Be Honest

Honesty. 

I've recently made the discovery that I'm quite the fraud. I'm fake. With the wrong people. At the wrong times & the completely wrong way.

Basically I do everything wrong. ::welp::

The only thing I manage to do right in life is the ability to be extremely open to recognizing my flaws. Not because I put myself down, but because I'm really big on self reflection & well aware the things around us are directly related to our own actions & energy...

with that said...

I'm a fraud.

I'm quite good at showing all of my subtle, "not that serious" emotions, way too good actually. I know how to make a 2.5 into a 10. But when my feelings are actually a 10, I'm good at making them look like a 2.5. WHY?! 
I've yet to discover why I show my sentiments sooo ass backwards. Then I sit and wonder how things go from 0-100 in certain situations... REAL QUICK. 
I need to take a course, a class of sorts that show you the art of showing exactly what you feel. I don't intentionally shelter my heart, & I don't intentionally act extra, where extra isn't required.

I want the seemingly complicated ability to love & show that love. To appreciate & show appreciation. In moderate levels & to the indicated people. I'm good at showing all these fake emotions, but none of the real ones. So I have people I love, thinking I dislike them, & the people I have minor feelings for, thinking I love them... The fugz...
I need some help pronto.

I also need to admit my own feelings to myself. I'm good at saying "nah, I don't care that much", when deep down I'm a mess & care THAT MUCH.

Man Listen... I need to get my thoughts, emotions/feelings together...

ASAP...

xoxo
Signs the fake.

Solo...

Solo

Felt the sudden urge to write about him...

DIVINO...DAVE...SOLO...

DAVID.

A man of many names, of many characters.

The biggest heart I've ever known. The wildest spirit which I had the honor of sharing a pure friendship with. 

When we met, I never thought he would have such a huge impact on my life, before & after his death. Never knew I'd be celebrating his life 7 years after his passing. Never knew you'd be the one I turn to in my saddest, darkest & happiest moments. Never knew he'd change the way I view the world to this very day. 

I have lost many people in my life. Have seen & felt the effect of death of many. But somehow this one left the biggest impact. Not because the love was greater, not because its closer...

I've lost far greater & far closer..

BUT YOU... 

you still haunt me to this day. I still feel your presence constantly around me, as if you are always watching. As if you still know exactly when I need someone there. 

I could share all the spiritual experiences, but this post isn't about that.

It's simply about remembering you. It's about saying out loud that I know you're here some how.

It's about a public thank you. It's about saying that for right now, I'm ok... 

Most people don't believe, & that's quite alright. No one else has to. & as crazy as it sounds, it's not about anyone else understanding.

I miss you friend. & I'd give anything to hear que hubo princesa, once more...

xoxo

-Signs me. 

Hola Bebe...

::Insert Nicky Jam Lyrics Here::

I'm a sucker for words!!!

NOT the generic "Babe" or "You have an amazing smile" ::eye roll::
But deep,make my heart melt, little things, if said by the right person at the right time...
Some people have a way with not only saying the right things, but saying them the right way...

& I, have a way of melting...

I'm not a mushy person (only after 3-4 drinks), I do not usually say exactly what I feel (when it's too mushy) & I rarely say the right things the right way.

I have a way of making even a compliment sound like an offense...
& making a simple I miss you, sound suspect.

Maybe that's why when it's done right...
I melt.

& maybe that's why most people aren't "nice" to me. I'm quite difficult to be nice to. & I'm trying to change that, because I want to be nice, I want to say & hear nice things... Genuine things...  I want to speak the words that my heart truly sings, & be that person I usually roll my eyes at...


So with that said...

Hola Bebe...


xoxo

-Signs the hidden mush....

WTF...

I'm having a real, WTF moment...
I've managed to truly mind fugz myself this time.

you see...
I.
Like most children (of  age 28), when told NO, it makes me want MORE.
Most people grow out of this phase.
I have discovered that I've simply mastered the art.
I take it up as a challenge, & go head on, do not surrender until I'm satisfied with the new YES...

Bruhhh... It's dumb, exhausting & quite childish.

But.

Somehow...

I can't stop.

Literally,

I physically

CAN.NOT.STOP!

I've ran out of excuses for myself. I've ran out of reasons why I do it, or the true purpose. I've pretty much surrendered to myself and my insane antics. I thought for a second that I had developed the ability to know "what I deserve" (I dislike the phrase, because who the F am I? lol)... but yes, I guess I haven't exactly learned & have a few lessons I need repeat courses in.

I guess I'm stubborn, I guess I like things that are complicated. I like things that make me question myself. I like not being given things on a golden platter, because so much of my life I've been granted so much. Maybe I like struggle, I like the feeling of putting in work...

or maybe..

I'm just emotionally DUMB. At least my heart is. My brain is well aware of the nonsense.
well. aware...

I have never given myself this many pep talks, this many sit downs with myself to gather my thoughts & my "next steps"... only to laugh at myself soon after like "B***H you thoughhttt"...

In conclusion...

WTF?!


XoXo
-signs the girl that needs a prayer lol...

Dating..meh

I could probably write all day about modern day dating, (or new age "talking to someone")...
so many angles to take it. (eee--yooo)

Is it weird that people seem to have been more open to commitment when we were younger. Now that we "should be", everyone is fully about that non committal life. Like no titles is the safest approach. Like we were all let down from our previous commitments that everyone unanimously decided, no strings attached was best.

The F**k! 

...It's complicated out in these streets... to say the least.

So many factors to deal with,

• ex's
• families
• friends
• social media
• previous experiences
• childhood traumas
• new age thinking

the list could go on & on... as humans we're complex, and the reality is, in your 20's you're still trying to figure yourself out, so the chances of you ever figuring someone else out is never going to truly happen... (My parents have been married for 37 years, my mom is still trying to figure my dad out)... 

I personally don't date that much, not because I don't want to, (because trust me I sure like being wined & dined)... but because I rarely like anyone. I love people, don't get me wrong, I'm the furthest thing from a loner... BUT when it comes to that connection, that attraction... it's absolutely rare for me. I instantly know when I do or do not like someone in that way. Therefore, I'm not exactly out & about, making love connections every weekend, because I don't even give it a chance. 

I wouldn't say I'm picky, (more like my heart is) I don't have a list that must be followed, I just go with a instant feeling... if I don' feel it, it's not happening buddy... 

but where was I... ah, yes...why dating is complicated... (more complicated than I am)...

What I feel has definitely made modern day dating a bit different than "back in the day", is how open minded people have become about... 

...SEX. 

It's no longer taboo... being a prude is rarity these days. Not sex for the purpose of love & procreation, but down & dirty bend me over & call me papi...SEX. 

Women are no longer afraid of it, men no longer have to work as hard for it... It's available, it's out there and in some cases people cut the dating part out and go straight to the fun stuff... 

But how do you go from the "fun stuff" to the serious stuff... How do you possibly take step backwards? How do you build a solid foundation in something that was initiated in-between flimsy cotton sheets... 

When you figure it out... let me know..

xoxo

signs the girl that isn't about this life

Ohh...

I'm friendly.
I enjoy human interaction.
I easily get along with people because I exude so much energy.
positive,
wholesome,
let me embrace you...
energy.

It's only in the last year or so, that I've realized my energy shouldn't always be shared with everyone. That I shouldn't entirely embrace...
everyone.
That not everyone will take my energy the way I would like it to be received. That I can only control what I put out, not how its perceived. It's not always taken the right way, but then again, what is the right way but a relative interpretation of a "way".
I've missed judge my own actions. Mostly because for a very long time, I didn't care (& still don't fully care) how my actions were interpreted. I only gave an explanation where an explanation deemed necessary. Again, relative to me when the necessary occurred or who mattered enough to me that their interpretation mattered.
But... as of late, I've hit the pause button...because I'm debating the concept of taking into consideration how my actions are being perceived & if it should in fact matter.

At least a little.

We are in fact on this earth among others. I am not the center of the galaxy, no matter how much I rather think otherwise. In the end people run with their perception as matter of fact, & they act based on what they think. Which in turn leads to possibly doing things that I wouldn't agree with. Or doing things that leave me completely in shock. But I'm truly a self reflective person & decided it was time to look at which one of my actions lead to a reaction.

The power of self reflecting (true genuine unbiased reflection) is immense. You realize a lot, and sometimes an "ah-ha" moment is simply an "oh shit" moment. Which is the one I had today.
Oh-Shit, that's why this happened... and a task often even more difficult than self-reflection...is actually doing something to change...

so that's where I am today... I'm in the..."will I actually change" stage... Figuring out how cautious I will be with the energy I'm putting out and how much I will actually care moving forward...

I guess we'll see...

xoxo
-Signs- OH SHIT...

Still Dancing...

It is absolutely necessary in life to know where you are no longer wanted. 

It avoids sooo many hurt feelings and issues. 

----

I am very much aware of my surroundings, 

I am the type of person that knows what a situation is and continues to rock with it, 

until I've decided I'm over it. 

I'm stubborn to an extent. 

It's like the party isn't over until I stop dancing...

&, I'm still dancing...

the music is pretty much mute... most of the guest have left, and the rest have started picking up their things... 

but, I'm still dancing...

It's not that I'm not aware the party is pretty much over... it's simply that I'm not over the party. 

I dance to the beat of my own drum, 

in every sense. 

It might make me seem a bit nutty. It might make me seem silly... 

but it's all me. 

It's how I function and how I deal with situations. 

Some may say it's like "watering a dead plant" or "beating a dead horse"... 

I say... 

it's dealing with it until I can't quite deal anymore. 

So, I'm still dancing... 

I will dance until I feel I've enjoyed every bit of this party, I will dance until I've captured every moment. I will dance until I'm so worn out, I have no choice but to stop.

Even when the party is over...

I'm still dancing...

you see my party never ends...

I simply dance...

until the next one.

xoxo
Signs the girl that never stops...

Climax

I am a believer of energy...

It's contagious...

It's engulfing. 

It's gravitating... 

You engulf me.
from a distance.
you swallow me whole.

takes days to recover from the short lived whirlwind of energy that breezes by from time to time. 

but like most things, I'm unable to pinpoint the many reasons why....
how it could create a complete imbalance in my day to day

your energy.
from a distance
it's contagious.

Thrown off center,
or the center I'm constantly inching to reach. 

it only seems to happen in certain instances. 

It only happens when your energy is synced with mine and I'm made aware of your presence. 

when you knock on my door...
from a distance
I drown

I know my words make no sense right now, and it's a puzzle piece that I have yet to figure out.
A bunch of pieces I can not explain. 

A book that is a collection of short stories

with unexplained beginnings, middle, or ends...

but always a climax...

from a distance

you move me

Why continue to try to explain...

I'll wait for the next short story...

until the next turning point...

xoxo

-Signs the girl that makes no sense

What is this?

I'm always quite in tune with my feelings. Always very self aware of the sentiments of my heart. I'm usually not aware of much else.

But...

For the first time... (ever possibly), I have no idea what the intentions of my heart & head are at the moment. 

I keep thinking & feeling one thing, & doing the polar opposite. My head & heart have never agreed in quite anything, and the one time they seemingly do. I don't follow their guidance. 

& I don't quite understand why. 

I'm in a funny place.

Where I just want to run with it, see where it takes me...

VS 

stop that shit right now baby girl....

I've been in that place, plenty of times, but only when I knew exactly what my heart desired. Never otherwise. 

this... 

this is the otherwise. 

What's keeping me here? 

It's an unsettling feeling...To not be in tune with the only part of myself I've always been connected fully to. I'm a follow your heart kind of gal, so why is my heart being so silent, & my actions 

soo...

loud.

Why am I still trying to see where this takes me, when I've already been made fully aware where this is leading..

unless I don't know...

even that sounds silly to me, made myself laugh with the thought, because I do know...

SO,WHAT IS THIS?

Guess I'll find out...

XOXO

-Signs the girl that isn't sure, but mehh... 

Week by Week

You never really know where life will be week by week. 

While it feels like so many things are monotonous & that nothing really changes...

It does. 

everything does. 

Some weeks, I patiently wait for what the next will bring, simply because I'm not too fond of present day. I remain positive simply by understanding that all things are temporary and that the overused saying "this to shall pass"

... is so accurate. 

So some days, 

I just wait. 

wait patiently through the minor storm and gently hold my breath till the situation is different. Until I no longer feel the things I do. 

Until the occurrences of today, suddenly become issues of yesterday and eventually a simple, "oh, remember that."

I know the feeling way too well to let myself get too consumed in the right now. 

even though essentially right now is all that matters, some today's you have to think of tomorrow in order to get by.

So today... I'm daydreaming about tomorrow...Ready for the new feeling of monotonous filled days, with a billion little changes...

but for right now...

I'm gently holding my breath... 

xoxo

-Signs the girl ready for next week...

Thought Bubbles

From time to time, I consume myself with a variety of thoughts. 

Thoughts that come at me like traffic during rush hour. 

I'm not too good at silencing them, it's as if the more I try, the louder they get. 

I'm an over thinker by nature, so when you give me something to think about it's like a volcanic eruption in my brain. In which all my suppressed old thoughts come rushing out, along with every single new one. 

& that's where I drown.

That's were I become mentally imbalanced... 

That's where I'm a chaotic mess inside. 

That's where I become completely off center. 

& I just want them to go away.

Suppressing yet another set of memories. Putting away another photo album in my brain. 

I go through sessions of "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind"... 

where I selectively eliminate memory triggers, where I weed out all the things that will make me remember. 

But in order to selectively forget, you have to remember.

Remember every single memory....

Remember every single detail.

Purposely make your stomach turn with the good & the bad.

Having moments where you wonder if you'll be able to forget.

but like all things...

eventually...

you do.

Those memories stop having substance

they become distant

they become faded.

thoughts, that like bubbles, 

dissipate into tiny particles 

...that have no effect on you...

xoxo,

signs a soon to be spotless mind. 

Self inflicted

I've noticed people, (myself included) tend to stay in bad situations.

Things that cause mental, emotional, even physical pain. 

When asked "Why do you stay", a clear answer is not always really given. 

Probably because it's never clear why we do it.

We don't always understand how we can be fully aware something is bad for us, yet continuously make the conscience decision to stick around. 

But as some point we must take responsibility for the situation, whatever harm is being caused is essentially self inflicted. We all make decisions and staying is the decision you have made, no one else. 

This is obviously easier said than done. It's easier to sit here and say "JUST WALK AWAY"... not knowing the many invisible ropes that tie you to the situation. 

But only the things you accept continue to happen. 

Not sure where we all obtained this masochist trait. Where deep down everyone likes to feel , even if that feeling is pain. 

I'm just not about that life anymore.

No energy to entertain what is doing nothing for me.

Stop concealing bone deep wounds with temporary band aids...

time & time again.

xoxo

-Signs the girl that loves herself too much

Be careful what you wish for...

"Law of Attraction"- 

1. Thoughts attract corresponding situations and circumstances.
2. You get what you think about.
3. You attract into your life whatever you focus on.

I've heard a lot of talk about this whole "Law of Attraction"

 was never a full believer.

Till now.

Until it seemed everything I consistently asked for, I was getting. 

Doesn't sound too bad when you put it that way. Until you become well aware that you shouldn't even want half the things you ask for.

Which has now made me extremely cautious with what kind of energy and desires I put out there.

We seemingly do in fact get what we want, just sometimes we learn its not at all what we truly need.

I've learned this a few times in the last couple of years. I've learned that we don't always know what we want, we simply assume that it might work. 

That things that work, just do, with or without your consent. 

I've been truly analyzing what I'm putting out in the universe. Trying to decide what my needs are versus my desires, because good isn't always so good. 

I've now understood that I've only been looking at the surface, not looking into details that truly make worlds of a difference. 

So, I'm paying attention to the details. Taking a deeper look at what I truly need

being extra careful what I wish for...

because I do in fact always get it.

xoxo

-Signs the girl that knows what she doesn't want

Drowning in shallow waters

I realized a few days ago, that I really yearn for something.

I couldn't put my finger on what exactly, but I think I figured it out. 

I yearn to feel...

I yearn for a feeling so deep I can possibly drown in it.

I've been swimming in shallow waters for some time now, mostly because I had to catch my breath. 

Had to compose my thoughts and figure myself out.

Took a while.

But here I am now. Realizing my desire to feel. 

not to say I've been numb all this time...

...

but close enough

if you know me, you're well aware the magnitude of my heart. 

I pretty much can fit nations in my soul. 

But as of late, it's been feeling a bit... 

empty...

Craving the sensations of being all in my feelings. 

Like I've been so timid to drown in them, that now I want to dive head first from the tallest mountain into a bottomless ocean of emotions.

So much so

that I try to dive in the shallowest waters, 

well aware that it's a 3 feet pool...

then wonder how I hit my head.

Now that I'm aware what I'm craving,
I will stop drowning in shallow waters and seek the deepest ocean...

close my eyes...

& jump

xoxo

-signs the girl that realizes what she wants...