Farewell & Hello

Here comes the new year...

There's always such an exhilarating feeling in the air as the new year approaches. It's so promising and full of hope. Almost as if we all get an extra boost of confidence in believing we can accomplish things we set out to. As if we have a blank canvas to start a new masterpiece on. As if it were not just a regular day or continuation of our mundane normalcy & routine.

It's an amazing feeling & I'm a believer of it. Not everyone gets this feeling constantly, so why take that away from them at this very moment.

Farewell to the old, Hello to the new...

I'm grateful for 2015. While it had its own mix of adventures and lessons learned (refer to my previous post).

It was very....normal...

Normal in the sense that it didn't tear me down, it didn't build me it, but it did something for me that the previous years haven't offered. It offered stability. It offered a feeling of normal, it offered a center I so yearned for in the last few years.

While I'm appreciative of it, I am ready for changes. I am ready to take some risk again, to take steps towards the things I wish to accomplish. But, I needed "normal" for a bit, and I got exactly that. I needed to firmly place my feet on solid grounds, right after I dug myself out the dirt. It's a good feeling. A good feeling to be here...

Here, with this blank canvas... with the ability to start a new masterpiece...

Me.

xoxo
signs the girl ready to paint the colors of my future...

Lessons Learned & other things... 2015 Edition

Like most people in the world, years end & a new year makes me very reflective. I like to recap my entire year and acknowledge all the things that made the year what it was.

As fast as the year goes & as uneventful as it may essentially feel, a lot happens in 

1 year- 12 months- 52 weeks- 365 days, 

but it's only fully grasped when we reflect on it. 

So, here is a miscellaneous list of my:

lessons learned 

(& other things)

2015 edition.  

(In no particular order, and be happy I'm not using any names).

1. Once you close a chapter, keep it closed, reopening a door won't change things. 
2. Mercury Retrograde is one REAL ASS MOTHERFUCKER.
3. Stop entertaining younger guys, you might be a fun 21 year old at heart, but you have experience way beyond your years...don't do it to yourself.
4. You can and are ready to live alone. It's not as bad as it seemed before, and turns out you enjoy your own company & solitude. 
5. You have commitment issues... work on those baby girl. 
6. Don't force anything! The people that want to be in your life... will be, no matter what you do. 
7. Some people don't have the best intentions for you, and their reason for keeping you around is selfish... don't let anyone use your energy that way. 
8. Just because they are reaching out for time to time, doesn't mean they care, some people like their ego stroked. 
9. If it doesn't feel right...it isn't. 
10. You know when your heart is fully in it, you're playing yourself if you think otherwise. 
11. Don't believe everything someone you care about says... people lie, everyone lies, it's what people do. 
12. People could have a laundry list of dumb shit they've done, but won't hesitate to judge you on your decisions, don't pay mind to them
13. Social media is a platform for oversharing, yet sharing a bunch of fake shit, don't believe the hype
14. People read your twitter, even those people NOT following you, know that & be cautious with what you're putting out there. 
15. Your positive energy is very solicited. So know that people that walk away, usually come back... don't always let them.
16. If he likes you, he'll be with you. If he's not with you, he doesn't like you. Simple. 
17. Stop expecting girlfriend treatment, if you're not the girlfriend. 
18. He will always pick his girlfriend.
19. Online dating isn't for everyone. 
20. You are capable of swallowing your pride in the work place, look at you growing up! 
21. Not everyone is your friend! 
22. Travel more, the finances will figure itself out...
23. You need to work out more, your inconsistency made you fat. 
24. Stop complaining about people stalking/creeping on you, if you're doing the same shit. 
25. Get over your Colombian phase. They are nothing but trouble. 
26. Stop being so friendly, people misread the signs. 

I'm sure I missed a few million lessons, but those were the highlights... Those are the things I'm taking with me and avoiding this new year. I'm excited for the changes to come and the new beginnings. 

I've learned throughout my 29 years of life, that new beginnings are always a blessing... and endings are too. 

So cheers to 2016, good riddance to 2015 (you weren't bad at all)... 

A few months away from 30... this will be a good year...

xoxo

signs the girl ready for the changes to come... 

Forever ever...

I was asked yesterday if I still believed in "forevers"... 

As simple as the question may seem, it's complexities are many, and I have layers and layers of answers to that question... But my reply was as simple as this...

"forever" requires a patience and some sense of complacency, that not everyone is equipped with.

Am I equipped with these two very things that make forever possible? Do I have the patience that is required for a long term partnership, or the perfect amount of complacency in me to be ok with who I've chosen...forever.

That's the part that I can't quite answer just yet. I don't know what it is to be complacent. The minute something becomes uncomfortable for me, I look for ways to change it. I'm a believer that when something isn't working out for you, you strategize in doing something that will. All things that might not seem like bad things, until you're discussing a forever with someone.

Relationships will get uncomfortable and certain things you can not change... It won't always feel right... it won't always make sense... it won't always make you feel brand new... It won't always be exactly what you want. All things that require your patience... & requires your ability to become numb to the situation.... it requires you to stick to the decision you made initially to a forever.

So I don't know if I believe in forever anymore. I'm not sure if I have the blinding ability to believe that I have what it takes to go through life jumping every hurdle required to survive a forever.

& maybe I could... but I guess I'm not sure if I want to.

for now I'll enjoy the luxuries of "temporary forevers"... because every memory...every moment in life is a forever that you will carry with you... and I'm ok with that. I'm ok with the forevers that don't make it, ever.

xoxo

signs the girl evaluating forever...

Hopeful

I'm currently watching a novela in which something was said that triggered a few thoughts (you'd be surprised the quotes you can get out of a good novela). What was said was, that often, dreams feed our souls more than money ever will. That hopes are what keep us alive and moving forward, that without them we lose a spark within us.

I can honestly say, I agree.

I'm not sure if to call myself hopeful, a dreamer, or naive, but I continuously believe that things will always somehow work the way I've intended them to. I remain positive that certain things will somehow unravel exactly how I wanted them to.

either I'm a true dreamer... or a masochist of sorts

You see, part of being a dreamer is my blinding ability to look at the good in everyone. The hopeful heart to see the positive in all situations...the small amount of hope that remains even in the most hopeless of situations...

Osea, cuando me conviene. 

I'm not exactly a nitwit (trust me, I play the role well, but in order to make the decisions I make, I must play the part). I'm more than aware of the things that occur around me. I often choose to see what I want to see instead of what is actually standing right in front of me. Its a matter of convenience, its a matter of keeping hope alive and the only way to accomplish that is turning a blind eye. This blind eye often disguising itself as hope.

Which leaves me wondering... are dreams really what feeds our souls? Does hope fill us with emptiness instead of truly completing us. Are these false expectations of how things are suppose to turn out essentially hurting us in the long run?...

Its not that I sit here and think of fairy-tales and happy endings...  Its not that I only see things how I want to see them...

Its that sometimes, from time to time...you wish for once things would turn out the way you wanted them to.

But in the end, hope, dreams, wishful thinking...often leaves us in situations & circumstances we shouldn't be in. Hope leaves us battered & beat....hope is not always our friend, but our worst enemy...

so I leave you with this...

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.--Friedrich Nietzsche

xoxo
signs the girl that dreams from time to time...

So, What are we?

If you've been in a relationship for over 7 years , & you're under 30 yrs old, chances are you aren't fully aware of the infamous "talk".

The point, where clarification is needed on where you stand with a person, once you've dated/messed around/ are "talking", for a certain amount of time.

(please note the amount of time varies in every situation, some people feel it necessary immediately, others take their time in deciding when.) 

The often uncomfortable "so, what are we" talk.

See, the truth is, this conversation is only uncomfortable when two people aren't exactly on the same page. When it's required for one person to move faster or slower than they originally intended to. It's an issue only when one person wants more than the other person is offering. It's an issue when one person is taking the "relationship" (I call all interaction with another human, some form of relationship) here and the other person is taking it there. It's uncomfortable when intentions are blurry and need to be cleared with this very conversation...

Sometimes the stars are aligned and two people are on the same page, and this discussion isn't even necessary. Other times it's literally the defining moment in a relationship. It's the conversation which determines where you should take it from there. It's a conversation some people avoid as long as they could, it's a conversation that sometimes doesn't even need to be had, because time determined what exactly you are.

I've learned, from my personal experience, that this defining conversation is detrimental to bonds that are not solid, bonds, binded together by hesitation and  doubt. That's when the "what are we" becomes a clear sign of what you aren't.

I do not think things need to be black and white. I don't see much wrong with grey areas. I do think where you stand should be determined solely by what you want and not what someone else is deciding for you.

If, "what are we" ends up being "not in the same place"... maybe that's the moment you should go find a "we" that isn't so undefined. Once you have to interpret the complexities of a situation, chances are it's too complicated for you to still be dealing with it...

so know what you are...and what you're not.

xoxo
signs the girl that knows where she stands...(sometimes, or maybe not at all)

Layers on layers on layers....

We often, 

admire; observe; judge; comment; idolize; envy; take note,

of the relationships around us, be it friendships, romantic relationships or family interactions. We either go based on what we see, what we hear or what you post. Other times we go solely on information shared with us.

No matter how much we mind our own business & stay in our lane, a tiny centimeter inside us forms opinion about other people, be it good or bad.

Thanks to social media our life audience has grown and we definitely have expanded our so-call knowledge on certain relationships.

It's almost as if we forget that there's so many layers in ever single relationship,
As if we forget, that in order to fully understand it, and grasp it's meaning we would have to be in it.
As if we forget, that in our own stories, we often leave out plenty of details that would change perspectives, not on purpose but simply because no one ever does a full play by play, it's impossible & quite boring.

We also forget that every time we give someone a snippet into our relationships, we also give them incomplete backlog of information to use moving forward. Essentially, you morph the opinions people form on your relationship (aside from people that are constantly with you &  form opinions off observation, & even so, it's a snippet of those moments) ... You share information and based on how you share it and with who , you're having them develop an opinion, even when they don't care or want to. Their advice will essentially be based on all the things you told them, so if you have nothing but good things to tell them they won't know how to help, same goes if you have only bad hings to say.

We have to be cautious with what we share and cautious with how seriously we take the things people are telling us. People will not understand your happiness if you only share the bad, People will not understand your sadness if you only share the good. So never expect anyone to understand...

So next time you're 

admiring; observing; judging; commenting; idolizing; envying; taking note,

Remember... you only know a snippet, so you might be completely off in your conclusion... Not understanding the many layers of every person and situation makes your thoughts on it inconclusive. 

xoxo

signs the girl acknowledging layers 

The 1st of the month...

I'm a young gal of 29 years old ::giggle::, which means a lot of things...but for the sake of this post,.One of the main things it means is that I'm surrounded by people that are in a lot of different places in their lives...

• Friends with babies
• Single Moms
• Married Friends
• Friends that are divorced
• Engaged friends
• Single friends
• Friends that think they're 21
• Friends that think they're 45
• Friends making a lot of money
• Friends that don't make enough
• Friends that still live at home
• Friends with roommates
• Friends that own homes
• Friends that have moved several times
• Friends that leave the state
• Friends that leave the city

The older we get, (& obviously if you maintain as many friendships as I do,) the more gaps are created with where people are in life relative to you. These things will continue to vary as the years progress, these very things are what makes it difficult to maintain certain friendships. Solely because, the things you use to have in common are things from back when you were seemingly on the same boat. Since then, you have gone off to different shores, often unable to relate. 

I make a conscience effort to maintain my friendships despite all these differences, I like to focus on the small things that are relate-able, common grounds, at least for as long as I could. 

One of the common differences , are between those that pay rent/mortgages VS those that don't. Those that know the realities of paying for where you live. The people that know the struggles of having to budget your whole life around that particular lump sum (among others cost that go around living on your own)... 

& for the sake of argument please save me the "I give my mom money" ::eye roll:: , LUCKILY my friends have all been blessed with parents that would give them the shirt on their back. So, no, that doesn't count, because I know you'll still have a roof over your head if you had no income. (I'm sure I'm fluffing a few feathers right now, sorry not all that sorry) 

Obviously not saying one is better than the other, everyone does what the want in their lives & if isn't effecting me directly, then I don't care all that much. && obviously where you live doesn't alter our friendship really. 

BUT it's a difference, which I have noticed changes lifestyles, it's an experience which can't be discussed or taught, until lived through. 

So for the sake of argument... let's have this argument when you experience your first , first of the month... otherwise don't tell me we're on the same boat. 

xoxo

Signs the girl seeing the difference

The List

It's almost a new universal rule to speak things into existence. To write things down so they become a reality. To become aware of the things you want and seek them by noting exactly what those things are.

I've been making vision boards for the last 4 years or so. Every December/January I gather with my sisters and we print out quotes & images of what we want for the year. A 'Vision Board' of all the things we wish to accomplish that year. We are goal setters and dreamers. As long as I could remember our parents have pushed us to be GOAL-diggers, to be independent women that strive for further more than mediocre. To not be complacent with mundane every day things. To believe in ourselves to know to strive for more than the ordinary...  (I've been on complete standstill & pause with this part of my life for the last few years... but that's a discussion for another post...)

One thing our parents didn't discuss much or teach us... was what to look for in a partner. They were so busy raising us as "men" (we learned to be domestic by example, but were consistently told that this was not our role in life). So they skipped on the lessons of mating. I guess they figured life would teach us that part. They somehow thought if they taught us to consistently strive for success that it was only natural that we would pick seemingly "perfect" mates...

let's just say... that didn't necessarily happen...

So for the first time in my existence I looked past the "I just want to fall in love the minute I see him" & the concept that it will just happen, get past my upbringing that partners aren't "goals", and finally wrote down all the things I want in a partner. The same way I write down the many things I want out of life.

The list flowed naturally, I wrote even the smallest details of what I want and it turns out my list is pretty simple, I do not think my expectations are far fetch. I am not asking for more than I am willing to offer. I want basic things that somehow still seem obsolete in modern day society. Of course, I'm aware that I might not find someone that matches every single line item, & I'm aware that some things hold a lot more weight than others. & I'm also aware that I might fall in love with someone that doesn't fully match what I'm looking for.

BUT... I'm now aware, that if I don't know what I'm looking for, I'll continuously find people I'm not looking for. That what I want, need & seek should all be aligned. That I should add it to my vision board this year if that's what I actually want...

& While I'm at it, get back to my other goals in life, I've been playing around a lot these past few years...but the clocks ticking & I'm ready for better... So I'm doing better... Now I have that list completed & I could put it aside let the universe happen. I can get back to working on myself and what I need to do to reach greatness.... the rest will follow. No more aimless focus... no more useless "bae goals"...

simply LIFE GOALS...

xoxo
Signs the girl that's ready.

Shut Up, Eliz!

Soo... It's a recurring theme in my life to encounter people that think I need to be shaken up a bit. That somehow I need a constant clap back battle to be satisfied. That in order to be in a successful partnership I need someone to tell me to shut up from time to time...

hummm....

The reality is, I am a tough cookie by nature. Not sure what exactly made me this way ( I guess I can think of 3-10 things). My humor and sarcasm can be misunderstood and if you don't know me well enough, or long enough, it's not always taken lightly. Eventually everyone realizes I'm a teddy bear so they disregard all the jabs I throw, but it takes some time. It takes a few interactions, it takes you having a quick tongue right back. People seem to get past it, because I'm a sweetheart essentially and once you get past the remarks, you realize I'm a good ol' time... (reference sourpatch post)

Either everyone gets over it, they have developed tough skin OR, I've become completely oblivious to anyone else feelings (wouldn't be a first). I mean, I don't make people cry or anything (well, I guess there has been a few incidents).

But I have my moments.

My intention is never to be mean, or to come out of pocket. It's simply how my humor is set up, I tend to forget not everyone finds what I have to say funny. Not everyone knows me enough, to know that the easiest way to interact with me is to either ignore me, or give it right back to me. That I shouldn't be taken too seriously 45% of the time.

I'm not a snappy Latina, that's always rolling her eyes...BUT, sometimes I could be that, I could match the stereotype, be it at work, with family, friends & men. Some remarks I just can't physically hold in, the things some people do & say just need to be commented on...

I guess I do need to be shaken up... maybe I do need someone to tell me to shut up... maybe I do need to shut up. ...

xoxo
-Signs the girl that needs to zip it, lock it, put it in her pocket (sometimes).

Sour Patch Kid

You may or may have not heard of the sour patch kids reference.

"First they're sour, then they're sweet"

In a nutshell, if I had one phrase that can fully describe me...that would be it. My ability to go from savage to cuddly rabbit is unmatched.

It's mostly because I suffer from "instant regret"...
I will verbally beat you to a pulp (I never get physical, EVER),
I will do whatever the F I want unconcerned with who it's effecting
I will follow my heart without a care of the repercussions.

only later to feel the regret in the pits of my soul & do everything in my ability to "fix" it or make it better...

Like a sour path kid...first I'm sour, then I'm sweet.

Not everyone could handle the bitter sweetness of me. BUT, (unfortunately or fortunately) people seem to gravitate towards my sweet ways, enough that they endure the sour to a certain capacity. Everyone learns to deal with it, which is why I never really changed. People cater to my unruly ways more than I'm willing to admit. I guess I'm cool or something

BUT...

Since I'm no longer 15, I want to change for myself.  I want to react a little slower, be a little less impulsive, halt my "no fucks given" train. Re-activate my chill button. because let's face it... if you know me, you know I am none of the above currently.

When I get something in my head, nothing could really stop me from fully executing, even if immediately after I do everything to retract. but once it's done, it's done...

So I'm working on it. Building up the sweet side, toning down the sour... because let's face it, one day I'm going to get beat. :)

xoxo
-Signs the sour patch kid.

Who's Texting us?

If evaluated, I'm sure I'd be diagnosed with having an unhealthy obsession with my phone. From the excessive usage of various social media platforms, to the over capacity of group chats, to plain ol' face-timing and texting people 24/7...

I live with my phone, eat with it, sleep with it, commute with it, work with it... I'm basically in a partnership with it.

Therefore someone using my phone is a very touchy situation, giving someone my pass-code is a milestone...

If I've given it to you before, chances are I changed it soon after. 

Not that I have an excessive amount of top secret information, or a large array of things I'm hiding... it's simply that if my phone could talk, it will basically reveal all the secrets of my soul...

so yes, maybe I do have an excessive amount of top secret information, or possibly a large array of things I'm hiding... BUT, that's my prerogative.  The thought of someone reading all my emails, all my text messages, all my notes, seeing all my pictures, viewing my online search history... makes me a little uncomfortable.

Therefore... the thought of going through someones phone isn't really on the top of things I do... YES I have a creep eye problem AKA I will ALWAYS look over to your phone while you're texting to see "who's texting us", NO matter what type of relationship we have (meaning even if you're a stranger on the train, I'm looking)...

But the reality is, no matter whose phone you look through...you're going to find something that might bother you, even if it's just people commenting about you in a group chat...
and other times, you're REALLY going to see things you won't like,
like someone texting someone they told you they weren't texting anymore ( I dare you to go check...jk jk). The reality of it is, we all have a personal relationship with our phones... we're not necessarily hiding anything, but maybe the way we talk to someone won't be fully understood (okay, or maybe you shouldn't be texting that person that way...)

Someone giving you their passcode is a BIG DEAL these days, like one step closer to marriage proposal. I know my phone etiquette can cater to insecurities, because I won't share, even if I'm just taking buzzfeed surveys...

all in all, Don't look for shit you don't really want to find... there will always be something that's going to bother you no matter how innocent...

so next time you ask Who's texting us? Remember Jose Rodriguez might be Janet Sanchez so asking won't change shit...

xoxo
signs the girl that just made you want to look through someones phone...

Stop Blaming Her...

She's lame, fat , ugly , has no style, 

She's wack ... 

Just some of the initial reactions of women when they see that their lover, ex, eye candy, side ninja, crush, or "friend"... starts dating (or cheated on you with, left you for, picked over you) another girl. (even when you don't even care for the guy)

As if...the girl is to blame,
As if... she's the one that owed you something, or did something to you. (Even if she's a side chic that knew about you, she owes you nothing, she simply doesn't respect you, but he sure doesn't either...but yeah, as women we should unite, yada yada yada :::insert all that other stuff you'd prefer I say instead:::)

It's an almost automatic reaction to bash the new girl, somehow making her the one to blame for everything. When most of the time we know nothing about the girl, except the bits and pieces we find out through social media stalking, or old school word of mouth.
As if... we all entered some contest and she won and you're discrediting her for her "achievement". As if...you're doing it to boost your own self esteem, because let's face it, you didn't "win", you weren't "picked"... She was.

So why do we do it? Trust me, I do it all the time, until I catch myself. Until I realize it's never a contest, and 95% of the time, the "prize" ain't worth a nickle. But we do it anyway. We continuously nitpick the next girl, call her a downgrade, jot down all the ways you're better,

As if... that makes a difference..
As if...you're reassuring yourself that you were the better pick.

As if... you were being drafted for the NBA & she got the team & contract you wanted.

Reality is... SHE DIDN'T...
this wasn't your season, or your team, or your contract. Maybe she offered something to the team you didn't... NO, matter of fact is that she offered something to the team that you didn't. Not that she's better, just different...

Stop questioning yourself, stop trying to figure it out. There's no one to blame, not you, not her, not him... It's a question that has no answer. It's something that can not be explained.

So stop blaming her.

xoxo
signs the girl that is to blame, was to blame, will be to blame, has been blamed or blaming...
HER...

I think it, therefore it happens...

The universe & our thoughts, are quite the powerful force. So much so, we speak things into existence.

I've experienced this first hand. The power of throwing things out to the universe, then receiving it. (Even the bad.) I can't help but to chuckle, when I realize

"Ohh..., this is exactly what I asked for and/or wanted... so why you mad, bruh??"... 

Like most humans, I then complain about it, highlight all the things that are wrong with it, or all the reasons why it's NOT what I wanted. When...it's exactly what I said I did. Who knew, that after all this self reflection I would be so out of touch with what I really need in my life. OR I know exactly what I should be wanting and go with everything else instead. (Or I'm stubborn and never want to fully accept the good)

Not that I'm going around making bad decisions left & right, or making impulsive life changing choices. In fact, I avoid making those these days. I went through a phase, it lasted about 10 years or so (light work), in which my coin phrase was "I DO WHAT I WANT" & I did, in fact, do every single thing I wanted with no regard to the consequences... It was a mix of immaturity, with a dab of entitlement and a sprinkle of no fucks given.

It was only after, that I realized, the problem was not only the decisions I was making but also everything I was requesting from the universe. (Literally I'd pick all the things on the "universe menu" that would make me throw up)...

I'm finally being cautious not only with my actions, but my desires as well. A work in progress always, but something I'm taking very serious. My thoughts are hella' powerful (so are yours). I keep mentally connecting with a lot of the wrong energy & it's doing nothing for me. So I'm working with accepting the things I've wanted, while embracing those I thought I didn't...but need...

BUT, like always... ask me again next week...

xoxo
Signs the girl being mindful of her thoughts...

Balancing Energy...

I use to argue with my mom about this...

About her unavoidable ability to let everyone into her heart with open arms.
Her ability to embrace everyone and make them feel right at home within her presence.
Her unique way of making anyone and everyone feel like they belonged and held a special place within her heart...

Because they did...
They all some how did. 

Use to argue with her because it took a toll on her, every ones pain became hers, every ones struggle was now hers...
it's impossible for one heart to take that all in.

As humans we are barely able to withstand our own burdens, much less the ability to carry every ones cross on our back... 

then, I realized I became her.

sharing my heart & energy to it's fullest capacity, giving the most of me in all directions. Even in places it was clear I shouldn't. Even in instances where it would take a toll on me, even in instances where I knew I would end up losing...

I take everyone in...

Once you have merely caressed the surface of my heart, the warmth of it will engulf you. 

It's a force greater than me, my inability to fully turn my back on anyone. My want & desire to close people out, to take several step backs and care from a distance.

I've been working on it. But my energy is so immense that dimming the light for my own sake is immediately noticed. That lowering the window feels like I'm shutting the door...
But I'm not..

I'm simply learning to protect my energy. I'm learning that while our hearts do not have a capacity limit, our energy does. If we're busy giving everyone the best of us, we have little to offer ourselves. We cheat ourselves of our greatness. When you're busy letting everyone in, you take little notice of what you're losing in the process. You feel your heart is full, when essentially...it isn't.

They don't even notice how comfortable they get within you, they just know they somehow always want to stay...

I use to argue with her...
But I get it now, it's an uncontrollable desire to emotionally embrace even the seemingly undeserving...

xoxo
Signs the girl balancing her energy

Convenient Forgetfulness.

As a person with HORRID memory, I guess I can see how some people forget things...

But, it's still a little awkward when you encounter individuals with "Convenient Forgetfulness".
When someone forgets certain details & facts for the sole purpose of making:

1. Their story look better 
2. Make themselves feel better about a situation
3. To make an invalid point to contradict someone elses story. 

The list can really go on & on. The reasons why it's done is in fact endless, & I get it. I get why all these things are important to some people, why sometimes we lie to ourselves so much that we start forgetting factual pieces of a story. Why, when things fall into place and you're in a better place, you rather NOT highlight all the other details.

& That's ABSOLUTELY FINE. 

We shouldn't live in the past anyway, we shouldn't let all those experiences fog our future & present.

BUT...
Let me tell you when it stops being...fine...
when you use your edited version to make yourself look better in comparison & when you try to retell the story to someone who was there & experienced it.
Given, all situations will always appear different based on your perspective. How people view things will never fully align, it's the nature of the beast.
But sometimes, from time to time it's flooring how different the same situation can look from different angles. Almost like an optic illusion of sorts. One we sometimes create for ourselves.

It seems as if it's a human trait to edit how things happened to make ourselves or our story just flow better. But when does it stop being just pure forgetfulness and just total illusion?

I.Am.Not.Perfect. I'm quite sure in my own head I've probably altered a story or two, but rest assure, I own up to my dumb shit, each.and.every, time.
Know, that I am not embarrassed by the decisions I make.
How my life looks in comparison to someone else, means jackshit to me.

but don't listen to me...
I'm a single girl who's a walking contradiction.

Deuces
-Signs the girl tired of peoples shit.

What are you good at?

If you were asked, right now... 

tell me 3 things you are really good at. 

Would you know what to say? 

...Let's backtrack a little before I get into this... 

I recently purchased an amazing agenda/planner. One that I decided to fill with inspirational quotes and goals instead of daily plans. I write things as minor as "Smile today" to as more in depth as "write where you see your career a year from today". All in all, it's a daily scrapbook/vision board/journal/reminder book/bible that I made my own...

Today happens to read "List 3 things that you are good at"... When I wrote it, I did not worry... but as the day approached I grew some anxiety. As if this was a test of sorts. As if writing these 3 simple things would determine my future. As if I was just meeting myself and had no idea what I'm good at...

:Welp:

OR maybe because I still have no idea how to put into words all the things I'm REALLY good at. Maybe because I question all my skill-sets, possibly because I doubt all my abilities and don't necessarily consider them note worthy. Probably because my arrogance levels were lowered and it took some of my confidence with it. Or maybe simply because I'm alright at a lot of things, but never really certain if "really good"...enough.

Don't get me wrong, from reading this you might get the wrong impression of me. Might sound like I truly lack confidence and put myself down a lot. I don't, in fact I work hard to humble myself and pop this constant bubble I live in, which I feel the world & every ones life in it, revolves around me... I think quite highly of myself and what I offer the universe...

except I can't happen to name all the reasons why... or at least I haven't come around to really think about it... I haven't forced myself to list the top 3 selling Eliz Points. (and not list my usual answers, I'm good at dancing, drinking beer and eating chicken lol lol, but I must say... I'm good) But to really indepth list ALL the things I'm really good at and select the TOP 3...

but I will...

try it with me today...

xoxo
signs the girl looking for her top 3.

Taking Responsibility

As some of you may, or may not know, I send out morning messages to a group of my friends/acquaintances/colleagues. I coined theses "Palabritas Del Dia". 95% of the time these messages are things I tell myself in the morning, Things I feel I need to repeatedly tell myself in order to take on the day. Things I feel everyone needs to hear/read in order to really self reflect on themselves and their current situations. Given, I don't always know exactly what everyone is going through, but the messages are so general that at any given day, someone, anyone could relate.

Tuesday 10/27 Morning Message:

Buenos Dias Neci@s... We tend to blame the wrong people when shit hits the fan. We like to point the finger every which way. Forgetting that our actions, decisions and approach has a lot to do with the results. That we are responsible of the shit that happens in our lives. Yes, Some things happen out of our control... but most of the time it's all a direct reflection of some decision we previously made. You are responsible for your good & bad. Accept your part in it. xoXo ElizTalks

----
Cue ElizRant:

The reason for today's message... I feel a lot of people (myself included) tend to see everyone elses wrong doing. They see a situation play out differently than they would have liked OR something gets a little out of hand, and the natural reaction is to point fingers. The initial reaction is always to see what everyone else did to get us where we are, not for once thinking, well I did A, B, & C... and here we are.
Luckily a lot of people eventually then begin to self reflect. eventually people come down from their high horse and begin to take responsibility for their actions, (& other times people need to get kicked off of it). 

I make hella bad decisions. I tend to make those first, alllll the time. But one thing that I do right, is take responsibility for my stupidity. I acknowledge the things I do wrong and either continue to do them (fully aware that I'm doing some bullshit) or I simply stop. Sadly, the same can't be said about everyone else. Sadly some people remain blinded by their own actions and choose to highlight, footnote, define & point out what everyone else is doing.

Like...seriously...for real...for ONE SECOND... think about the role you're playing in a situation and think of ALL the ways you can change it. THEN...do exactly that...and see how strangely, miraculously...shit changes...

xoxo
signs the girl kicking people off their horse...

You do better...

One thing that get's better with time is the ability to "Know better"...then, more so down the line starts the actual "doing better"...

I admit at some point in time I didn't know better, so I definitely did as I pleased having no regard for the consequences.

Eventually I grew up.... 

and became worst 

(yeah, only shit I would do, right?), 

I knew better but refused to do better and continued to do things as I pleased. Being fully aware of the consequences down the line, but paying them no mind, because, "I do what I want"... 

But eventually, (like about last week) I learned that my actions need to be a bit predetermined. That I must take a seat before I jump. That I have to analyze things thoroughly, because no one likes cycles. No one likes irrational decisions, or sudden outburst. I'm known to make a rash decision or 2. I'm impulsive by nature so I often do things solely by how I feel at the moment. Mostly because my emotions are so extreme that it consumes me fully until I do something about it. Until I do it, then I'm over it. Once it's out in the universe, it's out of my system & then I reflect. Possibly a bit too late, but I reflect nonetheless. Only to go back on my decisions or to solidify my reasoning and being okay with it. It's a toss up. Never really know with me...

But I'm learning the power of  "doing better". The ability to see my own faults, to see that I'm headed down the wrong path. The ability to not silence my instincts, to pay attention to what the universe is telling me....and essentially following through with what I know and have learned along this road...

To understand that decisions always have consequences  & that "baby Jesus, don't like ugly"... and karma doesn't either...

So I'm making decisions, being 100% honest with myself... staying aware and alert on what's what.

xoxo
Signs the girl finally knowing better & doing better...

Equally Obssesed

Does it exist? The ability for 2 people to be mutually & equally obsessed with each other.
I know mutually appreciating each other & loving each other truly exist.
But what about that head over heals type of love? That I'll do anything to see you happy type of love? That I want to see you every second like we're 15 type of love?
Is that love only seen in fairy tales & movies?
Or is that love always simply mostly one sided?

(CLEARY, It's obvious that type of love also fades with time & eventually you develop different levels of love & even have to relearn how to love someone. It will never stay on that level forever, BUT...close enough should, right?)

Some of you may be sitting here saying "yes, it does exist" because you feel that... BUT does your partner feel the same? You can only hope for it, you can only truly wish that you're both giving 100%.

Is it cynical to think that this doesn't exist... yeah, probably. But after observing enough people & experiencing enough things, you start to draw life conclusions. & this is one of mine. I've concluded that relationships are made up of so much more than simple emotions, that in life you have to choose if you want to be obsessed or be obsessed over. That you have to make a selection based on so much more than that passive feeling.

This post is in form of questions, because the truth is, I'm not sure what to believe anymore. I'm not sure what is genuine anymore. People tend to flaunt and show one thing, while feeling something completely different. The front of utter obsession is only represented & not always felt. Giving false impressions to the world of something that isn't real. Setting expectations in a society that is already having a difficult time accepting new age relationships. Doing things for an image and not for actual feelings felt...

So my real question is... who's obsessed with who?

xoxo
signs the girl not about that life

Conversation...

I love to talk...a lot, a whole freaking lot...
(If you didn't figure it out from my future brand name "ElizTalks")...

I also listen well... I capture things from just about every interaction I have with a person.

I'm all about conversation, about exchanging thoughts with another individual. It's the ONLY way you can ever really get to know someone. Not only from sharing past experiences, but from seeing their view points on a array of topics. You learn how someone ticks, you learn so much if you pay close attention. You could capture the essences of an individual even while simply discussing chicken, from something more serious like World Peace. Every conversation will let you decipher how a person functions on different levels.

Some people are obviously better conversationalist, and some people just vibe well with you so conversation flows regardless of their habits.

I truly, genuinely, cherish the people I surround myself with. They all fulfill different parts of my need to express my thoughts & opinions. Some people lend a nonjudgmental, keen listening ear that can not be replaced. People who are good at offering their opinions & know when to simply hear you out (even when you are retelling a story)...

While others...well some people can't hold a decent conversation for the life of them. People that aren't mature enough to exchange contradictory ideas are also not on my favorite list. Or people that continuously wish to discuss the same topics. Don't get me wrong, I have a few topics I can revisit over & over again, But if all you offer me is the same interaction, then I become bored... quickly... Then it makes me question our relationship. Makes me wonder what it is that we offer each other.

Conversations define my relationships, they make or break how I view you...

It defines how long I'll keep you in my life.

Xoxo
Signs the girl always making conversation...

Next Steps...

Life seems to have a timeline... well society has given life a timeline, one some of us diligently follow.
Let's just say my timeline hasn't exactly been kosher. I tend to do things on my time & when I feel like it. When it feels right, I do it. When it doesn't, I stop.
Seems alright, right?... welllll, let's just say it doesn't always work. Doing what I want, when I want, with no real plan, doesn't always pan out the way I would have wanted. (Crazy right! lol)

Reality is, all things in life has levels, stepping stones, next steps, stages... As it should (in my opinion at least). If you find yourself in something stagnant, that has remained unchanged in years, that should be worrisome to some extent, ESPECIALLY at a young age. Also, when you find yourself never leaving level 1 of everything or anything, that too is worrisome.

Not to say you should follow the levels, stepping stones, next steps, & stages others have set... BUT you should set some for yourself. You should always start something with a vision of where you want it to go from there. I think we've all become a bit complacent with going with the flow and/or being comfortable with uncomfortable, that we stopped setting stable every day goals.

By, WE... I mean me.

I'm never complacent, and never quite comfortable with uncomfortable. BUT, all I've been doing is going with the flow, to the point I'm not sure where the current has taken me.

I finally took a hold of the paddle... you would think it be to direct the boat where I want it to go... but, no. It's simply to hold the paddle and stand still until I decide what these next steps should be. I've learned that you truly do need to decide what's next in all situations... no matter how scary that next step may be, it has to be taken eventually. Even if that means changing everything you've ever known.

It's time for new stages in my life...

xoxo
Signs the girl prepping for these next steps...

Trust

One of the best things about meeting new people is how much you learn about yourself in the process. Not to say that this is the only way to self reflect, but it's a guaranteed way to analyze yourself in comparison to how someone else is.

It's by noting difference between myself and others that I realize things that I might not have been fully aware of, or never truly acknowledged.
Be it good or bad, I get to analyze someones surface, then look within myself and see how I relate and how I don't.

One of my latest discoveries is "trust". Obviously the older we get, we all develop some levels of trust issues. Some more than others. I recently discovered that while some people build trust (start from the very bottom & build up), I trust to my fullest extent , then take it from there. Not to say I blindly trust people, I've obviously experienced enough in my life not to, BUT everyone gets the benefit of the doubt. Everyone gets the trust & it's up to them where my levels end up. (I think the reason for this is because I only started being "let down", later on in life.)

While others seem to not trust at all, until they feel you've proven yourself enough to let you in. 

I'd lie and say "once you lose my trust, it's gone forever", But I'm not fully that way either. Everything changes, YES, but I think I've made so many mistakes in my lifetime that I know what it is to need forgiveness, and that's where the "build up" starts for me. That's where I start from the bottom and build up. That's where I truly begin to understand other people. It's just a bit uncomfortable, I'd say. To have to prove yourself as if you've done something wrong (from the very start), but haven't at all. It feels like righting a wrong you didn't commit.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about it. You go about your life the way you've become accustomed to and the way you think best benefits you.

Trust is a gift given to you, it's up to you to take care of it & how you give it.

xoxo
Signs the girl always giving that gift...

Oblivion

I'd consider myself quite a logical person. I am able to take myself out of my own bubble, analyze and assess most situations. I take in the opinions of others and my own personal logic to determine what's the best next steps.

BUT...

I'm also a stubborn person. 

I'm not oblivious to the obvious... 

I simply pick and choose what I see and take note of. I just acknowledge the things that are convenient to what I want. I'm a flawed human for so many reasons, I am far from a perfect individual... I make mistakes, I do things I know I shouldn't...but often my biggest flaw of all is erasing all logic and fueling my actions based on pure. raw.emotions.

While it has led to a hell of a story to tell one day...
It has also led to a lot of dead end streets.

NO REGRETS...

Simply a lot of essentially pointless situations. It has lead to roller-coasters, followed by bungee jumps, followed by jumping from a plane levels of adrenaline... but when the dust settles, you go from everything to nothing... because that's the thing with going off emotion, it fills you up so much for the moment, but if not used with some logic you're eventually left empty because of all the signs you didn't follow. You were busy following the beat of your "own drum", that you failed to see you were dancing to someone elses rhythm. That once the music stops playing... you have nothing left.... You were running off a high while driving full speed into a wall and for a moment you didn't care because it felt that good...

until you crash...and you're left scarred and a little beat up... you're left wondering why you didn't do all the things you knew you should have. Was the high worth this new low?

Eventually you know better & do better... But for now...recover...

xoxo
-signs the girl using logic.

Palabritas Del Dia:
"Never ever compromise what you deserve, for what you like. Life is filled with people that are willing to do anything for you...Find those people & embrace them. Lowering expectations for the good of someone else never ends well. Sometimes, from time to time, using logic is a lot more beneficial than running with emotions (don't quote me on this)... xoxo ElizTalks"

Goals

Goal- Noun- the object of a person's ambition or effort. an aim or desired result.

It's a social media trend these days to consider everything "Goals". 

From an image of a friend holding your hair back as you throw up #FriendshipGoals, 

To the image of a cute, "happy" couple sharing an "unplanned" moment in the seemingly perfect setting #RelationshipGoals. 

To the image of a group of friends doing something "fun"- #SquadGoals... 

the goals go on & on...

Most, obviously only stated for shits & giggles. BUT, some, deep down truly desiring to experience those moments seen on those images. As if the one second it took to capture that particular moment defines an entire experience. As if we aren't all posting our best moments & best angled images. As if sometimes, from time to time, we too wish to obtain the perfection of that very image we ourselves took & experienced. (Trust me, I often wish I looked as good as my now perfected selfie )...

It's almost as if the virtual world has made us forget the layers upon layers of "imperfection" within every circumstance & situation. As if perfect images have clouded our reality of "struggle". As if we stopped seeing the beauty of our own reality because we're too busy looking at everyone elses. I personally think social media has heightened the concept of "the grass is greener on the other side", simply because everyone is showing their green pastures. Who wants to see weeds anyway? 

Instead of working towards our own "perfection", we often complain about it. Instead of changing our situation, we often sit back day dreaming of the possibility. OR instead we constantly look through 100's & 100's of perfectly posed perfections & think... #Goals... 

Or worst... 

we perfectly craft a virtual perfection as to falsely portray what we only wish were true. 

This isn't to say everyone feels this way about their own lives. This isn't to say we should start (or continue to, in some obnoxious cases) to post our bad & worst moments. This is simply to have us step back for a second and remind ourselves that most things aren't what they seem. That our reality is only altered and perfected by the goals we ACTUALLY set and accomplish.  That our true smiles can not, and will never be truly captured online. That the goals you have set should never be a reflection of anyone else but yourself. 

that when the camera is down your reality should be better than the megapixels...

XoXo
Signs the girl embracing her reality.

Privacy

The more the internet grows & develops the less privacy we seem to have.

Even if you avoid the internet at all cost, someone WILL post a picture of you and there it goes...cover blown. 

Even if you post one picture a month, it will be digested and investigated 

Even if you stop posting for a while, assumptions will be made

Even if you post pictures of flowers and chicken, something will be said. 

The reality is, the internet is here to stay and so is the constant exposure of our lives.  It's grown so much that we have little control of it at this point. Even when you limit yourself.

I myself am (or was) a social media junky. I love sharing selfies, outings, my family, my friends, celebrations. Enough to keep you entertained, not quite enough for you to know what's ACTUALLY happening (yup, even with a personal blog, you'd never really know who or what I'm actually referencing...if you think you do....you're simply assuming hun....) all in all, I love this stuff, always have, since back in the AOL dial tone days...

But as of late, I've noticed people are really doing the MOST for this virtual world.

From posting a reality that isn't real to them, 

From doing everything possible to obtain this status of going "viral" "online fame", people over exposing themselves simply for their 15 minutes... 

From faking it for the 'gram (twitter, snapchat, facebook, tumblr) 

I was okay with it all even fascinated by the way our world was shrinking...

UNTIL the last few weeks/months... It's almost as if something clicked... I started noticing and realizing that invisible followers do exist... either because you forget they follow you, or simply because they actually don't but a find a way to. The feeling was a bit...creepy. 
That people are watching... watching closely. It's creepy mostly because not everyone has the best intentions for you at heart, mostly because people don't always watch to simply watch you like a reality show, but more so to observe and silently not celebrate with you.

I'm a believer of energy, be it from a distance, or real up close & personal. The internet is making people come too close and not always with the best vibes... What started with the intention to bring us closer together, seems to be putting us worlds apart...

That privacy has always been a relative concept... But it's now becoming close to non-existent... as much as you try otherwise...

xoxo
Signs the girl trying to put down the blinds to my window...

That Drunk Text...

I drink...
Often...

Always enough to get drunk... Most of the time enough to blank out and do things that subconsciously always wanted to do.

Hi, Nice to meet you... I'm a drunk texter...

It's a realm where your conscious meshes with your subconscious and you say things you might have not normally said. You say the things you only wish you could sober. It's also heightened. It's also over exaggerated.  It's also not always 100% real (despite what society might say)....

It's that time where you decide to text the person you unknowingly are thinking about. Either because that's the person that makes you hot... because deep down you feel something... or because that just happens to be what crossed your mind at that very moment... OR because you know you might or might not get a response that ends happily...

Sometimes you text someone, that the next morning leaves you full of regrets, OR...yeah usually simply always full of regrets. lol

Numerous songs reference this phenomenon of drunk texting... (It's relieving to know, its not simply a occurrence in my life) I surveyed a few people on Facebook & seems like this is in fact common world wide (AKA...NEW YORK, but I'm sure it's common where ever people drink, meaning everywhere...). People build liquid confidence to send that text. To say those things they wouldn't sober, to hit up that person they might have been avoiding (numerous reasons and explanations)...

To do the things our sober selves wouldn't usually let us...

I've also been on the receiving end of said text... ( I associate with a lot of drinkers) It's always interesting to be the sober one getting these messages. Always leaves you thinking..."humm fancy to see you here again", But I'm aware those conversations lead from here to no where. That these messages are followed by a lot of laughs, giggles & denials. I get it... I've been there.

I don't look into them anymore...

If you want to see me in my rawest, purest form...and want to know exactly how I feel........text me while I'm drunk....




xoxo
Signs the girl waiting on that text...

To all the boys I've ever loved...

(or almost loved, barely loved...kinda loved...liked)

Thank You.

First & Foremost...

If I never said it, among all the million things I probably said... I likely never thanked you for who you were. You brought out the worst and best in me. even if just for a day, a few weeks, months, or years...
Thank You for teaching me more about myself than anything else. For being my constant reminder that I always have to take things as a lesson and look within to seek change.
Thank You for sticking it out, for loving (liking, almost loving, barely loving..kinda loving) me enough to always want the best for me and still desiring that for me.
Thank You for completing my sentences & thoughts. I let you in enough that you knew parts of me, so you understood things about me that I didn't exactly know yet.
Thank You for seeing the good in my bad. It takes quite the individual to understand my crazy.
Thank You for whatever stage you entered my life in, you helped me grow and prepared me for the next.
Thank You for hurting me and making me cry. It made me stronger and realize that even the best things has some bad in it...
Thank You for showing me how self less I can be...but also showing me I can be selfish sometimes


Thank You for preparing me for the next guy, the right one... not to say you were wrong, just clearly not for me. You were always enough, but you just happen to fit another piece of my puzzle... not the one we might have thought.

You're either- single & trying to figure things out, in a relationship , engaged and ready for the next step, married, or learning what it is to love your children...
wherever you might be now, Good Luck... Honestly... I truly wish you the best, that you're taking your role, whatever role it might be, and being the best and giving your all.

Some things might apply to you & some just might not...

But to all of you...

Sorry... for giving you as much as I could, but never really enough...

hope you know what enough is one day...

& I hope I do too


Xoxo
Signs the girl that loved you...

Don't mess with my Sparkle...

I consider myself a confident person.

Growing up Dominican, you build up your confidence from the womb, because you're criticized left & right by the people you love MOST. 

"Constructive Criticism" 
They would say... 
::insert eye roll::

Any who...

We all have moments of insecurities, those that 60% of the time are created in our minds, based on society norms & standards.

BUT

then you have those 40% moments. where your confidence fluctuates based on the actions of someone else. Where what you feel about yourself is hindered by what someone else has to say about you. Those moments when you take a step back and you're like "pero coño, WTF is wrong with ME" 

We ALL have those moments, and whoever says they don't is lying... ::insert viral why you lying video::. That moment when you're not picked first for the school play, that moment when you didn't get the first invite to the party..

that moment when...
you just weren't "picked"...

I had one of those moments recently, where my ego was hurt... where for a second I questioned myself. that moment that you're like damn bruhhh I must be doing something wrong in life...

Completely went in on myself. (we are always our own worst critic)..

Went on a whatsapp rant with one of my dearest & nearest... simply to be woken up & snapped back to reality...

BITCH...You Sparkle...
(ok maybe I wasn't told in those words lol, please note most of my friends are guys & not gay ones, so they would never tell me I sparkle) 

BUT... I was reminded that I am indeed the shit, simply that I have a poor judgement of character, or simply an obsession of seeing the beauty in everything and everyone. That life is not a professional sport in which the best people are drafted. That shit just happens or it doesn't and 85% of the time it has nothing to do with who you are, or what you do or don't do.

That you shouldn't judge people on the decisions they make, just like you shouldn't judge yourself based on their decision...

That sometimes, not being picked... is the best thing that could have happened to you...

xoxo
Signs the girl that sparkles...

Accepting BS...

As I'm seeking this middle place, I realized I have put myself in some odd situations. Accepting shitloads of bull because I had no expectations. If you don't set standards you find yourself being down with just about everything. Everything goes when you're in limbo, you put yourself in a situation where expecting too much isn't expected...or even "allowed" really... You learn to accept everything and be okay with it....

With that being said, there's the other side of the coin... legit, solid, official relationships. Those in which standards are set and a certain level of expectations noted...

Realizing that there too, you must accept some level of bull....accept that imperfection is a reality, and that bullshit comes in all shapes and forms... I'm slowly coming to terms with that. (real real slow)...

There will always be something you have to put up with... & if I expect something/anything to last. I have to be willing and able to accept some level of bullshit. It's solely up to me, what my "level" is...everyone has their own standards and meter.

I have to come to terms with the reality that things are only picture perfect on Instagram & not in every day life. That with every good moment, come a number of bad ones...and that I have to essentially be okay and ready for that.

If I want anything to last.

People will upset you, hurt you and do things that you will not like. The solution isn't to run from it, it's with growing with it, learning from it...and building your tolerance levels.

BUT...I've seen some of the things people tolerate, & It's sometimes MIND-BLOWING.... I can't fathom the thought... but then I shut up, I take a seat and realize that you never really know what you'll tolerate, even if you haven't in the past. New situations, circumstances and people make you tolerate different things.

the real question you always have to ask yourself is..."Do I want this to last..."even with the bullshit...


xoxo
Signs the girl just trying to figure shit out.

Comfort in Instability...

I, like most people, love the feeling of new. As much as I hate endings and falsely claim to not adjust to change. All my adult life has been a constant revolving door, from living arrangements, marital status, friendships, jobs, relationships, financial standing... Always something...NEW.
It's how I function. It's how I learned to work, It's how I've adjusted. So much so, that I no longer know the concept of longevity. I no longer know what long term feels like, in most things.

Maybe I don't know what full stability feels like, because I've been in a seemingly unstable state for a bit now.
I've had to reprogram myself to accept uncertainty and be okay with it. I've had to accept things that are neither her, nor there. To accept that I have little control of most things in life...

Until now...
I'm slowly creeping into "stable" state. Slowly entering a place in my life where things are at a calm. Therefore I've been seeking a middle ground for all areas of my life. (Once one thing  falls into place, everything else follows suit)

But...

I've noticed how much comfort I find in instability. I gravitate towards rocky roads , because your chances of tripping are higher, therefore it's expected. When you trip on smooth solid ground the impact is always harsher because it's not really anticipated, it's "smooth solid ground" after all (no such thing, by the way... all concrete cracks eventually, giving way for tripping hazards)...  So I've found myself constantly preparing for impact... so much so, I put myself & keep myself in unstable situations because it has become "easier", it has become my "norm"... it has become what I know. It has become...comfortable.

To walk a path that leads to no where, leaves no real room for surprises, the only real surprise would be it leading to somewhere.

I'm not saying I'm taking out my map now and looking for better paths... simply saying I know where it stems from... I know why...

Let me handle it... you handle yours.

xoxo
Signs the girl that might be seeking a map.