Toxic Relationship PTSD

For those of you who do not know what PTSD stands for, it's "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

It's diagnosed on people who have lived through extreme traumatic experiences, not something to be ridiculed or belittled. Which is far from the intention of this post. More so to draw light into what I'm calling Toxic Relationship PTSD.

Before I get into it, I'll start with a disclaimer that I have been blessed with the relationships I have had in my life, as they have not been traumatic, more so always a learning experience. My "dating" experiences, well that's a whole other story. I and many people around me truly do suffer from this type of PTSD. It's experiences that have impacted us enough that any signs of it, causes an unexplained uneasiness, and often triggers an unmerited response. No two experience is ever a mirror of another, but from time to time you get flashbacks of those who have wronged you in some way and to avoid that feeling, you're defensive...immediately.

I'm still going through this, no matter how often my partner proves time & time again, that this is a whole other story, I still continuously have to pep talk myself down from an over reaction, due to things he doesn't even trigger, simply remembrance of my past. It's difficult to explain to someone who may have never experienced it. It's that feeling of jumping to conclusions simply because you refuse to fall for those type of things again, so now everything somewhat resembles the signs. EVERYTHING is a sign pretty much. "Oh, that was a sign, that I should walk away"... because walking away often seems like the easier thing to do.

It's a learning curve to date someone new, you have no idea what makes this person tick, you just know that you like them enough to figure it out. It's a growing pain, especially since most of us come in it with baggage. We come in sometimes resentful, often reserved & always ready for things to just go left. (because that's the direction you're use to things going).

But how do you get past this? How do you get past assuming this won't work out either?

When you figure it out, let me know, because I still don't know. lol

I'm still going through the growing pains, I'm still experiencing moments where I'm like "Fugz this shit"... still side eye him, still blame him for things he didn't even do. Still jump to conclusions and don't give him a chance to prove himself. I was judging him before I even figured out how his mind works (please note this is an ongoing process)

BUT I do less of it now. I give him a chance to fuck up, before I assume he will. I'm less pushy, and side eye him less, which in turn causes him to do more, to prove himself more, to be appreciated more.

I still haven't figured this whole thing out, and I don't know how it will turn out or work out. But for now I'm experiencing it, not comparing it to my past, not comparing it to anyone else experiences, setting expectations i'm not meeting aside. Embracing it's good until he fucks up.

I must say, It feels good to let go a little... it makes for a better ride & I really...really like this ride

xoxo
signs the girl recovering from PTSD.

The art of overthinking & sucking at it...

I'm quite certain I've perfected the act of overthinking. I've mastered not much else in life but the ability to over-analyze just about anything. From a casual statement a coworker makes in the pantry area, to a text a friend sends regarding anything. I'm usually fairly open about my overthinking ways when it comes to intimate relationships. What most people don't realize is that this is me in EVERY interaction in my life. I'm not entirely sure where it stems from, I'm just fully aware that it's something I do, & I do it often.

Again, I'm not sure where or how this started in my life, but from the day I could remember forming my own thoughts & opinions, I remember analyzing everything. I must also add, I SUCK AT IT. I'm pretty much wrong 75% of the time with the things I make up in my head. You'd think I'm watching a completely different series form the synopsis I give. Usually my stories have horrible endings & the whole world is out to get me... NO.IDEA.WHY.

I've lived a fairly blessed life, I've surrounded myself with my fair share of family & friends. I, like everyone else has been hurt by people... but the way I make shit up in my head you'd think I'm surrounded by deadbeats ONLY. Which is essentially far from the truth. I guess this is why I tend to shake these thoughts from my head & bring myself back to reality, But not before I've over-analyzed the situation long enough to disturb my own peace. No one disturbs my own peace, more than my own thoughts do.

As I write this I realize, "damn, girl you need therapy"... Because I definitely do. Not sure if it will help quiet down my brains trigger to read into everything, but won't hurt to try.

My relationship is a battle of it's own, the way I over-analyze a simple "ok" is definitely an annoying art. Nothing can just be what it is, everything must mean something else, because why wouldn't it? Maybe I watched too many teen dramas growing up, or read too many novels. But the way I jump to conclusions is almost comedic. Eventually one day I'll be right, and it will only take one instance for me to justify my thinking always.

I'm not intentionally this way... I much rather not be... but here we are, no surprise that the girl that writes too much, also thinks way too much. For the most part the thoughts I share with everyone else make sense. I've learned to leave my far out ideas to myself, because even I know when I sound a bit crazy. Usually people judge others by the thoughts you share about them, so to avoid that, I avoid sharing... But that leaves me often having to talk myself out of my own thoughts, which in turn does in fact make me feel like I have a problem....

I so often tell everyone to stop thinking so much & let the universe work as it should. I tell people that we give power to our negative thoughts & manifest them... Yet, I do this on a daily basis... I'm basically an overthinking hypocrite... But I'm working on that...

well that was a lot... hope that made some sense....let me know...

xoxo
signs the girl that thinks enough for everyone...

You get what you give...

Either I'm so selfless & I don't think anything I do is a lot... OR I'm actually not doing much in comparison to some (because according to most people they do the MOST for their partners) & I'm extremely selfish.

I'm the youngest of 4 girls... I received attention naturally, my parents at the time weren't overbearing with attention ( I say at the time because something switched in my mother the older we got & her levels of attention skyrocketed, Papi has been very consistent with showing love in a very unique way ), but we were always taken care of. We were trained to be highly independent & not to rely on anyone, also we were shown love not by affection physically but through attention. We're super defensive of our crew (gang), and we have each other's back when need be. We weren't spoiled with material things, but they gave us (me) things as much as they could. Their focus was education, always, nothing else really mattered.

I start by stating all this, because the first teachings of love is obviously in our upbringing...how we learn to receive it is how we'll give it eventually.

So where were we...oh yes "you get what you give"... after analyzing myself, my friendships, past relationships and observing my friends... what really is a lot? what are people giving so much of & how do I give it too? If you know me or ever dated me, you know I require an immense about of attention, but you have to be strategic, you can't give an overbearing amount, but just enough that I want to keep getting it (as you can see, not complicated at all). I think mostly because attention is all I really know how to offer.

You won't get endless hugs & kisses (unless I'm drunk), I won't cook you daily meals, I won't call you sweet things, or give you a series of compliments. I won't take you wherever I go & I won't go wherever you go. I won't stay home because you prefer it. I won't give you elaborate gifts... I've pretty much summed up all the things I don't do, BUT want to receive & feel I deserve... seems hypocritical, no? ... Well I'm working on it, I'm working on either showing my love differently or accepting that love will be shown to me to the extent that I show it (for the most part).

I mean I'm not a terrible human either... I shower you with attention, I'm always available to talk & I won't miss a call or message. For the most part I'm readily available. So when I don't get this in return, all hell breaks loose, probably mainly because it's all I really know how to give of myself & my one indication of true love.

So does anyone every truly get what they give, or people are just showing love the only way they know how? Is everyone just truly giving their best shot & what's best, is truly relative. How much compromised is required? Should I be expecting what I don't give & that's final?? So many questions I'm still trying to figure out...

xoxo
Signs the girl that is quite needy...

Tolerance & other things...

Hey Y'all!!

It's been some time since I've sat to chat. (With myself). I'm an over thinker by nature so essentially I'm always having conversations with myself. But from time to time I like to spill it all in writing & share with the universe.

So what's today's topic... tolerance! (& I'm not talking about my alcoholic tolerance which I might add has plummeted since I turned 30) I'm talking about our tolerance in relationships, be it amicable, professional or romantic.

BIG NEWS... 

::whispers:: I've recently stumbled upon a romantic relationship...

Like real deal bae status... & let me tell you... What the heck was I complaining about while single?? Because this shit isn't easy. I'm learning about myself in a different light & level than I ever did single. Not saying it's terrible, because in that case I shouldn't be in a relationship, but it's definitely a learning curve for me. It's NOT quite like hopping back on a bicycle (which I don't know how to ride to begin with). It's different because time changes you, experiences taint you, and how you once did things doesn't always work. There's essentially no right way of doing it. Or easy way. Especially when it's been a long while since you've been on this ride. It's brand new, it's different, it takes work & effort. & big shocker shit doesn't just happen overnight!!

I guess one of the most difficult parts is that it's absolutely nothing like you pictured it would be all those years that you were single & wildly dating. It's not instantly love, it's not instantly home, it's not instantly exactly what you wanted (because I def didn't want him lol lol)

Every situation is obviously different,  everyone has a different take, approach, view & tolerance level...

If you've been in any relationship long enough, you know one of the many necessary attributes is some level of tolerance, which goes hand in hand with compromise. It's the ability to set feelings aside, & decide what you're willing to put up with & work around. I state feelings aside because if you involve your heart too much, you might be tolerating a bit TOO MUCH. It's working with someone & who they are and build a partnership to become a unit. Something that doesn't happen overnight or automatically, not for everyone at least... definitely not for me.

My work in progress unit is not perfect, and hashtag relationship goals worthy. It gets uncomfortable, it gets questionable, it's tested me already, But it's also my comfortable, my place of not questioning, and its the answer to all the test I've failed in the past.

My experiences & views are mine alone. I'm use to things beginning with an ultimate HIGH (making it a steep face first crash down usually). This particular relationship was different for me because it didn't start with that high, it's been a gradual uphill rocky journey so far. It's constantly progressing & developing to better & that's what forever sounds like to me... It's two people growing better together... & making it work, every mini step making it worth it.

but I guess we'll wait & see...


xoxo
signs the girl that's working on it... always

Am I asking for too much?

The internet often shoves it down your throat "if they say you're asking for too much, you're asking the wrong person"... but what if in fact you are asking for too much? Maybe you're not asking for something unrealistic, but possibly something that doesn't entirely make sense. Or doesn't happen all at once.

Hear me out... 

What if your expectations & desires are all a fabrication of what you're made to think you should be getting. What if you've created a laundry list of what you want, only to discover time & time again, that life doesn't work that way. That no one will ever match the list, that you'll get a bit of one thing, but not the other. That compromises must be made in order for something to work. That you'll always be lacking in one "Department", but it's up to you if you're willing to let that shit go.

Just maybe...

I'm no expert, in fact I'm a relationship school drop out, a rebellious student who sits in the back of the class and often debates & curses the teacher. I do not believe in rules & often go against the grain when it comes to this topic. Which is why I avoid it, I avoid discussing something so personal, unless you bring it up... nothing grinds my gears more than unsolicited relationship advice. Not because I don't like hearing what people have to say, but mostly because I do not want something so personal to be influenced by the opinions of those I love. & you shouldn't either...

So back to topic... when do you know that you're asking for too much... or when do you know it's time to bid farewell, because you're not getting what you should be. I say "should be" quite loosely, because that's extremely relative... & we've created a very privileged and entitled society. In which we believe we deserve the world but aren't taught how to offer it. Reality check, if you're not giving what you're asking for, do you really deserve it, simply because you're told you should?

Let's take it back to our parents, you know back when marriages made it past the 10 year mark. I don't know about your parents, but I know mine didn't make it 42 years by setting demanding expectations, they also didn't make it this far smoothly. They started dating in a time, where you worked through shit and entitlement wasn't a thing. You got what you got & you made it work...

This is not me advocating people to stay in shitty situations, by all means if you're unhappy, even borderline miserable...get out, quick! But don't leave based on a list of expectations. don't leave because you haven't qualified yourself as #RelationshipGoals. Don't leave because it doesn't feel picture perfect. Don't leave because "better is out there"... truth is there will ALWAYS be better, but if you continue chasing better, you'll never stay to make things right...anywhere....

xoxo
signs the girl working on things...

Cuando me conviene

If you've read my stuff before, I'm sure you're well aware that I take most opportunities in my life to learn about myself. One relationship I'm always working on & committed to getting right, is the one I have with myself. But let's face it, I've been disloyal to me too, one to many times. But the point is, every occurrence is a learning opportunity.

What have I learned recently? A shitload, but 1 major point is that I'm a horrible student. That I can write a thesis of the things I have learned along the way, but find it quite difficult to put it into practice. I don't implement my lessons (not always, at least) so what's the point? Why pride myself in being so self reflective when essentially it's just a footnote that goes unnoticed...

"Cuando me conviene"... (when it's convenient to me) 

I take all this knowledge & store it for future reference...but when will I really listen to myself? When will I go back to my notes and make decisions based on what I know & not solely on what I feel??

Logic, I have plenty of it. I'm not a person that walks blindly through life & I'm not ignorant to the realities of a series of situations. I do in fact store all my lessons and keep them very present & very relevant.

But I am stubborn... I do not care about the lessons life has prepared me with. I simply care about what my soul tells me to do at that very moment. & I've learned...that not a single thing could stop me from doing exactly what I feel like, in that very moment.
Not society, not logic, not much...

One thing my lessons have prepared me for... sharing my knowledge... It has built me into one hell of a support system for those I care about... it has given me endless amount of wisdom to share with those around me...

but... when will I start listening to that girl that knows way beyond her years, but refuses to let go of purity of a childs heart...

your guess is as good as mine...

xoxo
signs the girl with the wisdom of a 50 yr old & the actions of a 16 yr old...

When good still feels bad...

I never considered myself a bitter or tainted person. I've been through my fair share of "bad" experiences. I've encountered my fair share of "ain't shit people" people that have wronged me in some way or other. People that didn't deserve my time of day but somehow I managed to give them more than that...

It's not until you have a decent thing going that you realize just how bad people messed you up. It's not until things are going right, that you realize just how much wrong you've been through. Simply because even the right things you proceed with suspicion...because you find yourself doubting even the kindest of gestures. Like your life has become a big game of, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because its bound to...because that's how life works, isn't it? God forbid something could be all the way good, right?

I find myself in that place right now, where good feels doubtful... where good is temporary & I shouldn't make a home out of it... a place where I'm setting myself up for what will go wrong, because something always will...right? I've been in false good places before, in situations where it felt all the way right and then BOOM.... it's not. So I almost don't hype myself up anymore, but you can't help but have a little bit of hope, like maybe this time?

I'm not bitter, but I'm tainted... I see the goodness in everyone's heart, but I'm also aware of how capable people are to try to prove that their wrongs aren't wrong at all. I've seen how easily people convince themselves that they are doing NOTHING wrong, when they in fact are. So I'm doubtful, I question my own judgement, over analyze & over think.  I take every gesture & thread lightly. I refuse to dive head first, when I'm aware that sometimes diving in is what's required to make things work.... that dipping in your toe far too long might lead to losing your chance at a potential good swim....

That I find myself so ready to be hurt, that I hurt myself in the process... so here's to letting good be good, despite how much bad you've been through...

no more waiting for the shoe to drop... just taking today & right now for what it is... and hope for the best without expecting the worst...

xoxo
signs the girl that needs to get out of her own head

The best in you...

I have this trait, that some days I wonder if I should shake off...& other times I think it's the best thing about me...

you see I have this odd ability to assume the best of everyone until proven otherwise...& even when I am proven otherwise, I try to rationalize their reasoning in doing what they did/do. I try to see the best in people despite the often fucked up things they do. If I care at all for you, or saw even an ounce of goodness, that ounce overflows to buckets & makes up for the bad you may or may not be doing.


People tend to always defend their actions, & not see the wrong in what they do, I too do that for them. I try to put logic to things that have no valid substance. No matter how much I force myself    (yes literally force) to see someone for the layer of "bad" that they have shown/proven... I dig & dig to see the layers of good that every single person does have. I'm a strong believer of that & try to find it in everyone that I know personally.

I guess I just don't think people are capable of some of the things that they indeed do. Given... I haven't been faced with too many situations where I'm interacting with a serial killer. So I can't say it's a super power... I simply mean the every day "bad", the liar, cheater, thief, etc.. Trust me, people in all walks of life have done fucked up things to me. But I'm just not that person who holds a grudge about it... I might not fully stick around, but I sure won't see you as a bad person, EVER. 

Some days I wonder if that's a good or bad thing... If I should hold people more accountable for their actions, if their should be consequences or I should continue to coddle them and make them feel there is indeed no wrong in their actions? That I let the universe take it's flow, with no doing of my own....

See I think all these things, while still fully believing, there is good in every one... that for every bad, there is some good... of some form... & I'll always highlight that

Soo you reading this... I will always see the best in you no matter what you do...

But I won't always stick around to witness it...not forever at least.

xoxo
Signs the girl that always hopes for the best

ready or not...it's here...the new year...

This beginning wasn't feeling quite right & I figured out why... I hadn't taken the time to truly genuinely reflect on 2017 & my ambitions/dreams/goals/motivators for 2018. It came & went the big NYE party & now as I shake the vacation autopilot mode off... It's time to take the wheel & get things moving. Set out to accomplish the things I fell short on, in 2017 & continue to progress in the areas I excelled.

What can I say about 2017... It was a good one. It had it's fair share of highs & lows, but for the most part it goes down as one in which all the growth that took place did not stem from a negative place, but more so purely internal organic growth. I lost some, I gained some & that holds true for jobs, men, friends & weight. In all cases me learning more about myself.

But let's do a run down of lessons learned...

• If you find yourself in a similar situation from the past, it's indeed the universe testing you... Doing the same exact thing will leave you in the same exact place. Even if in a different light.
• When you're too scared to jump, often the universe will push you & you'll land exactly where you're meant to. 
• Some people will try to convince you that what you know & see, isn't exactly what IS. Don't let them, a spade's a spade no matter what it tries to paint itself as. 
• Trust the process, you'll eventually figure out what you want, you'll wake up one day knowing. Literally 
• You never know where you'll find comfort. 
• New people can be amazing...
• Cutting people & situations off is absolutely necessary for growth
• Friendships will shift forms, that doesn't change it's purity 
• Being in your 30's does in fact change absolutely everything... at least how you view it 
• Working hard might feel like a lot, but it pays off in the long run
• Getting to your goals later than anticipated, does not change that amazing feeling once you actually do. 
• Boys will forever suck, you just have to decide which one gets your time. 

& finally...give yourself some damn credit every once in a while... you're doing good baby girl... and you don't need anyone to say it for you or to you....

As for 2018, I'm a bit disoriented but I'm ready... I know what I want & I know what I've worked towards & what I will work towards... 

so ready or not...it's here...

Happy New Year!!!

xoxo

Signs the girl kinda ready for 2018