Silver Lining

A good friend once told me never look deep into what men say. That men aren't as multi layered as we are & usually what they say is what they mean (except when they are running game on you, that should be taken with a grain of salt)... Obviously this was advice from a male friend (I've also learned that going to girls to evaluate guys is a dead end street...)

Of course... I never listen. 

Why would I, right? 

In the end of the day , we only know how we function. & the way my feelings are set up... I rarely, if ever, am fully upfront with what I really feel (obviously up to a breaking point , in which I have diarrhea of the mouth & say everything all at once...)

Which gives me the unfortunate ability to ALWAYS look deeper. To always hear the things that aren't be said. To always see things with underlying points B,C & D when it's really just "A" & ONLY "A".
I mean , don't get me wrong, it's not to the extent where I'm disillusion either. I don't see things as fairy tales when they really are nightmares. I just tend to see the silver-lining, even in circumstances I really shouldn't. It's part of my positive nature, I see the good in everyone & everything. Especially when my feelings are involved. Some people always think the worst & I always give it the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think this makes me naive entirely, heck maybe it does, I just prefer not to live a bitter existence where I hold on to negative shit & transfer it to every new circumstance. BUT I'm aware that I should simmer down with the silver line with some situations, a gray cloud is still a gray cloud in the end of the day.

I've always been able to take myself out of my own head & situation and see it from others perspective and that's where I draw my best conclusions. That doesn't mean I follow logic more so than I follow emotion (One would think otherwise, right)...It simply means I'm aware...I am able to call a spade a spade... I just choose not to sometimes. Everyone likes a good BUT, and I tend to add a BUT to most things...

BUT...

Eventually, I get over it, eventually my silver marker runs out... eventually I see the sunlight & prefer it.

eventually... not quite yet though...

xoxo
Signs the girl that loves silver-linings.

Going Public

As you may or may not know... I'm enchanted with social media (as to not call myself obsessed)...  I write blog post, I share Facebook albums & videos, I tweet on a daily, I snap selfies, I post on IG... all in all, I'm in there like swimwear...

I'm also a drunk social butterfly in real life. I make fake new friends, I make real new friends & I frequent meet up with all my friends.
All in all...
I meet people.Often.
& some of them (most of them) make guest appearances on my social media platforms.

Pretty much I'm the director of my own reality TV show & its all publicly on social media.

With that being said. I'm a single girl in the year 2015. It's obviously always a question about posting guys I'm "dating" "talking to" "getting to know" (Reference Blog Post to distinguish what's what: Levels to this ish...Dating" ) There's obviously often a hesitation and a "is it too soon", But I've been known to live by my own rules about most things, including the ones people made up for social media. Luckily for me, I'm constantly surrounded by new faces so it's not always easy to point out. That doesn't mean assumptions aren't constantly made or that people 25% of the time can point out the new "boy" in my life. (except some special ones I keep all to myself ::insert smirk::) 

Obviously most people aren't like me, if any at all. Most people have their privacy settings set on extra high. Some people don't want to share anything at all.

BUT, the real point is...

for the last 3 (or so) years, no one made "the cut" to go public. As per my terms of what going public means...(Going Public to me, means full acknowledgment. It means writing a caption to leave no doubt who this person is, and what they mean to me. It means you know that's BAE)

With that being said...

I'm going public

.................................

lol JK JK, No one quite on that level just yet...

But it leaves you questioning when is it a decent time frame to go public? Seems like there's so many fake rules set up. And as I've learned the concept of "time" absolutely varies from situation to situation, I just recently learned that people move in together within a month of knowing each other 
( a lot of people!)...which makes posting a picture on social media seem like LIGHT WORK. (trust me, I was shocked too)...

The Internet is still fairly new to the world (relative to our existence) and Social media even more so. People are adjusting to this new age, and setting up "norms"...But like most things, society standards & norms are simply structures we create. Essentially you create your own standards & norms...

Soo...Do what you want...Go Public!
BUT...
be prepared for the usual critics...
the judgement that comes along with it...
the unsolicited opinions...

it's life....


xoxo
signs the girl who's always quite public.

Human Nature

Have you ever sat back and observed people?

Not in the creepy, sit a few tables behind them with dark sunglasses, type of way. 

But in the, let me sit back & analyze where this really stems from...type of way.

well, ME...
I think I should have obtained a degree in observing human nature. It fascinates me. To watch what makes people tick... to watch how they react to things ... to watch how involved we become with other people that we often forget to self reflect & look inward at our own actions.

I'm guilty of this, it's a lot easier to look at everything else and every situation and make an analysis. 

Self reflection generates new levels of discomfort that not everyone is ready for. 

For the last 3 years or so, I've been forced to self reflect a whole lot. In moments that I wanted no parts of it. In the end, blaming other people, other circumstances, others actions is just a lot easier. Until you start seeing a cycle...Until you start realizing that in all situations, YOU are the common factor. That's when you should begin to look inward to get to the root of the issue.

UNFORTUNATELY, this is not common. It's a band-aid of sorts to cover an open wound by seeing where everyone else went wrong. It's a psychological defense mechanism to place logic on situations that make zero sense. When we know our actions have no logic, it's easiest to judge everyone elses.

I'm a hopeful believer that eventually everyone has their "Oh, Shit I'm a dumbass" moment. But the truth is not everyone does. Not everyone will. Sometimes in order to stay in toxic situations we HAVE TO lie to ourselves.

But lets get real... Rose colored glasses are filled with cracks... and tears behind them.


xoxo
Signs the girl that threw away her rose color glasses, like most ppl should.

What in the Chapiadora?!

Chapiadora- is a modern day Dominican term used to define a woman who uses her body & looks to get things from men.

In blatant old school terms, a gold digger- opportunist.
In MY terms... modern day prostitution. 

This isn't new to society. I'm quite sure since the beginning of time, plenty of woman lived off men. (This doesn't include stay at home housewives, while they live off a man's income, they raise their children and maintain a household).

It seems like this trend has become a lot of peoples life goals. Almost as if we've backtracked a bit, and we fought for woman's rights simply so we can use men, more so than we ever have before.

I've joked about it quite a few times in my life... "I just want to find a rich old man"... When I know damn well, I'd likely never entertain someone I'm not genuinely interested in, based on convenience. My inner happiness will always come first. 

I'm aware that I probably shouldn't fall in love with the bum in the street corner that doesn't have a job and I'd have to maintain. Love doesn't pay the bills.

BUT.

That doesn't mean I should sit back, not set my own financial goals and simply seek someone that will maintain me. In the end of the day when shit hits the fan, what will I fall back on, if I become accustomed to someone providing for me ALWAYS and someone that doesn't genuinely care about me. What then?!

My mom was a stay at home mother. We saw her raise us and always push us for bigger and better. To this day, her biggest regret in life was that...being "maintained". Her heart was fulfilled for always providing for us, but her soul was unsatisfied. Our accomplishments are clearly all due to her & my father, but I guess nothing is as fulfilling as accomplishing things for yourself.

One of my mothers life lessons was always:

"find a man on your level, but above all someone that respects & loves you"

... As a stubborn teen, I always thought "wth does my level mean, if I love a bum IMMA MARRY A BUM" Then...I grew up & started paying bills... and realized what she meant. She didn't mean marry a guy richer than you to pay your bills, she didn't mean people are below you...she meant marry someone with your same goals...someone that works as hard as you do to obtain luxuries...she meant marry someone on your same page...including in your heart... Never someone that will hold it over our head that they maintain us... she worked too hard for us not to reach the stars on our own...

I never truly understood and for a bit was setting old school standards on my modern lifestyle. I learned partnership is just that... a team working towards the same goal... and I need no one to get me where I want to be... Just good to have someone by your side as you get there...

In the end someone paying your bills will do nothing for you when you're old or sick.  A person that will hold your hand and be by your side through it all, will make all the difference...


XoXo
Signs the girl looking for a teammate, not an owner.

What in the daddy issues!

We all have our set of issues. They stem from all types of things, but a very common source of our underlying "issues", is our childhood. How we were raised, where we are raised, & by whom.. all have a true impact in the adults we become.
Growing up, I obviously thought I had a seemingly picture perfect set up. I had the essentials, 3 older siblings, both my parents (still married & together), a big extended close family.
BASICALLY, I had it all.

Then I grew up.

I realized a lot of things molded me into the dysfunctional, emotional & intimately awkward individual I am today. 

Let's not throw my parents under a bus here. They provided for us the best way they knew how & still do.

BUT...

How they demonstrated love & affection...wasn't exactly..."normal" (whatever normal really means)... we weren't smothered in hugs & kisses. we didn't leave the house or end calls with sweet I love you's... Our artwork did not hang proudly from the fridge.

BUT

We never missed a hot meal, we took plenty of family trips and every penny they had went towards us and our education. (4 college grads later)...

Pretty much, I knew they loved me because they provided me with anything I essentially needed. But was that enough?
... I'm learning, as an adult...that, not always.
That sometimes you do need to say I love you, just as often as you demonstrate it through actions. That everyone wants a warm hug to show that you appreciate their embrace.

The reason I say this, is mostly because 75% of the people I've love the most in my life. Don't.Believe.It. 
In my head, I obviously think they're insane... How can you not believe me? I'm clearly obsessed with you!!
I guess I didn't fully learn how to show it, the way other people are use to. I guess I grew up where hugs weren't the norm. I guess I grew up where love was just understood and not explained. Love just was, and you accepted it. It worked for us, but for people that are new to my life...that doesn't exactly work. My stern face doesn't always say I love you & I never thought it had to. How do you learn to love in a way you're not accustomed to.

The reality is, you don't. We just have to continuously accept the way others love. You have to accept the way they demonstrate differently than you do. You have to love the way someone loves you...and love them back...  & simply do your best to show them...they'll know...eventually.

xoxo
Signs the girl loving the way she knows how

Can't even get a text back...

Us humans are a funny funny species. So many intricate complexities make us who we are. A lot of things make us similar in nature, yet so many attributes distinguish us from each other.

One thing that varies within us as humans is our persistence. Some of us are so insistent in getting the things that we want , be it achievements, physical goals, relationships, life goals... or simply getting someone to pay you any mind.

OR... 

in modern day terms... 

persistent in getting a text back (fooled you into thinking this was a serious post) 

Let's be honest, we've all been ignored at least once. We've all been guilty of "double texting" when someone takes too long. We've all been guilty of saying the first hello, one too many times.
Some of us more often than others... some of us more persistent than others... SOME OF US... never getting the hint.

I admit... I'm quite persistent. when I really really really want to be. When I'm determined to get what I want, I'm in there.
BUT

I also have limits. I guess that's when pride kicks in from time to time & I'm like "Nah, I'm good"... I think everyone should have that moment. That moment when they know maybe they should stop.

Here are some of the moments, when "nah, I'm good" should happen...

• You only get one worded replies. 
• When you only get a weak "lol"
• When you don't get a reply at all
• When you're the one initiating the conversation, ALWAYS. If the person has never said HI first.
• When you're the only one sharing commentary, life facts, updates. 
• When the conversation never goes very far (no exchange of ideas)

Those are usually my guidelines... 

GIVEN, always exceptions to every rule. 

GIVEN, I sometimes have NO CHILL and do what I want anyway...

GIVEN, not every situation is the same...

BUT, GIVEN...you should stop for a second before you send that text and figure out if you should have a "nah, I'm good" moment... 

xoxo-

Signs the girl having a nah, I'm good moment... 

No Hablas Español?!

Let's get one thing straight... I've ALWAYS been boy crazy. I was the girl in Kindergarten checking out my classmates. Having fake boyfriends since...forever... literally.

As you get older your taste changes, you start growing a list of things you like and don't like. The older you get the longer this list gets, the harder it becomes to fully "like" boys... (doesn't change the crazy part, not one bit lol)

When I was 5, "pretty hair" was a priority (can't lie, still on my list lol)...
Now it's obviously grown into a variety of things which I'll leave for another post...
BUT
One thing that has been on my list since Freshman year in High School...is someone speaking Spanish.

At the time, it didn't seem as important, but definitely was there by default. Growing up in Washington Heights, it's rare to find anyone that didn't. Obviously my reasoning has adjusted through the years.

It went from simply being,

• I love Love Love Love...did I mention LOVEEEE anything intimate to be in Spanish... 
• Lyrics, sweet nothings, curse words, inappropriate words ...etc etc etc. It's overall a very romantic language. NEVER call me princess (barf)...but call me PRINCESA and I just might marry you... 

eventually more was added to the list...

• I want my children to be bilingual 
• My family predominantly speaks Spanish & you have to be able to communicate with them
• I'm bilingual and express myself in both languages, OFTEN. 
• If you're Latino/Hispanic... well you should know & I'm judging you if you don't (No, seriously, I am...)

It matters to me, more than I ever thought it would. I always knew it was on my list... but it was only after intimately encountering individuals that didn't speak Spanish that I realized how important it is to me. How much of a difference it makes in how I express myself. 

Not to say this is a deal breaker, I've learned the universe likes to teach lessons, OFTEN. So I can't sit here and say it will never happen...just saying... it will be hella' difficult...

xoxo

-signs the girl that loves in spanish. 

Romance

I didn't realize how influenced our (or for the sake of not having to argue with anyone), my concept of romance was. It's like we are fully aware of what ACTUALLY makes our hearts skip a beat, but resort to the norms of society to set the standards.

A minor example: I could care less if a guy opens a door for me, but obviously society tells you it should be expected, therefore I expect it...knowing damn well, I don't really care for it.

Of course that's simply a minor example, but it applies to a variety of things.

I feel I know the things that make my eyes glisten, the words that capture my heart, the actions that make my heart warm. I'm well aware what romance means to me, but we're often so washed by society that I feel I'm setting my romantic standards too low in comparison. I feel that I should be setting expectations that mean nothing to me, because that's the way things "should be".
I'm simple
I'm often easily amused and pleased.
My complexities go beyond that of what type of restaurant he takes me to, or how often we go out. I don't want to create dating timelines & milestones based on the ideas others have said... "work".

We try to mold people into perfect boxes of what we think things should be, meanwhile being unsure if these molds were created by our own hearts or based on what we see around us.

maybe I've set a distorted reality... maybe I prefer the guy that doesn't open doors, but opens his heart... maybe I prefer the guy that takes his time to fall in love quietly, than the one that post it all over social media instantly... maybe I prefer the guy that brings me fried chicken & beer to my doorstep, than taking me to rooftop bars with champagne bottles...

I think I molded my expectations through the years based on what everyone else said mattered...forgetting the things that matter to me...

xoxo..
signs the girl thats doing the shit she "shouldn't be"...

Guy Friends...

I feel like I've been blessed and cursed.
I'm surrounded by a lot of amazing, established, well put together individuals. (Ok, fine, maybe they're all fucked up in the head, but still good people)...

Unfortunately for my future husband (where ever he might be)...
a lot of my friends...
are
males...

NO!, I'm not one of those people that says "I get along better with guys", because the reality is, I get along with guys & girls alike. I just happen to hang out with a lot of guys, probably (pretty much matter of fact) because I have the mouth & liver of a sailor, and have the humor of a teenage boy, & at 29 years old not many of my girls are willing & able to go bar hopping, but that's neither here nor there.

So, why do I bring this up. Well, because it's obviously an issue when dating. Guys don't have a problem with it, until they have a problem with it. No one obviously wants to see their love interest surrounded by bulky guys chugging bear, all smiles, laughs, insiders and inappropriate jokes. OF COURSE, I'm well aware of this... But it's become "difficult" to set these boundaries. It's difficult to fathom the fact that I may in fact have to distance myself from all the boys I love the most... for possibly the one guy I'll give all my love to.

I wonder if when I meet this guy, it will be an automatic reaction to do so, or if it will take me a while to set these boundaries, or If by the time I meet him all my guy friends will be grandpa's and not even hanging with me lol...

These are obvious concerns that have been brought up in the past...rightfully so. I'm not saying I don't know where it's coming from, I'm just saying... I wish things were a little different. I wish I could wholeheartedly keep & love my friends as is, while establishing a healthy long term relationship with someone.

These aren't just guys I drink with from time to time, these are guys that have seen me at my worst, have seen me broken, have held me up, guys I talk to almost on a daily basis, because they are in fact my friends. (If you don't know about friendships, then maybe this is difficult to grasp)... But I love my guy friends, the way girl friends love their girls ( I love my girls too, don't need them getting upset over this either)...

But my guys are my guys... and I just want things to work...
Who knew being one of the guys would mean essentially I wouldn't have a guy...

meh..

XoXO
Signs the girl that thinks too much...

Dr. Frankenstein

I really hope I'm not the only person that has considered being Dr.Frankenstein and building the "perfect" individual. Not physically, but all the compartments that makes a person whole. If I could take all the pieces of all the people from my past and build a whole new one. Life would be golden...

Do I sound insane yet? Or have other people thought of this before. Essentially I have deeply cared for everyone that I've ever been with. All of them obviously being amazing individuals as they are, but clearly missing "parts" that didn't align with my energy. They were all so good, that I would want to build a person with parts of all of them. 

Again do I sound crazy yet?... 

I guess I've always been able to see the good in everyone, so in everyone I see the parts that I truly admire. Parts of them that I wouldn't mind finding in other people. 

I'm sure some of these very individuals are reading this now, wondering what the heck I even mean. 

What I mean is... everyone has good...everyone has potential... everyone has something to offer. 

BUT not everyone has all the things you're looking for. not everyone meets you at the right time of your life where who they are matches where you are emotionally. not everyone embodies the individual you see yourself committing to. not everyone's the one. 

As I'm sure there are parts of me that can be altered, adjusted...changed. 

But like Dr.Frankenstein, I wish I could build this person, creating them with the parts of anyone & everyone I ever loved... 

Or maybe one day I'll just meet this person...

xoxo

-Signs the loca in me... 

Scatter Brain

For a little over ten years now, I've used the term "Thought Bubbles"...
It's what I say when my thoughts are scattered.
It's what I say when my emotions & thoughts don't exactly align.
It's what I say when I can't entirely put my thoughts into words.

It's where I am right now. In a place where I've started to write 5 post and haven't finished any, because as soon as I start, so many other thoughts come rushing in. It's what happens to me when I'm trying to put things into perspective. It's what happens when I'm trying to reflect on a certain situation or a couple all at once.

So, yes... I'm currently reflecting. Trying to figure out what I want. What I don't want. What I "should want".... & essentially all the things I should let go of.

I like to self reflect a lot (bare with me, as my thoughts jump from one concept to the next)... I like to figure out all the things within myself that could adjust or requires minor tune ups. I like to see what within myself could possibly change things, alter outcomes or adjust future situations. But sometimes... from time to time... my brain is all over the place and I can't get a hold of what's what.

One of the major downfalls of my thought bubble moments is my mood & energy. It's altered to a fault. I give off weird vibes and typically to the wrong people. I become short tempered. I snap at the most insignificant things. Mostly because deep down nothing is aligned so anything adding to that feels like things are seemingly falling apart.

Not to say I'm falling apart.
Nothing at all is happening to that extent. I'm in a good place right now, a completely good place.

But my thoughts are still scattered...
I still need to figure myself out...
& that still causes a discomfort too difficult to explain.

Most times when I'm faced with this predicament I shake my head at myself due to the insignificance of my situations. How I find myself wallowing in the 2 ft mellow drama, letting it effect me. Letting it create thought bubbles... letting it scatter my thoughts...

But this is me... & this is how I deal...

xoxo
Signs the girl trying to make sense of her thought bubbles.

Levels to this ish...Dating.

I sorta' did things a bit different in my life, backwards in a sense.
At 21 I was married... At 27 I started dating lol. So I'm fairly new to the scene, learning every day just a bit more.

One of the things I'm slowly learning is that there's legit levels to this ish. More than I ever thought. Growing up it was like 2 levels. I like you-- Girl/boyfriend. As an adult apparently there's a few in betweens and a few titles you can hold.

Some of the levels I've encountered:

• Just Friends- one person totally likes the other, but only a friendship comes from it. 
• Friends with benefits- Self explanatory. A "friend" that you have an intimate relationship with no real intention to go any further. 
• Chillin'- You go out, meet friends, go on dates are intimate, but you're doing exactly that, Just "chilling". This sometimes leads to dating but often stays at chillin' levels. 
• Messing- You aren't friends and you don't go out together, it's strictly sexual
• Side Boo- You're the other girl/boy, within this category there's also levels, but your main title is simply a side boo.
• Fake Boo- You do all the things you would if you were official/dating but essentially hold no title 
• Dating- You go out, meet friends,are intimate and are courting to take it to the next level of becoming official eventually (no set time frame, it varies)
• Official Girlfriend/Boyfriend- & finally you become official. Both agree on a monogamous relationship and try to build some sort of foundation & future together. 

Disclaimer: The only one that claims monogamy is Official. 

WHO.FREAKING.KNEW. 

Call me NAIVE, but here I thought I was dating everyone, when apparently there's levels on levels on levels to this. 

Obviously all of these could eventually lead to a relationship because not every story is the same, BUT chances are once you reach a certain level, that's where you'll likely stay. 

Initially I was mind blown, I went from holding the highest title you could in a bond between two people, to being bullshit. Literally, At least that's how it felt. It took some adjusting on my end. Adjusting to not setting husband expectations on a bunch of non-husbands, heck non-boyfriends, heck "ain't nothing to me".

I'm still adjusting, Still haven't fully taken a hold of the wheel, But I think I'm getting it. I think I can call it as I see it early on, now. Still learning though... 

Let's see what level I encounter next...

xoxo

-Signs the girl that is constantly growing. 

Lessons- 28

Here I sit about to turn another year older... another year "wiser"...
Oh 28, how sweet you have been. I'm about to embark in the last year of my 20's...
& As I do every year, I reflect on the last 28.

But let's focus a little on the last year and the lessons I have learned in 12 short months...

1. 30 isn't quite as scary as it was last year. (weird how that works, at 27 I almost cried about it, this year I'm embracing it)
2. Scars are not permanent fixtures in our souls, time does in fact heal everything (look at you smile baby girl)
3. You can & will in fact like boys the same way you did as a teen, age & experience won't change that, if you don't let it. (Who knew you could still feel butterflies)
4. Confidence does in fact grow with age, that or you really just give less f**ks (I've never felt this amazing) '
5. You really never stop learning. Except this time around you start taking notes and reflecting on it. (To avoid repeated lessons... lets just say I failed a few life classes)
6. Even at 28 you'll meet new people in your life that you want to keep for a long time. (you always think you'll eventually stop making new soulmates, but you don't)
7. Most people don't have their shit fully together, so stop panicking if you're not where you thought you should be. Because there's no such thing. (Live in the moment)
8. It's ok not to reach out to people 24/7, show your love & keep it moving. let people reach out to you (still working on it)
9. Closing chapters & books isn't as scary as you thought. Endings can be quite sweet. (closed a lot of chapters this year) 
10. The universe always gives you what you ask for, so be careful what you wish for...(Practicing my wishing skills)
11. Don't let anyone tell you you're old. You're not quite a teenager, but you're not over the hill either. Not sure when 20's/30's started being "old". (at 40 I'll laugh at myself for thinking 29 was old) 

Thank you 28... & hello 29, I'm ready for you...

xoxo

Signs the girl that is ready.