my entire approach is altered, my effort diminishes & at that point I might as well just quit.

But after many trials & tribulations, I've entered a place of patience... Not that I'm there yet, but I'm working on it. Working on acknowledging that most things aren't meant to start at it's highest peak, that it's a climb there. That the bottom is where things should start & not where they end. That we must put in the work to reap the rewards. That good things come to those who wait, and put forth the effort.

All cliche, all things that seem obvious, but rare these days...

oh so rare.

It's my want to get the raise & promotion before I even shown my ability. I walk away from things when I feel I've put my fair share, only to look back & realize the things, jobs, people I walk away from weren't even that bad. This is not to say to bend over backwards for just anything or anyone. Not to say, stay in dead end jobs and dead end relationships/friendships. It's simply to say work on what you feel deep down is worth being patient for. That in order for anything to last you must practice patience. That job titles don't fall on your lap & successful marriages just don't happen overnight.

I once found it silly people that would suck it up, and stick it out. Immature even. People that stayed in jobs that weren't perfect and relationships that were below subpar, were foolish & know nothing about life... Until I noticed the gaps in my professional resume & personal one... Until I realized that how could anything advance if I don't put my best efforts forward and hope for the best.

This is not to say patience is the only major key, you might wait forever and still not get what you want. Life is comedic that way. It's simply something in the last year or so I've been working on & it's caused a great sense of peace inside of me. It also to some extent has been working already in some areas of my life.

It's learning that if you jump ship too soon, you'll never end up anywhere... but in other broken ships... or just stranded in the ocean...

xoxo
signs the girl working on her professional & personal resume.

Fairy Tale...

Sometimes we (or maybe just me, who knows) forget that behind every fairy-tale are hurdles, struggles, blood (maybe, not this one so much), sweat & tears. That simple, doesn't exist. Some stories worst than others, neither, one in the same. That the only way to truly know the ins & outs of a relationship, you have to be IN IT. That no matter how much you think you know, you have no idea. Sometimes the ones that seem to be the happiest, aren't...and vice versa.

I've noticed in my own interactions that one of my biggest issues is getting past the not so pretty parts. It's acknowledging that nothing & no one is perfect, despite what the pictures might show. That happy doesn't always come in the box you thought it would. It's remembering that not all timelines are the same & the only expectations I should have should match the things I'm offering. It's accepting that we all have a past that molds us into the person we are today and it's a constant battle of either putting it behind us or developing from it.

We get so consumed in the artificial aspects of what we want based on what we see that we almost completely forget what we need. In my observation throughout the last few years, I've noticed how I continuously have a false sense of what I need, based on all the things I've been taught or seen that I should expect. I also notice that I expect the world too fast, when I often have my walls as high as the great wall of China. Except that now, just like that wall, mine is old and battered and slowly crumbling...giving me specs of new light (please note I'm quite sure the Great Wall of China is not crumbling anytime soon lmao). New light & insight into myself and the things I wish to offer and mostly the things I wish to change about myself. Which in turn gives me a clearer picture of what I really need from a partner.

I read a quote today that sparked great thoughts & was a mini "A-Ha" moment...

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get-only with what you are expecting to give- which is everything"... 

Which reassured me that if nothing else I finally realized that the only person I can change is myself and I'm working on me, to give only the best of me and then see what comes from it, when I do in fact decide to give...everything. Whille again remembering not everyone gives everything right away, in fact most don't, including me.

I'm learning that fairy-tales are not stories, but feelings... It's the ability to acknowledge all the worst parts of yourself yet make an intent to work on it. It's being able to see past the difficulties and indulge in the goodness of it... it's deciding over & over again that you choose this bond over everything...

at least that's what I hope...

xoxo
signs the girl all in her feelings...clearly.

Loneliness

I never thought I'd be one of those people that's happy being alone. Most people that know me wouldn't know this about me. With the size of my family and the amounts of people I'm surrounded by, you'd think I'm rarely alone. But when I'm alone is when I'm happiest. A week or day that doesn't allow me moments to myself is one in which I become quite irritated and disoriented.

Being okay with myself was something I only forcefully discovered. I didn't plan it, I didn't aim for it... it just happened & I had to become okay with it. Until I fell in love with the time I spent with myself & now I'm not sure I know any other way (for now).

You see my road started in 2014 when I found myself in a new apartment & unemployed. My roommate was obviously working most of the day or at her boyfriends house most of the nights. So I found myself having to entertain myself. Having to be ok with the silence and the screams of my thoughts. As the weeks went by it became easier, until eventually it became my favorite state of being. The ability to sit in silence and be one with the seemingly stillness of the universe is an amazing feeling, that I've learned not everyone can handle. It was only after discovering that I could, that I discovered that so many couldn't or at least many simply didn't want to experience.

As I discussed life with a coworker they mentioned something that lingered in me & inspired this post. My mentor told me that the more time I spend alone, the larger my walls get. The more being alone becomes home, the less I'd want to leave there. That "Home" has to eventually become a place with someone else & to achieve that after considering yourself home, is a difficult barrier to get through.

& nothing sounded so accurate in my life...

You see, I find myself in a different place in my life. A place in which I do in fact want to adjust to life without as much time alone. I mean eventually down the line I'll have a family in which alone time is very scarce & rare. A life in which I have to bring in a partner and have THAT become my home & happy place. I'm noticing that this adjustment might be even more difficult than falling in love with myself...

I guess the first step is the desire to seek happiness outside of yourself. We are so often told you should find happiness within yourself, but they never tell you what to do once you do. They never tell you that once you discover how happy you make yourself, finding someone to add to it is beyond difficult. That you have built this magical place of bliss within yourself that you're scared to let anyone really in to tarnish it. Because that's all you know about other people, that they taint things & make them difficult. That they take space & require you to take from yourself & give to them... That in order for something to work you have to selflessly give parts of you... Taking from your "home" and adding to another...

I'm adjusting... mentally preparing for what may come one day... In a place where I am so ok with myself, that I'm ready to see what someone could offer.

I'd say I'm ready, but I guess we'll find out...

xoxo
signs the girl that made "loneliness" home...

The list...

The list of expectations...

Some of us have an actual list... others a mental list that they've created throughout the years

It's a list of things we look for in a partner. If you don't have a list take a minute now to think of some things you look for (even if you're currently with someone now, think of the list without thinking directly about them)... 

I'd show you my list, but it seems so personal & I'd feel very exposed somehow. Like BAM this is what I want, so I'll keep it to myself, while sharing as much on it as possible. Earlier this year I created my list, as to manifest this person. I didn't specify details, but a few general things that throughout the years I've found to truly desire in a person. I made this list because I realized that I had no specific outline of what I'm looking for. The list ranges from as silly as "dances" to as deep as "appreciates God". It's generally things we would hope for in someone we're sharing our time, energy & hearts with. You'd think with something that serious we'd be more careful in the selection process (by we, I mean ME).

But truth is, most of us adjust our list depending how much we like someone. We put our feelings above logic and cross things off while adding some others. Almost like we completely forget everything we wanted and work with what we got. I guess the real question now is, is it okay to do this? Is this what we're suppose to be doing? Should a list even exist?

I mean... I don't have the answers & you will definitely not find the answers here... I'm still trying to figure it out right now. I'm in the stage of adjusting my list, crossing somethings out while adding others, all while trying to figure out if this is really what I want. If it's truly suppose to be working out the way it is...

I am and forever will be (likely) a person that goes against most logic & follows my heart entirely. I'm a believer of doing what feels right. Even if right goes against your own list. Even if right doesn't always fit the mold. We often have a misconception that things should follow a certain life line of events. When in reality things are always just going to go, the way they are going to go. Either they will work or they won't. Some things happen in the matter of days, others take years... some start out picture perfect, others have bumpy smeared lines as beginnings... all beautiful & unique...all an experience...

So I guess what I'm saying is... what feels right is right...even if just for right now. The list is just a list. You might find someone that fits every section but you feel nothing for...then what?...

I'm learning as I go... adjusting my list... I guess we'll see if this one works out... I'll let you know soon enough...

xoxo
signs the girl who's making things work.

Tolerance

Tolerance in relationships has been a hot topic of conversation lately & on my mind for quite some time. 

Tolerance-  Noun- The ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with

Next to compromise, tolerance is probably one of  the top 5 things that keeps a relationship going (in my humble single opinion). Tolerance to me is the ability to swallow your pride, put your natural beliefs aside and tolerate certain things for the sake of making something work. Obviously we all have a variance in tolerance levels. Some people tolerate pretty extreme ends of the spectrum, while others can't tolerate the most minimal inconvenience. 

I'd like to believe I fall somewhere in the middle, but that's likely not true. I'm not sure I put up with much or am ever really fully willing to put my own opinions aside in order for something to just work... which probably explains why nothing has. Yet I'm fully aware that this is the one requirement needed in order to create that life society so often shoves down our throat. It's one of the most difficult parts of most partnerships, it's deciding it's worth to make this work so you have to turn your cheek. It's an understanding that as humans we will make mistakes, we will disagree, we will do things we said we wouldn't and being okay with it, time & time again.  Tolerance is the ability to swallow your pride and deciding that this is what you want for yourself so you will make due with what you have. 

We obviously always automatically think of worst case scenarios, physically, mentally or spiritually abusive situations. But I think we have to step away from those extremes. Those aren't every day situations and are circumstances in only some relationships.  

I'm thinking more the everyday mundane situations... someones work ethic, how they interact with family & friends, Their cleaning habits, Their eating habits, how they communicate, how they show love, bad habits, addictions, etc etc it's an endless list of things people can develop a strong distaste for, but we have to decide throughout if we care to look past those seemingly minimal or big things. If being with this person or someone matters more to you than all these things. Essentially if you want to make this work despite these things... 

It's tolerance... 

Some of us have a lot of it, and others don't... I guess you have to decide what you're willing to put up with & for who. Maybe once you find the person you really want to be with, you adjust your tolerance levels and make things work no matter the circumstance...

or maybe some of us never learn and just can't make it work...

Guess we'll see & find out..

xoxo

signs the girl deciding her tolerance level.... 

Endings...

It's been nearly 9 years since my last first day of school.. yet, the reminiscence of beginnings lingers in the air this time of year...

Almost as if we wash the sand from our summer adventures and start a new season a bit changed... not only by our complexion from the sun rays... but we become reflective on everything that has already happened in the year & preparing for the remainder of the no longer new year...

It's like the steady beginning to another end. Fall isn't my season by any means, but I do enjoy every change of season and what it brings to my energy. Even if it means something is ending...
We, yes all of us collectively, tend to become weary with endings. Holding on a bit longer to what we know, often longer than we should. We do so, mostly because everything changes once you let go & the unknown is exactly that, something we know nothing about and we aren't sure what to expect from it. But endings simply indicates the beginning of something new. Even if new simply means life without someone or something.

A few things have changed already, some unexpected endings...some lingering beginnings & things that have potential... All indicating change, the only certain thing we have in life... The certainty that all things are uncertain. I think after a while we get so use to everything changing that we learn to have to adjust rather quickly. To adjust to the changes life is constantly throwing our way. So much so that when things become stagnant and unchanging we get an itch within ourselves to shake things up a bit...

at least I do.

No, I'm not a lover of turbulence, but anything that makes me feel alive is welcomed. Anything that makes me feel a change from the mundane...I'm here for it.

You can all stay with your mediocrity while I continue to chase commotion. not enough to ruin things, but enough to make me feel alive. I do not chase drama but I chase emotion.. Whatever reminds me of all my senses...

See, endings simply means beginnings are near, as long as you continue to chase them... Not to say to chase endings, but to understand that with each conclusion comes another plot twist, until it's over...

so embrace them, these endings that come & change everything... until a new beginning comes around and we become hopeful...

xoxo
signs the girl that loves beginnings

Lessons in Colombia...

Since as far back as I could remember New York summers always left me with the best stories to tell. Endless lessons that I will carry with me forever, and adventures that one could never replicate.

Must be something in the air...

This summer added a bit of a bonus, it already had many interesting short stories... But this trip pretty much summed up a series of lessons that I have learned in summer 2016... Some I probably should have known/learned before, but it only all came together in these moments...

When you're alone you're forced to observe more than usual & you're forced to listen to your deepest thoughts. Especially when you're displaced from your norm... I don't mean being alone in your room, but alone in a place where you must adjust your reality.. 

so this is what adjusting my reality taught me...showed me...forced me to see.. 

• Romance could be found in the strangest places, not just an intimate partner
• Be cautious but not fearful...
• "Don't talk to strangers" should only apply to children
• Everyone should take a trip alone at least once in their lives
• The unknown isn't as scary as it seems, In fact it's often better than the things you already know
• You're capable of more than you ever thought you were
• Trust people, no matter how many times you've  been let down... If you go around closing yourself off, you'll truly end up alone and with no one to turn to.
• Having people that love & worry for you does indeed make you feel like you can conquer the world, surround yourself with those people.

• Never stop dating your husband, his unhappiness shows a mile away, pay attention to him. You don't realize how unhappy married men with young children look, until observing everyone is all you have left to do. & I sure saw this, one too many times
• In turn... Colombian men have no shame in staring at other women while with their wives. Be careful with those...  
• We won't always know where our tears are coming from, but let them flow. 
• Being able to spend time with your own thoughts is the best cleanse you'll ever experience 
• Take yourself on dates more often 
• Always wear the pretty outfit, for any occasion, nothing wrong with being picture ready. 
• You're never over dressed... ever
• Travel/Vacation as often as possible, getting away from the routine of life, makes you appreciate life a lot more. 

• Being single isn't a bad thing once you've learn to appreciate your own company...
• Learn to appreciate your own company, be alone for a little bit it makes you see things differently.
• & by alone, I mean really alone...
• Love is shown in so many different ways... worry/concern over your well being is one of them.
• Take risk... Like riding on a motorcycle, walking an unknown path, smiling at a stranger... 
• Home will always be home, but learn to get comfortable anywhere... live like a gypsy. 
• Learn to put your phone down sometimes... 
• No one is a better friend to you than you... your gut never lies.
• It's usually the one that you least expect that takes your breath away...

I'm sure I'm missing a lot of other minor things... but these pretty much sum up what summer 2016 has meant for me (still a few weeks left)...along with what my trip taught me... I entered 30 feeling like a new person filled with quite the story to tell and one yet to be written... 

xoxo

signs the girl that will carry these lessons forever..

Eat, Pray, Love... or Something like that... Part 1

We often discover that the unplanned moments in our lives are usually the most memorable. That no matter how much we try to align things, things turn out as they should and not as you planned.

19 days ago I turned 30... and 2 days ago I returned from the most amazing trip I've ever taken in my life, thus far.

For a little over 8 years, I've been wanting to take a trip down to Colombia. 8 years of traveling to numerous other places... 8 years of knowing this is where I wanted to go, but somehow the universe not allowing it to happen. Until this year, when I went as far as putting it on my vision board & telling myself this is the year I would make this happen, no matter what.

& this is the year that it did.

When I originally planned or set out for this trip, I had no intention of going alone. I'm not a world traveler, I'm not a fearless adventurer. I do not seek thrills in discovering new things outside of my concrete jungle. I tend to be the traveler that lounges, drinks & eats...

Then this happened...

I ended up alone in Colombia (I'll spare the details on how)... I only knew I would be alone hours before I was set to board my plane. & for reasons unknown to me, I was completely calm... not nervous, not upset...just...calm. As if I knew this would be the outcome... and also because I had meditated enough to know that I would let nothing or no one ruin this experience for me...

they aren't lying when they say that when somethings "right" & meant to happen, the universe conspires and makes everything work out perfectly. That things just seem to fall into place, without much effort on your part.

I learned many things on this trip (stay tuned for part 2), but one of the initial lessons was that some moments are best experienced alone, that unlike what society usually makes you feel, you don't need someone else to witness it for it to be great.

In order to fully take anything in, you have to be still & be observant... and often that is only possible when you're completely alone... & this is exactly what happened... I felt every emotion you can think of while on this trip, from fear, joy, sadness, excitement... from silent moments in tears & thoughts, to the happiest of moments surrounded by strangers.

You see, I took this trip without anyone I knew... But never ever did I feel alone...

To be continued...

xoxo
signs the girl that took a leap of faith & landed a new person.

Raw

I think one of my favorite things about meeting new people, is how much we learn about ourselves in the process. That is, of course if you're self reflective enough.

I enjoy self discovery. If nothing else is certain... It's sure as heck sure that you're stuck with yourself until in the very end... So why not know yourself... So I do a ton of self evaluation in my day to day. Not always productively. But enough that I'm continuously learning & using it when need be.

So, one of my recent interesting discoveries is a potential positive or negative thing about my personality. Depends on who you're asking or the interaction...

& that is... I'm too much of myself, always. I don't water myself down, and all parts of me can become overwhelming to some. I share 100% of my energy, I don't give myself in doses. I wear my heart on my sleeve & I'm raw. I give it all and if you can't handle my wholeness, then you can't.

I don't switch things up... I'm consistent in my ways, even if my ways aren't entirely perfect. You get this me from beginning to end. In all settings, and with all interactions, I choose to put my true face forward and hope for the best from there.

I wasn't always this way. I, like most people in society, would give small doses of myself until it seemed people were ready for all of me. Or some still never show their full selves unless around the right people.

some days... I wish I could retract and go back to that. Go  back to days where I had some reservations, at least initially. Back to the times where I was so concerned of my surroundings that I was conservative with what I let out.

& other days... I wouldn't change a thing... I'm a free spirit, a person that doesn't let pride determine the relationships I keep. I don't care to share my thoughts no matter who's on the listening end. I don't care of the opinions of others, even if this effects my relationships in the long run. My thought process is, if you don't like me in my full natural form... then you just don't like me at all.

So I have recently discovered that my heart & soul are exposed. That I'm not guarded, that I put it all out on the table and leave it up to you if you eat...

people like me get hurt often & easily...

but people like me are unchanged by the reality that most people aren't like this... that not everyone is giving you their full selves & that we are often unaware... unknowing... of what people are capable of... until it's too late.

xoxo
signs the girl that's raw in her form. 

Eliz 3.0

a few hours shy of entering the once scary place called your 30's... I think it hit me when I was 26 or so, that this crazy number was creeping closely. That number that signifies you are truly no longer a young adult. That number that means your ovaries are definitely looking up at you now... that number that at one point in time seemed OLD... REALLY OLD...

& here we are...

a few hours shy of it, & it's not scary anymore. My manicure wasn't what I wanted, my shirt came in the wrong size, my hair stylist quit the salon... and I'm not hyperventilating, because let's face it, at this age so much other significant changes are constantly happening, that the once detrimental things, seem...so, so dumb.

It doesn't matter as much, as it once did. I guess this is 30, the realization that things have been going "wrong" the right way for years now. That there is in fact perfection in timing. That the cliche saying, everything happens for a reason, is more than just a saying, but a way of life. The acceptance that certain things will happen if you're ready for them or not.

Turning 30 being one of them.

I should be counting my blessings, & I have this week in particular. I'm surrounded by so much love my heart could burst. So many people love me for the crazy individual that I am, Some for years now, and others are just learning the essence of me.

I promised myself that no matter what happens in the next 21 days, I will not let it effect my energy. That no matter the curve balls life throws my way, I will handle them the way I've been learning how to, for the last 29 years...

I'm entering 30 taking a trip I've been dreaming about... putting closure to a long extended farewell. To heal my heart and enter this new chapter ready to face the next 30+. Having my own version of "Eat, Pray, Love" hoping to come back taking on life in a different light. That I come back with a healed heart & soul from the journey that was my young adulthood.

I'm blessed, beyond measure, not by material things but by the warmth of every soul I've ever encountered. Knowing that at my "young" age, I've touched so many lives with my energy and words. That if nothing else, I've made my energy contagious enough that people engulf in it. That the path I've walked has led me here and I can't complain, because here is where I should be.

so, I guess this is 30...

I'll see & find out.

xoxo
signs the girl embracing her womanhood.

Beginnings...

"Beginnings are scary, especially after many bumpy endings. 

This doesn't mean you should avoid them. 

This doesn't mean you should expect the worst. 

This doesn't mean this beginning won't change absolutely everything. 

Beginnings are meant to be scary, with it comes new experiences, lessons, and another story to tell....

and hopefully one that continues to write itself... 

xoxo ElizTalks"

I think we all have our thoughts on how we feel about new beginnings. How quickly we embrace them, how open we are to jumping in, how willing we are to actually start... or how reluctant we become to start new chapters, how scary the unknown truly is, how unwilling we are to actually start...
As we get older, beginnings usually mean something else ended, So it comes with a mix of bitter sweet feelings. It comes with this sense of excitement for what's to come, mixed with nostalgia for what use to be, blended with fear of what will come from it.

The more we experience in life, the more immune we become to the constant beginning & ending of things. We become numb almost, to this cycle. New friends, new jobs, new partners, new homes... which means old friends, old jobs, old partners, old homes... the list goes on. Life consist of moments that are always either beginning or ending...

and in some rare special cases, simply continuing... A story that has one beginning with a series of little endings, yet no true end...an infinite experience that is continuous. Still filled with chapters of beginnings but maybe not the ones you're use to... these beginnings are usually the scariest or the most natural. You never really know what's to come off a first step, probably not even after several.

Life leaves us with the certainty that nothing is in fact certain. That solid foundations crack, that brick walls crumble, & that a beginning that felt like it would never have an end...could.

This doesn't mean we shouldn't begin again... this doesn't mean we should be so fearful of what we don't know that we fail to experience a story... that this beginning might be different than any other & you wouldn't know that, unless you actually start...

Beginnings are scary, especially after man bumpy endings...
this doesn't mean you should avoid them...

never know what infinite beginnings come with it...

xoxo
Signs the girl considering a new book...

A race to forever...

As the clock ticks & I get closer & closer to a much anticipated age of 30... I've come to accept, learn and observe a lot about human nature, in my 29.99 years of life.

I've seen a lot & I've done a lot in this lifetime so far. I've experienced enough to fill a book, yet never enough to stop learning. Sometimes I even look back and think I've lived a few lives in just this one. & I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.

With experiences come many lessons... With interactions come many observations...One prominent observation I've made, is how we're constantly racing to forever... Certain things we wish to begin despite them having no real "end"... Families, Love, Friendships, Careers... I admit for a long time I was this person. This person who's life worked on a timeline & outline. That things had to align a certain way for my life to be "right". That if by this age, I wasn't doing this, then I might as well crumble into nothingness.

I admit, for a split second on any given day, I still reach these moments of anxiety in which I mentally hyperventilate at the idea that my life isn't "where it should be, by now"... That certain things aren't progressing "as they should be"... only to take a seat & remind myself, who decides MY "should be"...

Then I realize I'm racing to forever... & I stop.

That life is going to happen if I plan it or not. That I'm going to experience things if I'm meant to. That my forever is a series of moments that make up my right now. That I've geniuely gotten more out of life with my temporary forevers, that some won't in forever...

That if I'm waiting on a story that will last forever, it still won't mean as much as the forever I'm already living right now.

That if it begins today or 5 years from now, it won't change it's worthiness. That we get so consumed in every other individuals story that we forget we can only live our own. That just because they are doing it differently doesn't mean they are doing it right... doesn't mean they are doing it wrong either... they are just doing. As you should just do....

That the only true ticking clock is the biological clock, & even that one has been adjusted by science.

That racing to forever won't make forever last any longer. Or make it any better.

That my forever might end tomorrow... and I'll still be fine with the forever I've lived.

That maybe some experiences aren't meant for you & others are.

That forever is forever for a reason, so just go with it....

that every second...makes up forever.

xoxo

Signs the girl accepting her right now.

Opinions

"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one"...

I obviously always knew this, I'm lucky enough & blessed to be surrounded by a ton of amazing people, so I've heard my fair share of opinions. 

But I personally think, NO ONE gets the joy of hearing more opinions ::I hope you heard the sarcasm:: than a 29 (almost 30) year old single woman. Clearly just my perspective at the moment, as all things I write. 

But anywho, either I missed the memo, or 

A) Everyone is so full of wisdom & knowledge that they have it all figured out & I missed the forum 

B) Everyone knows what's best for me, & not me myself or anything

C) I'm such a lost puppy that needs all this guidance 

D) Everyone got their PHD in dating

::Hope you heard the sarcasm again::

Not to say I take these opinions negatively, don't get your panties in a bunch, BIH... BUT chill out people. You have it figured out as much as I do. No one will EVER...I repeat EVER know me more than I know myself. You might want the best for me & have the best intention at heart, but no one will EVER know what's best for me, more than I do. Same goes for you, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. (well maybe my mom, she seems to be a true guru in most things)... 

Not that I'm expecting people to sit in silence during a conversation, by any means. Sharing thoughts & opinions with humans is healthy & necessary. But be mindful of your tone. Be careful not to share your opinion as fact or expertise. That doing so will only make me, not respect a single thing you're saying, so don't waste your breath. 

We're all in this planet trying to figure it out, & rest assure you haven't, none of us have. It's trail & error, all of life literally is. No matter what stage/phase or life you're in, you still have lessons to learn (by experiencing things), you still have plenty of life to live. Where you are today won't be where you are tomorrow & your opinions will change. So don't take yourself too serious. 

If there's one thing I've learned is that the universe is never done teaching us. That what we felt yesterday might not be the same days from today. That the universe has a funny, REALLY funny way of showing us just how off we are when we think we know the "right way" or the things we'd never ever do... I'll wait for it... 

So, don't let the sarcastic opinionated beast come out next time you're trying to figure my life out for me... Because I have an asshole too...

xoxo 

signs the girl that prays she doesn't suddenly become knower of all things... 

(BF)F?

Should your partner be your best friend?

I have mixed feelings about the topic. Parts of me automatically answer with, "hell F-ing absolutely, yes"...
...then other parts are like not necessarily...

Hear me out...

A partner is suppose to be a teammate, at least that's how I imagine it should be. A confidant that you go to at your lowest & highest moments. The person you geniuely want to share everything with. Which is beginning to sound a lot like a best friend. Someone that holds your secrets and holds you down whenever necessary.

I recently had a discussion about this & was surprised to hear the person say that this is absolutely untrue. That a good partnership does not need to mean best friends. That friend & partner should be two separate things. I was a bit taken aback. As our new age expectations in society has definitely made that statement entirely false.

But, then you take a minute to take it in and realize that this is exactly how things worked back in the day...you know... back when partnerships lasted... back when relationships didn't really end... was this because people weren't friends? They were solely partners..... ::insert shocked confused thought provoked emoji face::: Then I started thinking, maybe there's logic to this madness. Maybe expecting a best friend out of a partner shouldn't be on top of the list. That so many other qualities should trump this detail, which to some is very important ( please note I'm one of those "some"). That a best friend should be found among your friends, & a partner, well should be found within the person you're intimate with.

When you are surrounded by a lot of friends (like myself & the nameless person in this convo) you aren't truly craving that from anyone else. You get that in so many places that the need, want & desire to find it in ONE person seems unreal since each single person in your life fills that role in their own way. You wouldn't imagine life without every single one of them.

Not to say your partner is unimportant. I still think they will forever hold a higher pedestal than everyone else. a different type of bond... a relationship unparalleled to any other.

but maybe best friend isn't what we should be looking for...
or is it?

xoxo
signs the girl that always tries to see things from anothers perspective...

Too Invested...

Please note that whenever I write "as some of you may or may not know"... What I'm really saying is "allow me to reintroduce myself" ::jayz voice::... 

So... as some of you may or my not know I'm an emotional creature. I get overly involved and once I decide to give my energy to something it's full blown straight from the core of me, energy. That type of shit you feel from miles away. The type of shit that takes a little part of me each & every time. Which may explain why when things go awry, I don't fully know what to do with myself. Not right away at least. I'm basically left unaware of what to do with all the energy lost & all the energy I felt I had left to give.

This happens in many areas of my life- be it work, school, hobbies, love, friends... It's like once I make the conscience decision to give myself, I give sooo much. This might sound like it's not a real issue, but it's one of the biggest issues I'll ever have in life. The truth is, most things in life definitely shouldn't have that much of you. Some things in life don't deserve to take parts of you and give nothing in return. It's like investing in stock you know you're going to lose money in & still putting in 75% of your savings... It makes no sense...

BUT...

I continue to do it. I continuously pinpoint places, people, things and decide that I want to invest parts of my soul in it...

& months shy to 30, this soul giving girl...is TIRED...... TIE-Errrd....  It's like I've officially depleted my energy. Like I've officially reached that point where I'm like...nahh Fuck ya...all of ya...every single one of ya... I don't want to hear about your goals, I don't want to know your work problems, I don't want to answer your drunk phone calls, I don't want to hear how your weekend went, I don't want to be your personal comedian, I don't want to pick you up when you're down, I don't want to entertain you when you're down., I don't want to go to every happy hour with you, I don't want to be this hyper active ball of energy, I don't want to hear about your diet plan, I don't want to shop with you, I don't want to GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE....

wuu saa... Excuse the rant.. simply how I'm feeling today. Tomorrow might be a different story. Just know if you're reading this, I mean YOU too..

xoxo
signs the girl sick & tired of being sick & tired...

More Rants about Dating...

Who freaking knew I was no good at this...

Getting along with people was never difficult for me. People gravitate to my energy fairly easily & quickly. I like to keep my energy welcoming and light. Even when I'm quiet people tend to know I'm alright to be around. I'm simply not the type of person that gets lost in the background, People remember I was there and for some reason want me there again the next time. 

You'd think dating would be a breeze for me, that meeting a genuine potential would be easy as pie (clearly whoever made that phrase up never made pie)... turns out dating is as difficult as making pie actually is. 

I get turned off easily, I get attached easily, I overthink, I'm emotionally awkward, I have commitment issues, ::whispers:: I'm a bit tainted (thank you all fuckboys from 2012-2016) .... 

I'm 29.5 years old and I'm not sure how this is really suppose to work... (or at least I'm not like 75% of society that swears they somehow have it all figured out)...

No two experiences are the same, but patterns within yourself do in fact exist. Even so, what didn't work for one person might work for another. It's not always a matter of what you're doing wrong, but simply about a connection not being there. If it didn't work out with one person, it's because it wasn't suppose to work out with that person (I might get this tattooed on me, because when it comes to that I'm the most stubborn creature on earth...because OBVI, if I want something to work out, it has to... because I said so...) 

Any who, that's neither here nor there... 

The truth is... I'm no good at this at all, this whole dating thing. This whole trying to figure out a complete stranger while learning about yourself in the process. This not knowing a person enough to decipher what they might really mean. This beginning awkward stages where you question everything & anything...while trying to put your best foot forward, while still trying to figure out how slowly or quickly to chip down your wall. 

Accepting the "oh shit" moment, that you realize you're actually attempting to let someone else in... and you remember what happened last time you did that................Look how well that turned out.... ::insert psychotic smile:: 

I'm an overthinker by nature, the concept of going with the flow is me paddling like a mad woman either with the current or against it. No in between...

so this is me again... trying to shut myself up... and learning to let go...

because, babygirl.....you have to...

xoxo 

signs the girl trying to date quietly. 

Interview Process... for a date

Sooo I decided to give the online dating world a try, (again). I can't say it's been unsuccessful in the past, I just don't think I ever geniuely gave it an honest try. Being on a site for 1 week, not meeting anyone in person & then deactivating the account, doesn't entirely count as an honest try.

Can't lie this online stuff can be very overwhelming, it's a lot at once, especially if your selfie game is as strong as mine ;) . It's almost like speed dating on crack.

You're basically the CEO of your corporation (your heart) and you're interviewing someone to be the right hand man of your life, with zero experience. Online dating is the equivalent of  posting the position on a job search engine & resumes are coming left and right. The interview process is tedious and has various levels, (everyone has different variations of what these levels are). You meet such a variation of people, some you like instantly and others you instantly don't like. & sometimes you see people that seem like the perfect candidate but that doesn't mean they'll accept the position or offer... Or they do & then quit before their first direct deposit check even hits. It's a lot!

I use to say "I don't date a lot", but I realized I've probably dated more than a lot of people I know. I've been single for well over 3 years now, and not single in the sense that I haven't entertained anyone at all, but, single in the sense that I've had a few misses, nothing official & nothing that has stuck. (well not in the right ways at least) & I'm ready to rest my pimp hat and "settle" down. This isn't the first time I've said this in the last 3 years, If you know me well enough you know every now & again, I sing the same tune... BUT, I'm serious this time. I'm ready for that annoying person who I tell everything to. Someone to take to double dates, someone to actually meet my family & friends... I want alllll of it. Even the bad parts...meeeehh

But, like most things in life, you can't wave your magic wand. It's a process, one that happens naturally & organically regardless how you meet this person.  You can't force anything, especiallllly not this.

But I'm continuing this interview process & seeing where it takes me... one emoji at a time. Stay tuned for future bae...

xoxo
signs the girl who's hiring...

Fitness

I entered 2016 fully determined to get fit & healthy. To cut my bad eating habits and to completely change how I looked at food. I started this mostly because I was looking a hot mess and also because I'm a toe away from 30. 

Among other shallow & dumb reasons I won't mention here

(let's face it when it comes to physical appearance you will always have a number of silly motivations) 

I'm proud to say 108 days into the year & I'm making hella' progress. Still fully committed to my physical goals. I still have a long way to go and not fully at my desired goal, but very proud of how far I've come. As little as it may seem to a bystander (I'm sure I could have done more & gone harder, but my progress is at a speed I'm cool with) it has still been huge progress to me. 

This obviously isn't my only focus this year, but it's one of those goals everyone can notice without you saying a word. It's one of those things where your failure is obvious & success is too. Spiritual, Mental & Financial accomplishments are very private and can't really be noticed or acknowledged. Physical ones though...everyone takes notice, even the ones not trying to notice. So it's definitely an added incentive and/or added pressure to obtain physical goals. 

I haven't been entirely public with my journey (except on snapchat which I use for accountability) until right now, which I'm sharing with the world my journey. I wasn't private on purpose, just didn't entirely need the world for motivation. I finally found the motivation within myself to get it right this time. The cherry on top is the people I've motivated along the way, people that have decided to change things as well, the close friends & family that are now walking the journey with me. They are a constant silent motivation.

I'm embracing the process, it becomes tiresome & unchanging sometimes. I forget what I'm working so hard for, and try to tell myself I'm perfectly fine how I am. WHICH, I am perfectly fine, but if I can achieve better, why not? 

I have to constantly fight the battle of "you're good now, but you wanted otherwise, so work for it".... So I have to fight the urge to beat myself up for not doing good enough, while patting myself on the back for doing great & being okay with where I am, all while maintaining motivation to proceed... see, even saying that was exhausting. 

Luckily the journey has been a successful one & a seemingly smooth one thus far. Celebrating every accomplishment along the way and not quitting...most importantly, NOT QUITTING AT ALL... 

This is a very personal & private journey, one that essentially can only walk on my own, but Just filling you in on the steps I'm taking to reach my own perfection... 

This isn't my first journey, but hope this ones the one that sticks & is ongoing... The one I commit to long term...Hoping for a lot of things to stick this year... 

xoxo

signs the girl getting rid of commitment issues. 

Pick Me

I haven't done any studies on this or anything, But I'm pretttttty sure somewhere out there someone has, and has discovered that as humans we suffer from the "pick me" syndrome. 

The want & desire to be chosen. 

Let's just say I've definitely been there before, in a variety of situations in my life, but probably most prominent in the "love department". 

If you don't know what I mean by "Pick me", well to me it means, you pretty much bend over backwards, juggle flamed torches & smile to make someone see your greatness.

Literally.

Whatever that may mean to you. It varies from person to person & situation to situation, sometimes these aren’t even good qualities that we highlight.

Sometimes you do this without even noticing, you simply put on your best at all times, as if you're auditioning for a role or prancing in a pageant.

Basically, like a peacock in the wild, we spread our tail feathers to be chosen to mate. 

We do our best to get chosen.

I’m usually good at pinpointing when I’m doing this (spreading my tail feathers), when I was younger it would go on for a while. I would do this continuously & consistently (if I really wanted someone). It’s only in the last recent years that I’ve come to terms with the reality that to get chosen you don’t have to do anything at all, at least not try THAT hard.

The reality is, if someone wants you, they will pick you, no matter what you do.

If you’re not the one, you’re not the one, baby girl.

To the wrong person, you’ll never be enough, to the right one you always are.

Recently for the first time in a while I found myself spreading my tail feathers… I looked at my own feathers like…”Really, Estupida?!”… Not because my feathers aren’t the shiznit… but because I was spreading them for the completely wrong individual. One that should have noticed these feathers a long time ago, & clearly has & is un-phased by my awesomeness. & hasn't & WON'T pick me.

So why do it? I should do a study to figure it out, or just figure myself out. Try to understand why I continue to slip up and do something that I know won’t work no matter what I do. They always tell us to be persistent & patient, but they never mean to continue to impress the unimpressed.

Please note my idea of bending over backwards is often quite limited & not to the extent that some may be thinking. I do “a lot”, but not much in comparison to most of the world. But still a lot, in my book.

So…note to self… you’re one hell of a catch and every single one of your feathers is worth it, to the right person. Keep working on yourself, for yourself and fall in love with your every quality… whatever comes from that will come. Whoever doesn’t see your greatness wasn’t meant to. Simple.

Xoxo

Signs the girl that’s always learning