Rules

Rule: One of a set of explicit or understood regulations or principles governing conduct within a particular activity or sphere

Norm: Something that is usual, typical, or standard. 

Society created rules in order for us to become a "civilized" bunch. These norms were  created so that we can continue to evolve and not be as barbaric as our beginnings. Certain things became enforced norms. Obviously, since the beginning of time people have questioned these things, & have stepped outside of what people expect you do, some more than others.

Norms & rules have become such a part of us, so much so that if you do something that doesn't follow these norms your happiness is immediately questioned. Your thought process is immediately doubted and it's almost automatically seen as "not right"... It's as if not doing what everyone else has done or how they did it, makes it an automatic formula to failure.

Almost as if we forget that we are evolving creatures that constantly adjust to our habitat and setting. That when we make a decision that doesn't go with the expectation of someone else, it's often because we were forced to adjust based on our own reality. & certain things just work for different people. But, once you've become so use to these norms & rules, we begin to question even our own decisions when they are different than what we know.

Don't get me wrong, I've found myself in various ends of this spectrum at different instances in my life. From the judgy person who questions why someone is doing things a certain way. To the person that does things somewhat unconventionally, as if I make my own rules. I'm the girl that steps in & out of the box, quite often in one single situation. I don't do well with norms & rules, but like the comfort of order, all at the same time. So I find that I'm often battling myself, getting in constant disagreements about my own decisions.

What I want to do versus what I'm use to doing. 

What I'm doing versus what I assume I should be doing

Deciding if "right" is a decision I made or was it made for me... 

We usually have preconceived notions of how things are suppose to go, how they should begin & end. The timeline they should follow and when exactly in life all these things should be happening. We've engraved expectations in our souls that the second something is not aligned with it, we question absolutely everything about it.

At least I do.

Don't get me wrong... I continuously do whatever I want, but always with doubt. Shamed by the expectations society has set on my shoulders.

xoxo
signs the girl who's choosing a blank slate.

Happy Endings...

After a few years walking on this road called life, it often becomes difficult to geniuely believe in happy endings. We see things repeatedly end in our own lives and with those around us. Certain things we never saw coming and others were expected. All in All, forever seems to become more and more rare.

While tainted, I'm still not phased by this reality. Somehow, some way, I still believe in happy endings. I still somehow go into things hopeful of the promise of longevity. I still believe in forever.
This might make me a dreamer or naive, but it's me. I believe in the ability of things working out. Maybe not smoothly, maybe not exactly as planned, & definitely not easily... but that they work. They take work, but they work.

It's difficult in the year 2016 and at 30 years old to still believe. After you've experienced enough big endings, beginnings become difficult and middles shaky & rare. Starting something, anything, comes filled with hesitation, fear and a sense of unwillingness to try. Not wanting to go through the motions of yet another end. Almost like before something even starts you have decided it likely won't work, regardless how good it feels. I think sometimes we anticipate the end, in hopes that if we plan & expect for it, it won't feel as bad.

So when I say I'm not phased, it doesn't mean I jump head first. It just means I still believe, no matter how long it takes me dipping my toes in the water to check if it's warm enough. I still go in, in hopes that these waters run deep like the ocean, not a rapid river that might kill me, and not a puddle with no sense of depth. I still believe in happy endings...

Only to realize I should stop to think of them as happy...endings... but as one continuous series of beginnings. A story with many chapters. Something filled with layers & layers of what make something worth telling. A mix of good, bad, sad, life changing, new, old..happy...

xoxo

signs the girl hopeful on forever... 

Patience

I feel like I'm entering a new stage in adulthood. It's the point in life where I'm finally realizing patience is in fact a virtue. It seems like we live in a time where instant gratification is a new norm. That waiting for things isn't commendable. I admit, 96.8% of me is one of those people. I am a person that drops things soon after I see it doesn't work for me. If it, in any way inconveniences my balance, I mark it NULL. Or at least my entire approach is altered, my effort diminishes & at that point I might as well just quit.

But after many trials & tribulations, I've entered a place of patience... Not that I'm there yet, but I'm working on it. Working on acknowledging that most things aren't meant to start at it's highest peak, that it's a climb there. That the bottom is where things should start & not where they end. That we must put in the work to reap the rewards. That good things come to those who wait, and put forth the effort.

All cliche, all things that seem obvious, but rare these days...

oh so rare.

It's my want to get the raise & promotion before I even shown my ability. I walk away from things when I feel I've put my fair share, only to look back & realize the things, jobs, people I walk away from weren't even that bad. This is not to say to bend over backwards for just anything or anyone. Not to say, stay in dead end jobs and dead end relationships/friendships. It's simply to say work on what you feel deep down is worth being patient for. That in order for anything to last you must practice patience. That job titles don't fall on your lap & successful marriages just don't happen overnight.

I once found it silly people that would suck it up, and stick it out. Immature even. People that stayed in jobs that weren't perfect and relationships that were below subpar, were foolish & know nothing about life... Until I noticed the gaps in my professional resume & personal one... Until I realized that how could anything advance if I don't put my best efforts forward and hope for the best.

This is not to say patience is the only major key, you might wait forever and still not get what you want. Life is comedic that way. It's simply something in the last year or so I've been working on & it's caused a great sense of peace inside of me. It also to some extent has been working already in some areas of my life.

It's learning that if you jump ship too soon, you'll never end up anywhere... but in other broken ships... or just stranded in the ocean...

xoxo
signs the girl working on her professional & personal resume.

Fairy Tale...

Sometimes we (or maybe just me, who knows) forget that behind every fairy-tale are hurdles, struggles, blood (maybe, not this one so much), sweat & tears. That simple, doesn't exist. Some stories worst than others, neither, one in the same. That the only way to truly know the ins & outs of a relationship, you have to be IN IT. That no matter how much you think you know, you have no idea. Sometimes the ones that seem to be the happiest, aren't...and vice versa.

I've noticed in my own interactions that one of my biggest issues is getting past the not so pretty parts. It's acknowledging that nothing & no one is perfect, despite what the pictures might show. That happy doesn't always come in the box you thought it would. It's remembering that not all timelines are the same & the only expectations I should have should match the things I'm offering. It's accepting that we all have a past that molds us into the person we are today and it's a constant battle of either putting it behind us or developing from it.

We get so consumed in the artificial aspects of what we want based on what we see that we almost completely forget what we need. In my observation throughout the last few years, I've noticed how I continuously have a false sense of what I need, based on all the things I've been taught or seen that I should expect. I also notice that I expect the world too fast, when I often have my walls as high as the great wall of China. Except that now, just like that wall, mine is old and battered and slowly crumbling...giving me specs of new light (please note I'm quite sure the Great Wall of China is not crumbling anytime soon lmao). New light & insight into myself and the things I wish to offer and mostly the things I wish to change about myself. Which in turn gives me a clearer picture of what I really need from a partner.

I read a quote today that sparked great thoughts & was a mini "A-Ha" moment...

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get-only with what you are expecting to give- which is everything"... 

Which reassured me that if nothing else I finally realized that the only person I can change is myself and I'm working on me, to give only the best of me and then see what comes from it, when I do in fact decide to give...everything. Whille again remembering not everyone gives everything right away, in fact most don't, including me.

I'm learning that fairy-tales are not stories, but feelings... It's the ability to acknowledge all the worst parts of yourself yet make an intent to work on it. It's being able to see past the difficulties and indulge in the goodness of it... it's deciding over & over again that you choose this bond over everything...

at least that's what I hope...

xoxo
signs the girl all in her feelings...clearly.

Loneliness

I never thought I'd be one of those people that's happy being alone. Most people that know me wouldn't know this about me. With the size of my family and the amounts of people I'm surrounded by, you'd think I'm rarely alone. But when I'm alone is when I'm happiest. A week or day that doesn't allow me moments to myself is one in which I become quite irritated and disoriented.

Being okay with myself was something I only forcefully discovered. I didn't plan it, I didn't aim for it... it just happened & I had to become okay with it. Until I fell in love with the time I spent with myself & now I'm not sure I know any other way (for now).

You see my road started in 2014 when I found myself in a new apartment & unemployed. My roommate was obviously working most of the day or at her boyfriends house most of the nights. So I found myself having to entertain myself. Having to be ok with the silence and the screams of my thoughts. As the weeks went by it became easier, until eventually it became my favorite state of being. The ability to sit in silence and be one with the seemingly stillness of the universe is an amazing feeling, that I've learned not everyone can handle. It was only after discovering that I could, that I discovered that so many couldn't or at least many simply didn't want to experience.

As I discussed life with a coworker they mentioned something that lingered in me & inspired this post. My mentor told me that the more time I spend alone, the larger my walls get. The more being alone becomes home, the less I'd want to leave there. That "Home" has to eventually become a place with someone else & to achieve that after considering yourself home, is a difficult barrier to get through.

& nothing sounded so accurate in my life...

You see, I find myself in a different place in my life. A place in which I do in fact want to adjust to life without as much time alone. I mean eventually down the line I'll have a family in which alone time is very scarce & rare. A life in which I have to bring in a partner and have THAT become my home & happy place. I'm noticing that this adjustment might be even more difficult than falling in love with myself...

I guess the first step is the desire to seek happiness outside of yourself. We are so often told you should find happiness within yourself, but they never tell you what to do once you do. They never tell you that once you discover how happy you make yourself, finding someone to add to it is beyond difficult. That you have built this magical place of bliss within yourself that you're scared to let anyone really in to tarnish it. Because that's all you know about other people, that they taint things & make them difficult. That they take space & require you to take from yourself & give to them... That in order for something to work you have to selflessly give parts of you... Taking from your "home" and adding to another...

I'm adjusting... mentally preparing for what may come one day... In a place where I am so ok with myself, that I'm ready to see what someone could offer.

I'd say I'm ready, but I guess we'll find out...

xoxo
signs the girl that made "loneliness" home...

The list...

The list of expectations...

Some of us have an actual list... others a mental list that they've created throughout the years

It's a list of things we look for in a partner. If you don't have a list take a minute now to think of some things you look for (even if you're currently with someone now, think of the list without thinking directly about them)... 

I'd show you my list, but it seems so personal & I'd feel very exposed somehow. Like BAM this is what I want, so I'll keep it to myself, while sharing as much on it as possible. Earlier this year I created my list, as to manifest this person. I didn't specify details, but a few general things that throughout the years I've found to truly desire in a person. I made this list because I realized that I had no specific outline of what I'm looking for. The list ranges from as silly as "dances" to as deep as "appreciates God". It's generally things we would hope for in someone we're sharing our time, energy & hearts with. You'd think with something that serious we'd be more careful in the selection process (by we, I mean ME).

But truth is, most of us adjust our list depending how much we like someone. We put our feelings above logic and cross things off while adding some others. Almost like we completely forget everything we wanted and work with what we got. I guess the real question now is, is it okay to do this? Is this what we're suppose to be doing? Should a list even exist?

I mean... I don't have the answers & you will definitely not find the answers here... I'm still trying to figure it out right now. I'm in the stage of adjusting my list, crossing somethings out while adding others, all while trying to figure out if this is really what I want. If it's truly suppose to be working out the way it is...

I am and forever will be (likely) a person that goes against most logic & follows my heart entirely. I'm a believer of doing what feels right. Even if right goes against your own list. Even if right doesn't always fit the mold. We often have a misconception that things should follow a certain life line of events. When in reality things are always just going to go, the way they are going to go. Either they will work or they won't. Some things happen in the matter of days, others take years... some start out picture perfect, others have bumpy smeared lines as beginnings... all beautiful & unique...all an experience...

So I guess what I'm saying is... what feels right is right...even if just for right now. The list is just a list. You might find someone that fits every section but you feel nothing for...then what?...

I'm learning as I go... adjusting my list... I guess we'll see if this one works out... I'll let you know soon enough...

xoxo
signs the girl who's making things work.