Work!!

As the baby in a family of 6... being lazy came naturally to me. Not so lazy that I never got a job or moved out of my parents house. But lazy enough that I did just enough to get what I wanted. If it required anything more than that, I didn't necessarily care for it anymore.

Which brings me to my real topic...

When I was single, dating was a lot of work because it just consumed your time, and energy on something that might end after a few weeks or months. You spent time fake getting to know someone, and simply knowing someone in the very surface. I expected a proposal 2.5 weeks into knowing you, needless to say... I hated it, but did it, because not dating wasn't in my plans. But it was very half ass... If I didn't immediately get what I wanted, I stuck around, then moved on to the next mission. I would fall in lust quickly, then move on...(potentially the title of my future memoir.) It would be a whirlwind high of emotions, that required too much for me to continue or bother, or for them to continue or bother. Wrong timing, Wrong people, Wrong everything.

BUT, if anyone had given me a gentle reminder that a relationship is sooo much more work, I would have gladly kept dating. Social media blurs your vision in remembering that an adult relationship requires a lot of your energy, patience, forgiveness, time, effort, flexibility, consistency, emotional strength, did I mention patience? Basically a whole lot of every possible human emotion & ability... things you don't seem to see hashtagged in the captioned "my best friend" posts we see plastered all over the gram...

Let me tell you, if my friendships required ALL THIS effort, I would NOT have this many friends... I only say that because the expectations I set for my friends are far different from what I set in a relationship. 

So basically it's not "effortless", or easy .

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my partner and love sharing a life with him, he has made me learn what it is to selflessly love someone other than myself  (him & my dog, go figure lmao). BUT that's only in some moments of the day, other moments I'm wondering What.The.Real.FUCK. Mostly because it requires more of me than I'm use to giving and often more than I'm willing to give. I feel it's because it's pushed me to do more work than I've absolutely ever been accustomed to. It's because I'm use to doing just enough to get what I want & that technique doesn't seem to work when it comes to maintaining an adult relationship.

& by work what I mean is mostly a lot a lot a lot of mind fucking yourself and adjusting, because you're sharing your life with a whole other human.

Getting lazy gets you no where, and not putting in works, means you just won't make it through.

Not to say I won't get lazy down the line, it's still relatively new, so we're still in the good good phase of our relationship. But the way it's been set up, we kinda "started from the bottom , now we're here" type of relationship, it's been an uphill battle in which every phase we simply get better, stronger and more solid. So, I really can't complain. Hashtag Relationship goals...

we're good. He still hasn't proposed, & it's been more than 2.5 weeks in... & look at me... still here. Impressive...

xoxo
Signs the girl that actually likes this guy even with the work

Plus One...

For the most part a large majority (not all, for those ready to side eye me) of my friends have been in relationships for many many years.. That or they've been in back to back relationships... so generally no one really discussed how much of an adjustment it would be to go from One...to plus one. No one really tells you how many changes you make,  how much you have to adjust for team work. I've clearly been in relationships before, I've dated a whole lot, heck I've even been married... & Still this is coming as a surprise to me.

You don't know how comfortable & seemingly easy it is to be alone, until you aren't anymore. 

Not to say I don't love this experience. Don't get me wrong, my heart can just about burst with how happy I am at the moment. It's been all things, but mostly comforting to find "home". Someone who adds to your day to day and doesn't take from it. Someone to share your most intimate moments with, with things as simple as making dinner or watching a new show together. Or as big as sharing responsibilities and making next step decisions. This hasn't been a walk in the park for us, "We've been through some thanggss"... & now the dust has settled and I pray in gratefulness daily...& we're just getting started in this journey in a sense... This unit that we've formed had a rocky foundation which we are now solidifying and I'm in love with its perfect imperfections. Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to come together.

BUT...

It's one hell of an adjustment when you are so use to making decisions solely for yourself. When; who, what, where, or when are things you don't even consider because its all about YOU, MYSELF & I. For a large chunk of my adult life I didn't even want to report to my boss. It's a whole other ball game these days. Decisions aren't made on the fly, or at least I don't feel they should. Obviously everyone has their own means & methods of making things work for them,  & that's great & beautiful. The way we do things is that we discuss our decisions, because all decisions will essentially effect us at one point or other. It's been one heck of a reality check to learn what team work is again. To adjust to the methods of give & take. To learn to choose your battles, because let's face it you will face PLENTY. That a plus one isn't about the fun brunches & cute photos, it's about the moments where you're wondering if it's even worth it, and somehow are either reminded or have to remind yourself that it is.

I'm not an expert on this, I'm simply learning, adjusting, taking notes as I go. Embracing the moments I craved, with the one human I can tolerate out in these streets. Learning that my plus 1, is meant to be my plus forever and a day, and in order for that to work, I'm going to have to LEARN CONSTANTLY how to grow, adjust and work with this person. That adjusting is not a thing of the beginning, that we adjust 2 years in, 2 months in even 30 years in because as humans we're constantly shifting and growing, that includes our relationships.

Things essentially stop working when we stop adjusting, because things that can't bend, eventually break.

So, I'm learning to bend and appreciating the moments where I see the way he is also bending to accommodate our new lives. So I continue to be grateful for my plus one, while being fully aware, this is NOT EASY, and isn't suppose to be, but it's suppose to feel worth it, and that it does. That we're not picture perfect, but we're working on OUR picture still.

xoxo
signs the girl that found her plus 1.

The Art Of Overthinking...

2019 is 28 days in & already I feel I'm learning a lot... as we all should be, always. 

Life is like one dragged out lesson... 

I'm a fairly open book, not in the sense that I publicly spread my personal news, or that I tell anyone that would listen all my life updates, like the nail technician.... But I do often share my thoughts, experiences , woes, with those closest to me. I enjoy hearing people out, hearing their thought process and how they view things, how they take in information. "What would you do", "how do you see this". Until I realized that my over thinking was often fed & triggered by the thoughts & opinions of the people I was closest to. 

If you know me well, you 

A) know I over think absolutely everything 

B) I've gone to you various times to hear me out

... that is until now... 

I've taken a break on B, which has caused a tremendous influence on A... I've decided to cut back on having people "hear me out", because most people don't know how to be soundboards, it's human nature to give their thoughts & opinions, its absolutely every one's right. But the reality is, most people just want someone to listen to them, not school them, teach them or guide them on things no one really knows how to do "Right". Unlike math lessons, in life 2+2 is not always 4... Not that I don't want to hear your input, more like your input is interfering with my own personal goals, desires, objectives... and that's where we have a problem. Those who care for us tend to give opinions, loaded with judgment and half ass information. 

While yes it is often healthy to hear the thoughts of an outsider looking in... NO it should not trigger such constant discomfort where you are doing things you aren't even sure you want to, based on the thoughts of everyone else. OR even if you aren't taking action based on their words, you create a constant strain in your inner balance. 

The reality is, EVERYONE... is amazing at giving advice, yet NOT so great at following it themselves. It took me 32 years of life to finally accept & realize that everyone does the things they want, while telling you the things that is "Right" to do. & it doesn't work that way, we must always reflect on ourselves and our own situations before we judge others. (which is also why I've taken a break from Judging in 2019, and lord was I judgy, because it's been tough) 

People close to us want to have so much of a say in what we do, so much so that people now take your silence and reservation as if your holding a secret, as if your personal decision is something that HAS to be shared. I guess in their defense it's what people are use to. 

2019 is 28 days in...and for the first time I have a spotless mind... not consumed by over thinking or anxiety on my decisions/choices/ life track... I'm not holding a secret just guarding my thoughts by not letting yours in. No one is doing it right, everyone is just doing it different... so focus on your choices, your problems & your accomplishments... because that's what I'm doing... 

fall back, small pack.. I'm doing me.

xoxo

Signs the girl protecting her choices.