Toxic Relationship PTSD

For those of you who do not know what PTSD stands for, it's "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

It's diagnosed on people who have lived through extreme traumatic experiences, not something to be ridiculed or belittled. Which is far from the intention of this post. More so to draw light into what I'm calling Toxic Relationship PTSD.

Before I get into it, I'll start with a disclaimer that I have been blessed with the relationships I have had in my life, as they have not been traumatic, more so always a learning experience. My "dating" experiences, well that's a whole other story. I and many people around me truly do suffer from this type of PTSD. It's experiences that have impacted us enough that any signs of it, causes an unexplained uneasiness, and often triggers an unmerited response. No two experience is ever a mirror of another, but from time to time you get flashbacks of those who have wronged you in some way and to avoid that feeling, you're defensive...immediately.

I'm still going through this, no matter how often my partner proves time & time again, that this is a whole other story, I still continuously have to pep talk myself down from an over reaction, due to things he doesn't even trigger, simply remembrance of my past. It's difficult to explain to someone who may have never experienced it. It's that feeling of jumping to conclusions simply because you refuse to fall for those type of things again, so now everything somewhat resembles the signs. EVERYTHING is a sign pretty much. "Oh, that was a sign, that I should walk away"... because walking away often seems like the easier thing to do.

It's a learning curve to date someone new, you have no idea what makes this person tick, you just know that you like them enough to figure it out. It's a growing pain, especially since most of us come in it with baggage. We come in sometimes resentful, often reserved & always ready for things to just go left. (because that's the direction you're use to things going).

But how do you get past this? How do you get past assuming this won't work out either?

When you figure it out, let me know, because I still don't know. lol

I'm still going through the growing pains, I'm still experiencing moments where I'm like "Fugz this shit"... still side eye him, still blame him for things he didn't even do. Still jump to conclusions and don't give him a chance to prove himself. I was judging him before I even figured out how his mind works (please note this is an ongoing process)

BUT I do less of it now. I give him a chance to fuck up, before I assume he will. I'm less pushy, and side eye him less, which in turn causes him to do more, to prove himself more, to be appreciated more.

I still haven't figured this whole thing out, and I don't know how it will turn out or work out. But for now I'm experiencing it, not comparing it to my past, not comparing it to anyone else experiences, setting expectations i'm not meeting aside. Embracing it's good until he fucks up.

I must say, It feels good to let go a little... it makes for a better ride & I really...really like this ride

xoxo
signs the girl recovering from PTSD.

The art of overthinking & sucking at it...

I'm quite certain I've perfected the act of overthinking. I've mastered not much else in life but the ability to over-analyze just about anything. From a casual statement a coworker makes in the pantry area, to a text a friend sends regarding anything. I'm usually fairly open about my overthinking ways when it comes to intimate relationships. What most people don't realize is that this is me in EVERY interaction in my life. I'm not entirely sure where it stems from, I'm just fully aware that it's something I do, & I do it often.

Again, I'm not sure where or how this started in my life, but from the day I could remember forming my own thoughts & opinions, I remember analyzing everything. I must also add, I SUCK AT IT. I'm pretty much wrong 75% of the time with the things I make up in my head. You'd think I'm watching a completely different series form the synopsis I give. Usually my stories have horrible endings & the whole world is out to get me... NO.IDEA.WHY.

I've lived a fairly blessed life, I've surrounded myself with my fair share of family & friends. I, like everyone else has been hurt by people... but the way I make shit up in my head you'd think I'm surrounded by deadbeats ONLY. Which is essentially far from the truth. I guess this is why I tend to shake these thoughts from my head & bring myself back to reality, But not before I've over-analyzed the situation long enough to disturb my own peace. No one disturbs my own peace, more than my own thoughts do.

As I write this I realize, "damn, girl you need therapy"... Because I definitely do. Not sure if it will help quiet down my brains trigger to read into everything, but won't hurt to try.

My relationship is a battle of it's own, the way I over-analyze a simple "ok" is definitely an annoying art. Nothing can just be what it is, everything must mean something else, because why wouldn't it? Maybe I watched too many teen dramas growing up, or read too many novels. But the way I jump to conclusions is almost comedic. Eventually one day I'll be right, and it will only take one instance for me to justify my thinking always.

I'm not intentionally this way... I much rather not be... but here we are, no surprise that the girl that writes too much, also thinks way too much. For the most part the thoughts I share with everyone else make sense. I've learned to leave my far out ideas to myself, because even I know when I sound a bit crazy. Usually people judge others by the thoughts you share about them, so to avoid that, I avoid sharing... But that leaves me often having to talk myself out of my own thoughts, which in turn does in fact make me feel like I have a problem....

I so often tell everyone to stop thinking so much & let the universe work as it should. I tell people that we give power to our negative thoughts & manifest them... Yet, I do this on a daily basis... I'm basically an overthinking hypocrite... But I'm working on that...

well that was a lot... hope that made some sense....let me know...

xoxo
signs the girl that thinks enough for everyone...