Selfish- Self Reflect- Self.

I was called selfish the other day. (among other things "self involved, needy, childish, the world doesn't revolve around me, extra...etc....etc... clearly I've been having a hell of a few days lol) Can't say it was the first time, unfortunately...
But it might have been one of the first times that I took a seat & thought hummmm...

"how selfish am I" (& all those other things) 

As much as I act like things just slide right off me, I more often than not, take in everything everyone says and reflect on it. Even if I don't fully believe the things someone is saying, I know they have a reason for saying the things they do. It always stems from something & it's clearly the perspective they have of me, one I've helped form.

We tend to forget that the conclusions drawn about us, all come from things we've done or said in the past. So sometimes, it's not the persons fault, but the fault of the things you're doing that is giving the wrong impression. Or what you think is not a true reflection of you. We're quick to backlash, roll our eyes and dismiss unsolicited opinions. Quick to shut someone out that's letting you know simple observations they've made about you (trust me, my first instinct is always to tell people to go suck one)...

BUT... after you've had your moment. You should truly...genuinely take it in. Digest everything they have said and figure out where it's coming from. GIVEN, sometimes these opinions are coming from people that don't even know you from a hole in the wall. & other times these opinions are coming from a very bias place. BUT regardless of that, ALWAYS reflect. You can't change what everyone thinks of you, it's nearly impossible, in fact you shouldn't entirely care what every single person thinks. But you can truly change your approach on things and see how things change. Not to say to alter who you are or your beliefs, heck you might be completely happy with the things you do and not give a shit what anyone ever says.

I'm just not that person. Some opinions matter more than others, especially when I agree with it to an extent. Especially when I'm on a path of bettering myself and the only way to do that is to take in what the universe is telling you. In reality self reflection is useless if you're only relying on self. You are never in it alone, so you have to trust the process. Trust that everyone in your path is there to help you or teach you something...

So I'm learning... I'm reflecting... wish you would do the same.

xoxo
signs the girl that admits imperfection.

Private Friends

In a world that has become so public, very little is completely private.

As you may or may not know, I'm quite a public person. I love sharing life with everyone that's in mine. I share the good moments and the people I love most. I've always been this way. I enjoy shouting from the mountain tops when I love my friends & family deeply. Until I had to learn that very few people are like me. That most people don't wear their heart on their sleeves and dedicate paragraphs to their friends. That some people prefer to love you privately, fully.

I guess growing up with a dad like mine, I should have learned this lesson early on in life. Papi loves deeply, but not always visibly. As much as you question his heart, you could never question his loyalty.

It makes sense why I attract so many people that are very much like him. My girl best friend barely post pictures of herself, much less me. My guy best friend. most people think we don't even talk. You wouldn't think my ex even liked me (or anyone) unless you spent enough time with him.

& a select other friends...

Not to say this is easy. It was a learning curve, one I only embraced NOW after all these years. It took a lot of crying, not understanding and acceptance. Accepting that how someone feels isn't necessarily for everyone else to see. That for something to be genuine, it doesn't require a witness. That you shouldn't question anyone who's consistently there, based on assumptions made by others on observations made in public. How something looks in public doesn't necessarily define it's substance (both in good & bad lights). In a world that has become so public... accepting that something is better in private seems hard to comprehend.

I've learned that sometimes people aren't hiding me, they are simply embracing me in private.

(Then there are those other people, just hiding me lol)

xoxo,
signs the girl embracing her private friends, you know who you are.

Friend Break ups.

We all read about love & relationships... especially heart breaks & break ups. But one thing we don't hear about often, is Friend Break ups. & from my experience in life, those often have a bigger impact than any relationship.

The older we get the more we lose people along the way. Some just with the passing of time and others in ugly bitter ways. I must say I've been blessed in the friend department. I have a solid group of people I am very close to and also a bunch of individuals who I'm close enough to. This doesn't mean I haven't lost people along the way, because I have. Plenty.

But we all have that one friend break up that practically broke us. At least I think we all have, & if you haven't, stay blessed. You don't know the void losing a friend creates. From time to time you look back and think of where you went wrong along the way. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth in knowing that someone you were once so close to and claimed a forever with, suddenly is a stranger. A bond much different than an intimate partner, it's like a sister or brother you picked.

Mami always told me "amigo, como un peso en el bolsillo"... basically saying friends are like a dollar in your pocket, it's gone quite easily. I always refused to listen as I hold all my friendships so near and dear.

Until that one break up. That one that change my perspective of all friendships. Made me reevaluate myself and those around me. It broke me down. It created a sadness and void bigger than most break ups. I lost what I thought was a forever friend.

Obviously with time you get over everything & I did. But can't lie from time to time I think about it. About the good parts. Facebook doesn't help with it's new memory feature. Simply to constantly remind you how different things once were. But no need in dwelling...

But I just wish more people would acknowledge friend break ups. Because they hurt... sometimes worst than any other kind...

xoxo
Signs the girl that's been there.

Group Chats

It's like everyone woke up one morning and decided one on one texting wasn't necessary anymore... let's make a group chat instead.

(maybe we all secretly missed the days of AOL chatrooms) 

I don't know when, how are why it started... I just know that I'm involved in one too many. Me & the rest of the world. It can become quite overwhelming (I have a few on mute) and usually the conversations hold nothing of substance. A whole lot of ranting, photo sharing & plans that never actually happen.

Group chats (along with most social media platforms) give you the false sense of true bond. You practically chat with these people on a daily basis... but the question was brought up to me the other day which made me pause for a bit...

"Would you talk to everyone involved in the group chat, if it weren't for the chat"...

for some of my chats, the honest answer would be, NO...

and at the moment, I blew my own mind. I'm entertaining a whole lot of people that I wouldn't naturally do so. How honest & healthy is that to my day to day life. For a second I wanted to exit every chat (obviously I didn't, I might miss out on a good meme)...

What it did was make me realize that some friendships these days are falsely held together by group chats & internet likes. Some "friendships" have absolutely no substance. I have some friends that I don't remember the last time I "private message" them outside of the chat. Then I have other friends that I one on one text often (not necessarily daily) and they are more aware of what's happening in my life than any group chat, you know like people use to do, back in the day. (I even have friends that I facetime & call ::gasp:: how ancient of me)...

So why am I even talking to some of y'all??

It left me wondering & asking you the question... if you left all your group chats right now... who would you still text?

xoxo
signs the girl figuring out who matters.

Oh, it's February?

Valentines Day is rapidly approaching, that holiday some of us try to forget, some actually forget, and others start mentioning since January 2nd. It's that holiday that serves as a special day to show those you love, that you truly care...

& reminding those that don't have a significant other...well that you're single and people care for you... just not quite LIKE THAT.

I think I've ALWAYS cared about valentines day. As commercialized and overrated as it is as a holiday, I'm a holiday person, so no holiday gets left behind. It's just a little different when you don't have someone to celebrate it with. You're left trying to figure out if you should make a big deal and make it a huge singles night out... or if you should stay home & wallow in where things went left in life. (Not to mention this year it's a 3 day weekend...)

A day in which you have to avoid the internet. It's a mix of bitter singles bashing couples, a group of people ranting about the commercialized holiday, and sweet couples over posting their play by play of gifts & date. All in all , a total drag...

I'd like to think I'm none of the above, I just happen to be a single girl that loves the holiday and has no one special to share it with (unless I find someone between now & then... 12 days lol, it's happened before)... I don't bash couples or side eye people celebrating... I simply embrace that oh, it's February... and there's that.

But can't help from time to time to think about chocolates, flowers & love...

xoxo
signs the girl remembering it's February.

But, is he Pretty...

I received a semi casual non-invasive lecture this weekend...

About Relationships...

Nothing new, but for the first time it actually clicked... You hear it often "the way someone looks physically shouldn't be a major factor in choosing a life partner"... You hear it, but sometimes you don't listen... you're like ehhh no, how someone physically looks has everything to do with how far we get...

Then you hear what you just said & reconsider. You then start to wonder, if you are in fact "shallow"...

I never considered myself a shallow person, I just give very limited people the time of day. Either I like you or I don't... no real gray area. I guess I didn't consider myself shallow because it's not all physical, it's more about an energy to me. But then I realized I don't give people the chance to grow on me. I don't get to know someone to then decide how I feel. If I don't feel it from the very beginning I don't even try to figure it out from there. Which only means I'm very selective and closed off with that energy.

Has it worked out for me? Not at all as you can see. My approach hasn't exactly landed me in a long lasting fulfilling partnership... So maybe it's my approach I have to change. Maybe I should stop going for my "type" and go with what works best.

Not necessarily settling, but broadening my horizons, throwing a bigger net... Being more receptive of positive encounters.

Pretty much I might give people a shot, that I might not have wanted to originally...

I have to stop asking myself if he's pretty, because pretty won't fill my soul...

Let's see where that takes me... stay tuned for those adventures...

xoxo
signs the girl changing her approach.