Gamble -ˈɡambəl/- Take risky action in the hope of a desired result
I'm surrounded by gamblers & I always considered myself a gambler of some sort.
I take risk.
sometimes...
I don't settle often.
If something feels uncomfortable or doesn't fit who I am, I make many efforts to change the situation.
Except maybe this time.
The older we get the more we analyze our risky decisions. I find myself calculating the probability times the loss. All these cautious steps is just one more sign of "maturity". Yet it causes an immense discomfort in my carefree soul. It has me trying to fight my own logic. It has me wanting to erase facts and simply go with what I want. I've fallen, quite a few times. I know what it is to be deep in a hole. I also know what it is to get out of it, alive & better. But it seems that the more times I've fallen, & the deeper I've gone, the more weary I am of taking leaps of faith. I don't feel my faith has been tarnished, but It has definitely been shaken.
Nothing feels as uncomfortable as knowing you're not fully doing the things you want simply because of fear. That the fire that burned inside of you has been severed by the realities of everyday life.
I was once a gambler.
In all things, especially the matters of the heart. Found myself doing things on impulse, unbothered by the consequences and who else was effected by my decisions.
NOW.
It matters.
As of late, I've found myself wanting to be that person again, that person that didn't care all that much. That what truly mattered was fulfilling my own desires of the moment, no matter what they might be.
But you can't really back track. You can't ever really go back to that after you've been driving on this road of life.
BUT...
I want to close my eyes & jump...indulge fully & wholeheartedly.
but I'm not sure I know how to use my whole heart anymore.
xoxo
Signs that girl that wants to...
