When good still feels bad...

I never considered myself a bitter or tainted person. I've been through my fair share of "bad" experiences. I've encountered my fair share of "ain't shit people" people that have wronged me in some way or other. People that didn't deserve my time of day but somehow I managed to give them more than that...

It's not until you have a decent thing going that you realize just how bad people messed you up. It's not until things are going right, that you realize just how much wrong you've been through. Simply because even the right things you proceed with suspicion...because you find yourself doubting even the kindest of gestures. Like your life has become a big game of, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because its bound to...because that's how life works, isn't it? God forbid something could be all the way good, right?

I find myself in that place right now, where good feels doubtful... where good is temporary & I shouldn't make a home out of it... a place where I'm setting myself up for what will go wrong, because something always will...right? I've been in false good places before, in situations where it felt all the way right and then BOOM.... it's not. So I almost don't hype myself up anymore, but you can't help but have a little bit of hope, like maybe this time?

I'm not bitter, but I'm tainted... I see the goodness in everyone's heart, but I'm also aware of how capable people are to try to prove that their wrongs aren't wrong at all. I've seen how easily people convince themselves that they are doing NOTHING wrong, when they in fact are. So I'm doubtful, I question my own judgement, over analyze & over think.  I take every gesture & thread lightly. I refuse to dive head first, when I'm aware that sometimes diving in is what's required to make things work.... that dipping in your toe far too long might lead to losing your chance at a potential good swim....

That I find myself so ready to be hurt, that I hurt myself in the process... so here's to letting good be good, despite how much bad you've been through...

no more waiting for the shoe to drop... just taking today & right now for what it is... and hope for the best without expecting the worst...

xoxo
signs the girl that needs to get out of her own head

The best in you...

I have this trait, that some days I wonder if I should shake off...& other times I think it's the best thing about me...

you see I have this odd ability to assume the best of everyone until proven otherwise...& even when I am proven otherwise, I try to rationalize their reasoning in doing what they did/do. I try to see the best in people despite the often fucked up things they do. If I care at all for you, or saw even an ounce of goodness, that ounce overflows to buckets & makes up for the bad you may or may not be doing.


People tend to always defend their actions, & not see the wrong in what they do, I too do that for them. I try to put logic to things that have no valid substance. No matter how much I force myself    (yes literally force) to see someone for the layer of "bad" that they have shown/proven... I dig & dig to see the layers of good that every single person does have. I'm a strong believer of that & try to find it in everyone that I know personally.

I guess I just don't think people are capable of some of the things that they indeed do. Given... I haven't been faced with too many situations where I'm interacting with a serial killer. So I can't say it's a super power... I simply mean the every day "bad", the liar, cheater, thief, etc.. Trust me, people in all walks of life have done fucked up things to me. But I'm just not that person who holds a grudge about it... I might not fully stick around, but I sure won't see you as a bad person, EVER. 

Some days I wonder if that's a good or bad thing... If I should hold people more accountable for their actions, if their should be consequences or I should continue to coddle them and make them feel there is indeed no wrong in their actions? That I let the universe take it's flow, with no doing of my own....

See I think all these things, while still fully believing, there is good in every one... that for every bad, there is some good... of some form... & I'll always highlight that

Soo you reading this... I will always see the best in you no matter what you do...

But I won't always stick around to witness it...not forever at least.

xoxo
Signs the girl that always hopes for the best

ready or not...it's here...the new year...

This beginning wasn't feeling quite right & I figured out why... I hadn't taken the time to truly genuinely reflect on 2017 & my ambitions/dreams/goals/motivators for 2018. It came & went the big NYE party & now as I shake the vacation autopilot mode off... It's time to take the wheel & get things moving. Set out to accomplish the things I fell short on, in 2017 & continue to progress in the areas I excelled.

What can I say about 2017... It was a good one. It had it's fair share of highs & lows, but for the most part it goes down as one in which all the growth that took place did not stem from a negative place, but more so purely internal organic growth. I lost some, I gained some & that holds true for jobs, men, friends & weight. In all cases me learning more about myself.

But let's do a run down of lessons learned...

• If you find yourself in a similar situation from the past, it's indeed the universe testing you... Doing the same exact thing will leave you in the same exact place. Even if in a different light.
• When you're too scared to jump, often the universe will push you & you'll land exactly where you're meant to. 
• Some people will try to convince you that what you know & see, isn't exactly what IS. Don't let them, a spade's a spade no matter what it tries to paint itself as. 
• Trust the process, you'll eventually figure out what you want, you'll wake up one day knowing. Literally 
• You never know where you'll find comfort. 
• New people can be amazing...
• Cutting people & situations off is absolutely necessary for growth
• Friendships will shift forms, that doesn't change it's purity 
• Being in your 30's does in fact change absolutely everything... at least how you view it 
• Working hard might feel like a lot, but it pays off in the long run
• Getting to your goals later than anticipated, does not change that amazing feeling once you actually do. 
• Boys will forever suck, you just have to decide which one gets your time. 

& finally...give yourself some damn credit every once in a while... you're doing good baby girl... and you don't need anyone to say it for you or to you....

As for 2018, I'm a bit disoriented but I'm ready... I know what I want & I know what I've worked towards & what I will work towards... 

so ready or not...it's here...

Happy New Year!!!

xoxo

Signs the girl kinda ready for 2018