Too Invested...

Please note that whenever I write "as some of you may or may not know"... What I'm really saying is "allow me to reintroduce myself" ::jayz voice::... 

So... as some of you may or my not know I'm an emotional creature. I get overly involved and once I decide to give my energy to something it's full blown straight from the core of me, energy. That type of shit you feel from miles away. The type of shit that takes a little part of me each & every time. Which may explain why when things go awry, I don't fully know what to do with myself. Not right away at least. I'm basically left unaware of what to do with all the energy lost & all the energy I felt I had left to give.

This happens in many areas of my life- be it work, school, hobbies, love, friends... It's like once I make the conscience decision to give myself, I give sooo much. This might sound like it's not a real issue, but it's one of the biggest issues I'll ever have in life. The truth is, most things in life definitely shouldn't have that much of you. Some things in life don't deserve to take parts of you and give nothing in return. It's like investing in stock you know you're going to lose money in & still putting in 75% of your savings... It makes no sense...

BUT...

I continue to do it. I continuously pinpoint places, people, things and decide that I want to invest parts of my soul in it...

& months shy to 30, this soul giving girl...is TIRED...... TIE-Errrd....  It's like I've officially depleted my energy. Like I've officially reached that point where I'm like...nahh Fuck ya...all of ya...every single one of ya... I don't want to hear about your goals, I don't want to know your work problems, I don't want to answer your drunk phone calls, I don't want to hear how your weekend went, I don't want to be your personal comedian, I don't want to pick you up when you're down, I don't want to entertain you when you're down., I don't want to go to every happy hour with you, I don't want to be this hyper active ball of energy, I don't want to hear about your diet plan, I don't want to shop with you, I don't want to GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE....

wuu saa... Excuse the rant.. simply how I'm feeling today. Tomorrow might be a different story. Just know if you're reading this, I mean YOU too..

xoxo
signs the girl sick & tired of being sick & tired...

More Rants about Dating...

Who freaking knew I was no good at this...

Getting along with people was never difficult for me. People gravitate to my energy fairly easily & quickly. I like to keep my energy welcoming and light. Even when I'm quiet people tend to know I'm alright to be around. I'm simply not the type of person that gets lost in the background, People remember I was there and for some reason want me there again the next time. 

You'd think dating would be a breeze for me, that meeting a genuine potential would be easy as pie (clearly whoever made that phrase up never made pie)... turns out dating is as difficult as making pie actually is. 

I get turned off easily, I get attached easily, I overthink, I'm emotionally awkward, I have commitment issues, ::whispers:: I'm a bit tainted (thank you all fuckboys from 2012-2016) .... 

I'm 29.5 years old and I'm not sure how this is really suppose to work... (or at least I'm not like 75% of society that swears they somehow have it all figured out)...

No two experiences are the same, but patterns within yourself do in fact exist. Even so, what didn't work for one person might work for another. It's not always a matter of what you're doing wrong, but simply about a connection not being there. If it didn't work out with one person, it's because it wasn't suppose to work out with that person (I might get this tattooed on me, because when it comes to that I'm the most stubborn creature on earth...because OBVI, if I want something to work out, it has to... because I said so...) 

Any who, that's neither here nor there... 

The truth is... I'm no good at this at all, this whole dating thing. This whole trying to figure out a complete stranger while learning about yourself in the process. This not knowing a person enough to decipher what they might really mean. This beginning awkward stages where you question everything & anything...while trying to put your best foot forward, while still trying to figure out how slowly or quickly to chip down your wall. 

Accepting the "oh shit" moment, that you realize you're actually attempting to let someone else in... and you remember what happened last time you did that................Look how well that turned out.... ::insert psychotic smile:: 

I'm an overthinker by nature, the concept of going with the flow is me paddling like a mad woman either with the current or against it. No in between...

so this is me again... trying to shut myself up... and learning to let go...

because, babygirl.....you have to...

xoxo 

signs the girl trying to date quietly. 

Interview Process... for a date

Sooo I decided to give the online dating world a try, (again). I can't say it's been unsuccessful in the past, I just don't think I ever geniuely gave it an honest try. Being on a site for 1 week, not meeting anyone in person & then deactivating the account, doesn't entirely count as an honest try.

Can't lie this online stuff can be very overwhelming, it's a lot at once, especially if your selfie game is as strong as mine ;) . It's almost like speed dating on crack.

You're basically the CEO of your corporation (your heart) and you're interviewing someone to be the right hand man of your life, with zero experience. Online dating is the equivalent of  posting the position on a job search engine & resumes are coming left and right. The interview process is tedious and has various levels, (everyone has different variations of what these levels are). You meet such a variation of people, some you like instantly and others you instantly don't like. & sometimes you see people that seem like the perfect candidate but that doesn't mean they'll accept the position or offer... Or they do & then quit before their first direct deposit check even hits. It's a lot!

I use to say "I don't date a lot", but I realized I've probably dated more than a lot of people I know. I've been single for well over 3 years now, and not single in the sense that I haven't entertained anyone at all, but, single in the sense that I've had a few misses, nothing official & nothing that has stuck. (well not in the right ways at least) & I'm ready to rest my pimp hat and "settle" down. This isn't the first time I've said this in the last 3 years, If you know me well enough you know every now & again, I sing the same tune... BUT, I'm serious this time. I'm ready for that annoying person who I tell everything to. Someone to take to double dates, someone to actually meet my family & friends... I want alllll of it. Even the bad parts...meeeehh

But, like most things in life, you can't wave your magic wand. It's a process, one that happens naturally & organically regardless how you meet this person.  You can't force anything, especiallllly not this.

But I'm continuing this interview process & seeing where it takes me... one emoji at a time. Stay tuned for future bae...

xoxo
signs the girl who's hiring...