Crazy

Disclaimer: I swear I'm not a crazy latina...

I've grown to loath the term "crazy".
It's used so loosely these days, a quick way to label a possibly emotional individual.

Given,some people sure do things out of the "norm" and are a bit extra. 
But essentially everyone has a valid reason for the things they do or say, they just might not express it in the best form.

by they
I mean ME.

I've been called crazy a decent amount of times in my life.
Mostly because I hold nothing back, I have no filter...
If I feel it , it's being shared.
PERIOD.

Maybe this makes me selfish.
I don't hold things in for the benefit of someone else.
I don't hold back because of how it may make the other person feel.
At that very moment, what I feel is what's priority to me
& I say it,
ALL OF IT....
PERIOD.

and then I regret it...
ALL OF IT...

because truth is,
not all things are meant to be shared,
some feelings are quite passive and expressing them isn't always necessary.

So maybe I loath this term so much because it describes so many of my passive sentiments, because it depicts perfectly the way my feelings work.
I'm crazy passionate
I'm crazy emotional
I'm crazy dramatic

but in the end...

these "crazy" moments simply mean I care...
I care too much possibly...

xoxo

-Signs the girl whose heart is crazy 

Useless Carry-on

I'm unsure why some of us do this to ourselves.

We drag around a heavy heavy heavy carry-on.

A carry-on filled with absolutely useless stuff, a carry-on that would be perfectly fine if we left it in the gutter.

Why carry it then? 

Why continue to drag something that in the end is that "insignificant"? 

If it does nothing for you, why bring it along for the trip... 

No, really, someone tell me, I need answers! 

It's as if we pack a bag with things that eventually will become useful to us. But what are the chances that something that simply makes your trip ahead a little more burdensome, miraculously becomes useful? 

I've learned that it doesn't. But we become so accustomed to things, even the most uncomfortable things, that eventually we simply can't just leave it behind. 

So I figured the only real solution is unpacking one item at a time... lighten the load until eventually you have nothing left to carry... 

and then essentially..you can carry on. 

xoxo

-signs the girl with less to carry

The Search

Somewhere along the line I turned 28... 

Almost like I woke up one day and was no longer 21. 

While in some instances it feels like it happened over night. 

When I look back at all the things that happened... 

well,

It feels more like an eternity. 

One of the positive things of being an over-thinker, (which if you didn't know by now, I over think everything).. is being able to look back and reflect a lot... 

a whole lot. 

doing this you observe your many journeys and reflect on the person you were and are. 

& LORD have I changed.

It's almost like I'm worlds apart from that girl I use to be. 

so much so, 

if they were to meet today, they might not even be friends. 

ekkk!!

At some point in my journey, I felt that was a bad thing, like I wasn't a fan of the person I was becoming. Simply because things just weren't as easy anymore. 

BUT. 

I learned

that life never gets easier (For anyone), that doesn't mean you should be more like the person you were. It simply means the things you've been through have made you who you are today. 

& I think I'm starting to be okay with her. 

HER.

That girl now woman who still hasn't figured it all out, but has finally accepted that life is a constant search, its a constant evolution. & I'll always be morphing, growing and changing.

One day my old self & my new self will morph into my better self...

for now

I like her.

xoxo

-Signs the girl thats still searching 

"Woe is me"

It's human nature to complain. It's natural to sometimes drown in life happenings...

BUT

There's absolutely levels to that ish.

I've been known to be a bit dramatic myself and an over reactor of sorts, I dwell in my life occurrences, but I soon enough get over it, as if it never happened (meaning it probably wasn't that serious to begin with, but when is it ever?). 

I cross the bridge, put on my big girl panties and move on.

Some folks though...

Like to swim in the deep oceans of self pity, so long that they eventually tire out & drown.

I am no one to judge any-ones situation, & I can definitely not judge the strength of someone else heart. Truth is, we all have different pain tolerance, physically & emotionally. So what may hurt for one person, may not for another. 

But again... REALLY? That serious? 

Sometimes I want to shake people up and remind them that the world is filled with sooo much grief and sadness. That counting blessings truly does make you shut up the second you feel sad about something as insignificant as your long term boyfriend cheating. 

YES, it's sad & it hurts. 

"But did you die?"

That's how I choose to see situations now, if I'm still walking, breathing, thinking & communicating after it. It probably wasn't that life altering.

At least not enough to keep you down for long. 

AGAIN... 

I can not judge a persons heart. 

I can only tell you the things I feel. 

& what I feel at the moment is that I'm quite blessed...

&...

It's never that serious...

So I need to stop making it that. 

build a bridge eliz :)

xoxo

-Signs the girl leaving the pity party

Letting Go

Such a complex loaded term for me. The action of letting go. Seems like its the solution to so much, & it's the one thing I can't manage to ever do. I hold on tight to things, grab it with my entire heart. Geniuely. 

So letting go seems...foreign...

How can you truly let go of something you at some point put so much into. Not to say I don't move forward. I do, I go on with my life & continue on with my merry way. BUT the parts that are connected to my past, seem to always be. Probably because I keep so much of my past, present. Like I try to play a trick on destiny & just morph situations. Change & adjust them to fit into my present day. 

Now, the questions is, will I always do this? Will I keep everyone & everything around for keepsake? 

I'm a hoarder of sorts, I keep "people" around even when I have no use for them anymore. Even when I know that whats done is done. 

Are my efforts what keeps the world by me, or is destiny letting me know my lessons with said people aren't over?

Is it fate that keeps all these people /things around or is it my excessive efforts? 

Guess I'll have to sit back & find out, while I loosen my grip a little. 

Xoxo

-signs the girl that never really lets go

Young & Divorced

::welp::

Divorce- a complete separation between two things

It's like joining a secret society. 

Some people bond over hobbies and similar interest. 

Others...

over a common life changing experience.

I chuckle with the reality that a lot of people I know don't even know I was married.

Like it was a great big secret...

I guess not as big a secret as the fact that I'm divorced. 

I'm 28 & Divorced 

a pill.

quite difficult to swallow.

BUT.

I finally did.

I let go of all the negative connotation attached to the experience. 

I let go of the bitter feeling it leaves in your heart 

I let go of the doubt of it possibly being a mistake 

I let go of thinking I did something wrong...

I let go.

& that's exactly what divorce really is. It's the complete separation between two things. 

It's deciding, "Hey, this isn't working, lets end it". 

(Just add a few dollar signs, court visits, lawyer consultations, & 100 arguments in between)

It's taking yet another leap of faith just like the day you decided to make this union.

Except this time.

you do so alone...

a bit battered & even more so unsure of whats to come. 

But you do so knowing so much more about yourself.

letting go of the badge of shame & carrying a new badge of knowledge...

you learn more about yourself than you ever thought you would. 

eventually you realize

this is exactly what you were suppose to do... & it was worth every hurdle it took to get there.

Not everyone gets the chance to start over.

I did.

xoxo

-Signs the girl that finally let go

Drunk Pen Pal...

"what u doing"

Three simple words that after a few drinks becomes a long thread of misinterpreted gibberish. 

I've developed the unhealthy habit of keeping all my inner thoughts and saving them for the exact moment I've had one too many cups...

& this is where you come in... 

My drunk pen pal

The person at the receiving end of my nonsense, 

the one who remembers all the details that I conveniently forget. 

The one that knows too much, yet, so little of what my sober thoughts mean spelled out in drunken words...

& again, this is where you come in

To take in the words I'm not even aware I'm saying. 

To either ignore or reciprocate with words I'll never remember.

& this is where you come in

giving me the chance to be on the receiving end of like text...

 To be in your drunken thoughts from time to time. 

To hear the gibberish, that only I will remember. 

To hear the nonsense that for a brief night makes complete sense to me. 

Secretly wishing your drunken words were your sober feelings. 

That your 2am matched your 2pm.

& this is where you come in

to remind me that all I have is a drunk pen pal... 

that the inebriated words

are simply drunken secrets 

...never to be uttered sober...

Signs,

-The girl with a drunk pen pal...

Farewell...

Goodbyes are never easy. Even the anticipated ones. The ones we saw coming, the ones we've waited days, weeks, months or years for. For some reason when it's time... you do so with a tiny inch of hesitation...

You hold your breath...& count to three...

In some situations, we are faced with steps, steps that with every one taken we are given the opportunity to take back your goodbye. It's like having to say farewell, over & over again. 

Like God is whispering... "Are you sure"... 

Today, again, I said... I'm sure. 

It's always an empowering feeling to make a decision and stick to it. It's liberating to know you made a decision based on what you felt, despite what it may look like to the rest of the world. You stepped outside your comfort zone and did what you felt was best for you. Often we stay in situations, simply because it seems so much easier. Simply because we don't want to deal with the goodbye and the many hello's to come. 

Usually people don't know the feeling of an end (made by choice). They fear the many unknowns that follow. They fear that awkward feeling of starting over. They fear losing routine (la costumbre mata) & starting new ones. They fear the regret that follows, because regret is a natural feeling...

I hesitated... I prolonged, had moments of regret...

but nothing has ever felt as right as this farewell.

So today... once again... I proved that some parts of me are fearless...

& that I do know how to let go...

xoxo

-Signs the girl ready to say hello... 

Chandelier

      

Sometimes certain songs seem to describe the very core of what your heart feels. Reminds you that we are all humans and in essence our souls often sing the same tune.

Whenever I have an...interesting night (to say the least)... Mixed with whirlwind of emotions, I tend to listen to "Chandelier - Sia".... Taking in every word... 

You see, I myself try to believe "party girls, don't get hurt, can't feel anything"... The song perfectly describes what it is to numb feelings with a good time and 1 too many drinks. How we sometimes hide the many emotions we feel behind laughs and simply doing the most. Always to find out soon after that nothing can really numb your heart & eventually you have to face reality. Whatever that reality might be. 

"Sun is up, I'm a mess | gotta get out now, gotta run from this | here comes the shame, here comes the shame..." 

It's like the second you sober up, you're reminded that nothing has changed, & nothing was fixed. If you're anything like me, you probably feel worst, because you probably did a series of things you wish you could take back.... IE: drunk calls, texts, said a bunch of stuff you shouldn't have, etc etc.... The Suns up now, & as much as you blacked out the night before, it doesn't quite black out emotions.  

I have many stories, plenty to fill many pages... None I wish to share at the moment. But I'm often the epitome of that girl... The one that smiles the brightest, but simply hides behind the smile. Mostly because I'm a believer of staying positive, of pushing through the best way you know how, with no complaints. I can be a lot of things, but I'm not a woes me person. I don't ask for hugs (because I'm not entirely a fan)....

But I admit, some days, I need one... 

Xoxo

-signs the party girl 

Unfollow

I have mentioned before my unhealthy relationship with social media. It's a major part of my day to day. It's a small window into people you know, people you rarely know & people that you used to know. 

I'm also convinced social media doesn't let you miss people, it gives a false sense of day to day interaction. That sometimes you even forget the distance & time that has gone by without real human connection. 

I'm all about posting selfies, sharing life events & giving everyone a personal look into things that matter to me. 

But... I've learned. Not everyone deserves a chance to have a look through that window. 

I am absolutely horrible at letting go & I've learned social media only makes that even harder. It keeps a visible string attachment to things & people you shouldn't be linked to anymore. Seeing things that effects your mood... 

So I've learned the power of unfollowing... It's my sense (even if false sense) of truly letting go. It's like quietly saying "you don't get the privilege of looking through my window anymore"... It matters to some people, to others, not too much... 

But thats also when you figure out who wants to be in your life. It's when you find out who was looking & wanted to truly see. 

I do this to gain power back. To choose the things I want around me. To decide who gets to look in. To cut that visible string of social media & figure out what other strings connect us...

Xoxo

-Signs the girl thats cutting ties 

Give me ATTENTION!!

INTRO:
I'm a believer of the zodiac. 

No, I don't read my daily horoscope, or play my lucky numbers based on how the stars are aligned. (if that's even a thing)...
BUT.

YES.

I do ask a person "what's your sign", almost immediately after I ask for their name, 

or a subtle, "when's your birthday" (it's never because I'm planning to get you a gift) 

I don't pass immediate judgement based on their answer, but I do take several mental notes (& if it's someone of romantic interest, I do some compatibility research) 

The point is, I believe.

So back to the REAL point...

Me.

I'm a LEO! 

::throws confetti in the air, pounds chest, throws gang signs::

almighty king of the jungle. 

& I must say, God sprinkled a little extra dose of "attention seeker" when he made me.

BRUH... 

If I could have a parade for me outside my house when I wake up to go to work in the morning,

I'd set it up. 

As the baby of the house, this was never a problem, life was my parade. 

At 28 years old... ehhh

the parades over.

But I find myself time & time again needing attention from just about everyone. The guy at the bodega making my coffee, the girl at the front desk of the dentist, my friend from JHS that I haven't seen in 10+ years... simply put.

EVERYONE.

& truth be told

Ain't nobody got time for that. 

That can really take a toll on a girl like me.
The less attention I get, the more I go around looking for it, in the completely wrong places. I use to deny this about myself before. Refused to accept that I was one of those people.
BUT LAWD, every inch of me is like that.

The good thing about acknowledging your downfalls, is you are more consistent in looking for a solution. I'm currently working on understanding that people have other things to do, aside from entertaining me 24/7. That no one does or ever will breath, sleep & eat Eliz.
::sigh::

& that's ok.

xoxo

-Signs the girl that requires TOO much attention

Never Say Never

My roommate & I have an ongoing joke, that God listens to our conversations & takes note. Every single time we start a sentence with "I would never"... BOOM, we're tested & shown, that we sure as heck would. 

Time & Time again, I've been forced to swallow my words & found myself in predicaments I claimed I never would. 

An example:

Something I've claimed- "I would never continue talking to a guy after I found out he's been with someone else"

500 text, 200 calls later... :::eh I can explain?:: 

You see, the reality of it is, we never know what we would do or not do until push comes to shove. You can assume a lot of your actions, but its only in the heat of the moment when every single inch of you is involved. That's when you know what you would or would not do. & that's when you do or don't do it. (That thing you kept claiming) 

It's human nature to judge the actions of others, mostly because as an innocent bystander you think of all the things "you would do in the situation" (or mostly hope you would do). 

But. Again. 

It's easy to detach yourself from something & analyze  it when you have zero to lose. 

I'm the first to admit I'm a walking contradiction. My feelings & opinions change practically on a daily. Experiences continually change my views on a variety of things. It's just something that continues happening with age. What mattered so much before, doesn't so much anymore. Our decisions prove that. 

So I stopped saying never, or for the most part, I continue to say things like I'd never date a midget & I'm still waiting for the day I fall in love with one.

But, I hold my tongue a lot more now. I stop myself from judging a situation I've never been in. Mostly because I've learned too many times that I don't know shit.  

& you don't either

Xoxo

-signs that girl that learned never is around the corner 

::Disclaimer: didn't mean any offense to midgets.::

Word Vomit..

I have this illness called "Word Vomit"...

It's my inability to hold in my thoughts/words. Blood rushes to my brain & I become flushed... Then BOOM, it all comes rushing out. 

Sometimes its as simple as an inappropriate joke & others its as complicated as telling someone how much they've hurt me & suck. 

But, each. &. every. time... 

I'm left with an "Oh, Shit" expression on my face immediately after. Mostly because , I rarely have any intention of saying all the things I do. It's like the little voice in my head takes over my body & yells at the top of her lungs. (Clearly I'm confessing to being clinically insane)... 

Some things are definitely better left unsaid. I've yet to master the art (as you will soon learn, I've mastered close to nothing in my lifetime). I've yet to learn how to simply stay quiet. I've yet to learn that not everyone could handle my thoughts., I've yet to learn, that most of the time, my rambled thoughts won't make sense to anyone. 

Those who know me well, have mastered a few things... 

1) how to decipher the gibberish coming out of my mouth 

2) how to accept that I don't always fully mean what I say & that I just simply needed to put the thoughts out there 

3) That my intentions are pure...as messed up as they may seem sometimes. 

Mastering my word vomit takes years of tolerance & a lot of TLC. I'm the meanest, yet biggest baby you'll ever meet. Kicking & screaming, simply means...hold me.  

I stopped writing for many reasons, taking my sporadic thoughts to linger in my heard or worst, on twitter. Leaving me overflowing with things I needed to express & couldn't quite find how to. 

I'm working on this illness. Due to the endless headaches, heartaches & general aches it has caused my life & the life of those around me. Especially those I'm closest to.  

I'm working on a filter, for my brain, my mouth & my heart. Let's face it, most people can't handle the raw reality of me... 

Xoxo

-signs the girl working on her problem 

Every action has a reaction...

"You reap what you sow"

mehh

Basically.

Every single decision you make in life comes with a series of results or consequences. Things that not only effect you, but those around you. Some of which you see instantly, other things only noticed in retrospect. 

It's human nature to blame everything & everyone, but yourself, for everything that happens. Trust me, I've had my fair share of, "that happened because Becky was a cunt, period".... Only to realize "ohhhh, I was the one that took Beckys pencil, never returned it & then lost it..." 

But for my own sake, lets stick to Becky was a cunt. 

It's soo much easier to notice the decisions & results of everyone else. Possibly because self reflection is often overwhelming & complicated. 

While observing is easy. We do that naturally & without trying. 

About a year or 2 ago (or yesterday, who's counting) I found myself in a few predicaments which I was forced to finally (wo)man up & accept that my decisions led me exactly where I was then & where I am today. 

Unfortunately it's still a work in progress. 

It's still a matter of making a conscience decision to take blame for the fire pits I constantly find myself in. 

I do this often now. 

Except now its created a whole other set of issues. Like looking around me & wanting to shake people & yell "YOU CHOSE THIS". 

Obviously I don't. 

1) who the heck am I to tell anyone that, 

2) I don't have energy for all that, I have my own issues to deal with. 

You'd think knowing all this, I'd make better decisions. (I Don't). I'm just aware of what & where my decisions will lead me. (Apparently I find fire pits particularly cozy). 

I still have to shake myself up from time to time...

"Maturity" to me, is not doing everything right, it's accepting the things you've done wrong & working on them. 

In the end, do whatever the heck you want. truth is, I do & everyone does anyway.

BUT

be aware that whatever the heck you want, often comes with a whole bunch of "what the fuck"s...

stuff you don't particularly want. 

xoxo

-Signs the girl that doesn't have it at all together

Sip Slow & Let it flow...

As some of you may or may not know, 

I have not yet mastered the art of going with the flow. I play the role well, but when push comes to shove, I start rowing, rowing vigorously (OFTEN against the current)

While this doesn't always sound like a bad idea...

Truth is.

IT IS! 

While it often feels like life is pulling you in all types of directions, the reality of it is, you're continuously going with the current towards one direction. 

SO..

No matter how much you row against it...

chances are...

you're ending up, exactly where you were destined to, except now you get there a bit tired & battered because you were rowing sooo long against it. 

I've officially given my oars a rest. 

(No I didn't throw them away, lets face it, I'm still me.) 

I want to let the universe lead me exactly where I should be going. I want destiny to row my boat. 

so for real this time...

I shall Sip Slow...

& let it flow

(but ask me again next week)

xoxo

-Signs the girl that needs to take a chill pill

Finding Yourself...

It's only now that I fully understand what people meant when they said 

"You have to fully lose yourself, in order to find yourself" 

Life happens to everyone, and everyone reacts differently and/or somewhat similarly. 

In the last couple of years I was forced to shed many layers of skin. Experiencing things that I never thought "would be happening to me". Truth is, everyone goes through it, some worst than others, everyone though, to some extent. 

The thing about being "lost", is that you don't realize you are, not until every inch of you craves for its normalcy. Until you find yourself completely stuck, unsure if to move forward or take several steps back. 

Which is where I am now... 

That place where the only thing I want, is to be exactly who I use to be. 

I realized being lost leaves you completely empty and filling the void with all these things without substance. That the more I looked put together, the less I had it figured out. 

It's only when you've reached this place that you begin to understand yourself more, mostly because you are forced to, if you want anything to ever be normal again...

So that's me right now...

Fully aware that I've created a beautiful...empty shell... 

So I'm slowly trying to find myself, & a me filled with substance again...

even if that means taking a few steps back to retrace my steps.

even if that means accepting the things I have lost

even if that means acknowledging where I went wrong

even if that means shedding a few more layers before I find me...

the me I was trying to find in everyone else.

xoxo

-Signs the girl in search of a center. 

Oh, Timmy!

We all know Timmy...

At least some version of him. 

The "emotionally unavailable"guy

the "still caught up on his ex" guy

the "I just want to have fun" guy

the "I love you but I'm not ready yet" guy

the "we can't be together, but no one else could have you" guy

the "I really like you, I'm leaving her soon" guy

The guy that some how makes you THAT girl. 

The girl that's one scene away from being on the cast of Love & Hip Hop. The girl that often comes out of character & starts behaving in ways you vowed you never would. 

Sometimes we continue to meet Timmy within different people. Often leaving us wondering, "Am I the problem"...

Truth is. YES. yes I am the problem. Yes I'm the one who continues to let all versions of Timmy within my reality. Time & time again, I get clear hurricane alerts that this is yet another Timmy. But I surf that wave anyway, assuming,  this time, it will be different. This time Timmy will finally have evolved to Tom & will come with a lifevest to save me. 

Ehhh...  Try again Doll.

You usually get exactly what your gut tells you. That feeling that doesn't go away, even when we try our darnest to ignore it. That's the Timmy hurricane alert you keep ignoring. 

I'm still trying to figure it out, figure out why Timmy is always so appealing. Why one of my favorite things to do is entertain Timmys all over the world.  

Is it possible, that I'm simply as emotionally unavailable as Timmy? 

That Timmy is simply a reflection of Me...

:welp:

XoXO

-signs the girl that has some thinking to do...

Let me be blind, damn!

Oh Social Media... 

What an unhealthy relationship I have with you. The type that's borderline obsessive. The type that feeds you more negativity than it does positive. The type that takes & takes, forgetting to give a little. 

But you give me so much...

so much information that leaves me misinterpreting just about everything! 

"Ignorance is Bliss" they say. 

This was surely said long before the concept of social networks was even a thought in anyone's mind. 

They must have said this...

because they knew exactly what they were talking about!!

It's a concept that is arguable. Both sides having valid points on which reality is best. 

That of knowing nothing OR that of THINKING you know it all. 

Social Media continues to give us an overload of information, the type, that when it matters enough, we piece together like detectives trying to figure out exactly why someone is or isn't a certain way. 

We've all done it. 

We've all caught ourselves in Timmy's uncles, best friends, dog page wondering A)How did I end up here & B) Timmy's uncles best friend has a picture of Timmy from 83 weeks ago with that girl I knew he was still talking to. 

BOOM. 

(Half of us ready to change careers & send our resume to the FBI) 

BUT...

What do you gain from this, REALLY?

Aside from information overload about a persons past, that may have no relevance to their present. As well as more reason to lose trust in a person you already don't trust, because let's face it, it's the year 2015 & we can't even trust the coffee guy at our favorite deli that we've known since we were 4. 

Social Media has given us the power to piece together a puzzle with only 25 pieces out of the 100. Leaving is with an incomplete puzzle, yet passing judgement based on what we think we know. Assuming that the next 75 pieces won't be much different than the ones right in front of it. 

I mean, if it's on social media, it must be 100% of the story. Duh

So how do you turn a blind eye, when everything is right in front of us. 

How do we reach this eternal blissful state of ignorance, when we're given so much useless information. 

Where do they sell those blindfolds because honestly I need a couple.  

How do I even start to get to know someone & NOT add them on social media, opening the doors to the inevitable...

knowledge...

mehh...

xoxo

-Signs the girl that wishes she wasn't a stalker. 

"Ignorance is bliss. I wish I still had some".- Adam Pascal