Online Dating

Soo...
I've started a new journey a month or 2 ago...
I "excitedly" joined the virtual world of online dating.

I was quite hesitant in doing so, because I never felt all that "desperate" to meet someone. Not to say I got desperate,

but...

waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning on Memorial Day weekend with no where to go... can make you do a lot of random things... including join Match.com.

It was instantly interesting, filling out the bio and seeing your "connections". Some real lookers and some real scary looks. Messages started coming in quickly (if you ever need an ego boost, just join a dating site)... Conversations were flowing and shockingly enough, some people manage to get my number (I was quite surprised, but impressed with myself that I was being "open"). Some conversations never left the initial greeting. Others made it pretty far but fizzled somewhere in between... (I'll keep all the exciting details for another post)... No one quite making me excited with their Good Morning text, in fact I rolled my eyes quite often.

I told myself I'll give it 30 days, by day 15 I was SOoOoO over the app. So over the constant messages from grandpa's, little boys, deadbeats... so I shut down the app....

I said, nope, this isn't for me. I'll just have to wait it out, be patient..."que lo mio esta por ahi"...

Until this weekend...

No, I wasn't bored...
No, I didn't have a desperate moment...
I was just introduced to a new app & the possibilities sounded promising...
SOoo... I signed up for Bumble... and I must say, Day 2 & I haven't rolled my eyes yet... In fact I've been quite impressed with the "options".

BUT

2 months later... I've done a whole lot of texting and absolutely NO DATING... Probably because I'm terrified of my awkwardness. Probably because I'm so use to meeting people through people and having references... Probably because Dating comes with so many questions after... Probably because trial & error was never my favorite thing... Probably because it's exhausting and reintroducing myself to someone new time & time again, makes me question too much who I am and what I have to say about myself.... Probably because...I just want things to work out...

sigh...

xoxo-
Signs the Girl who's giving this an honest shot...

Common Sense...

I wonder how it happens...
How common sense slowly leaves your body when emotions begin to take over. Why is it that you stop thinking rationally. Why is it that things begin to have more than one meaning...

When the ability to think logically doesn't cease, but the desire to does. 

Probably right in the moment where rational thinking would require you to make a change in your current situation...
Probably right when you realize logic does not satisfy the comforts of right now and will alter the reality you have created in your heart...
Probably right when you realize common sense makes no sense for what you desire....

Probably right when you realize its wrong...

I wonder when it happens...
When you shut down that voice in your head, when you silence the gut feelings... when common sense stops being what you use. When you begin to prefer your other senses, the ability to hear someone else's heart beat instead of your own, the ability to smell comfort in something outside of you... the ability to hear ONLY the things you choose to hear...the ability to see ONLY the things you choose to see...

I wonder why it happens...
Why our brains & heart find it difficult to coexist sometimes. One always taking the upper hand, both rarely on the same wavelength. Why we start using a logic different than the common conclusion. Why we begin to see things for what we want them to be, and not for what they are.

I wonder sometimes...

xoxo
Signs the girl who knows better...but doesn't always do better

The Bigger Picture...

sometimes we need to take a few steps back & look at the bigger picture. I guess all the time. We need to understand that when you focus too much on what's 2 inches in front of you, you lose sight of everything else around it. Often times the only way to get a glimpse of the bigger picture is by discussing the image with someone else. Get a different perspective, see things from another angle...

But...

You have to be cautious and aware with who you're analyzing a picture with. Before you take it all in, you have to realize that people analyze situations relative to their own experiences, based on the details you tell them, based on the half of the picture you're showing them. This doesn't mean their perspective isn't helpful, simply means you shouldn't always take it as bible. You shouldn't assume their view is solid or any better than your own. I have been quite blessed in my life to be surrounded by some amazing individuals, people who are usually quite willing and able to analyze pictures with me. As an over-thinker it becomes quite chaotic at times, to add outside sources to the many thought bubbles already in my head. I truly do take in everything everyone says and jot it down. I analyze where they are coming from, why they say the things they do and footnote it.

But...

That doesn't mean I listen. Essentially, I'm very much a "I do what I want" type of person. Even so, that doesn't mean I don't have it noted. It doesn't mean that from time to time I don't look at the footnotes & think hummm "should I really consider this"...

That's why sometimes, from time to time, I quietly sit down and look at the picture alone. I take my untainted views and analyze not only what's 2 inches in front of me, but everything around it. I take steps back to get a better view...only my own.

We often have situations figured out, just takes us some time to accept what we know VS what we want, that's usually why we ask other people in hopes that maybe they see something you don't...

Just remember no matter how long you stare at a picture, what's there won't change, only how you see it.

xoxo
signs the girl staring at pictures...

Unavailable

"you are a reflection of who you attract..."

This has been the go to phrase the last couple of years. I finally realized what I'm attracting & now I'm simply wondering why. I'm wondering why I'm continuously attracting emotionally unavailable people.

If they are a reflection of me...

then... 

....I'm emotionally unavailable...

::welp::...

HOW?...WHY?...HUH... all my reactions when the reality settled. Here I sit, thinking I have my whole heart open, ready, willing & able...when the actuality might be otherwise...

How do you adjust that? 

How do you figure yourself out?

How do you sit down & change things you don't even realize you are? 

...

then it hit me... I've been given all the time in the world to grow. 

By myself...FOR myself

I've been given the tools to better myself as a person, emotionally. physically and mentally...

& I always seem to start on this self discovery journey, but always sort of drift off half way...

I think its time I stop drifting away from the focus, 
ME, being the focus. 

I do not have children so this is the best time to put all my energy on just myself. To make decisions based on my own feelings and needs. 
I'm unavailable because I still have a lot to work on. I keep seeking what I think I want, when I'm not quite ready for anything at all. When I'm not even sure I know what I want or need. I have a list I keep readjusting. I have a heart that needs some mending. I have a soul that needs some comfort. All things I can only do on my own.

This is me. On my own & unavailable until further notice.

xoxo

Signs- Unavailable. 

Social Media- Chapter 1

Perceived Reality VS Reality.

We live in the times of social media.

• Either you're an overly active member who both post and looks all the time
• an active member who post sometimes & looks all the time
• a member who quietly observes constantly
• or an active lurker who's "too cool to get your own account"... 

One thing holds true, no matter what kind of member you are, you are involved. Willingly, unwillingly or even reluctantly. It's become a part of our every day lives, in order to be in the know of current trends, world news, local news or what your friends did last night, you have to be on social media.

BUT

one major thing lacking behind..the 140 character tweets...the 10 second snapchat...the image & caption on IG...or the status/image update on Facebook... Is that none ever tell a full story. We get small snippets into someones reality, one that is deciphered and interrupted like morse code by all those watching. Creating a whole new level of reality, a perceived reality that you sometimes forget you're creating. You forget that with every post or lack there of, people are piecing together a story of your reality. All while missing major details, all while only getting parts of the story you're telling.

At one point I thought, well that's OKAY. Perceived reality is just something they're creating, sucks for them...until slowly but surely Social Media has taken over & this perceived reality has become more important than actual reality. What you're putting out to the world to see now matters more because in most cases this is all they're getting, because now its the social norm, because now it effects emotions, because now it validates things.

• It validates status (even if you're a loser)
• validates friendships (even if you don't really like each other)
• validates relationships (even if he's cheating)
• validates beauty (even if you used 10 filters).... 

the list goes on & on... So even if you go to sleep every night crying, the smile on your selfie tells another story and that's the story people are paying attention to. Clearly no one post their every struggle....and they probably shouldn't, I don't REALLY want a play by play. BUT without the ups and downs, without the details, without straight forward statuses we'll never really know whats what. 

We'll only know this virtual perceived reality... the one that apparently matters most... or does it?

TO BE CONTINUED...

xoxo
-Signs the girl working on both realities

Potential

I read this & it provoked many thoughts. As I could relate to many aspects of what it says. 

Potential: adjective1. having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future.

I'm aware that I'm not the only one in the world that sees the potential in other people. I once thought that it was a positive quality of mine, the ability to see the good in everyone. (I only think senseless killers & child molesters are "bad"). The older I get, the more I realize it might not be the best thing. I think everyone has potential to be amazing...this is still true. BUT, that doesn't mean everyone will get there. It doesn't mean that everyone will reach their full potential, at least not in my lifetime, or at least not while I'm around to witness it. 

People grow at a different pace, people are comfortable being a certain way & no one could truly get in the way of that. As much as we like to think we change people, we don't, people make a conscience effort to try to change, doesn't mean we did anything, it means they did. 

& that's okay. 

I'm sure people have met me & also thought I was full of potential, but "not quite there yet"... I think women suffer from this more than men. We tend to assume our nurturing nature will eventually change the way someone is, or at least adjust it. But that's rarely the case, A person only reaches their potential when they are working to get there, when they put in 100% effort to reach it. NOT when you work for them to get there, NOT when you put in 100% effort for them to reach it. Once you accept that potential is an individual mission and not a team effort, you learn to accept people for who they actually are, and not who you wish them to one day be. 

This is where it might get tricky. The part where you have to accept who they are and decide if you're okay with that. Decide if who they are right now works for you, not who you think they could be, not who they once were, but exactly who they are at the moment. Sometimes, we, I, remain stuck in the who you were, or the who you could be. Get stuck in this concept of "potential", in the "after a few adjustments", in the "remember when you were perfect"... in the "this once worked"... in the "they will come around eventually"... 

But...

We...I... have to learn to let go of potential & work on my own. Become the best version of myself and let everyone work on their own potential. Accept people for who they are and let go of those who no longer prove to have any interest in adjusting. 

xoxo...

signs the girl letting go of potential... 

Hand Salute...

Dear Sir,

I've been writing you this letter the moment I found out you weren't doing well... Something about our conversation that day just felt different. It felt like a final farewell, a final goodbye, a final I love you.

That's one thing I always loved about speaking to you, we never ended a conversation without saying "I love you". It never felt routine like, never felt obligatory...it felt right, just saying it to you. I keep playing your voice-mails...Just So I can keep hearing it...
...I'm glad we got our final I love you's in, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you knew exactly how much you meant to me.

While I was raised with two amazing sets of grandparents, somehow you always felt like family to me, the TV grandpa I always wanted...

...It was May 1994 when I met you, It was May 1994 when I first fell in love with the corps. A little over 21 years of this growing adoration for you. I still remember that day, partly because of my astonishment for the corps and mostly because you tried to kiss my mom that day. I instantly thought, this guy is something else... I was only 8 years old...

8 years old when I picked up the fife and knew I would one day be part of that amazing Mother Cabrini High School Military Drum Corps. Only 8 when the corps consumed my soul... Back then I had no idea how much the corps or you would impact my life, never knew that many years after I'd still proudly state that I was part of one of the most amazing organizations I'd ever know.

You were definitely one of those people you only meet once in a lifetime. People didn't have to know you to love you, they just automatically did. From your candid jokes, to your consistent saying "you gotta keep smiling", a phrase that to this day I still wear on my sleeve. You were able to teach hundreds of teenage girls discipline above all. We learned responsibility, respect and that we were a lot more capable than we might have ever thought. That as teenagers we could diligently learn to play music, learn commands, and run a decent size organization. You made that possible for us, Sir. While the corps was there long before you...It would mean nothing to me without you being a part of it...

Sergeant Major... 11 years later & you still called me by my title, a title if allowed I'd still sign documents with. Not sure any other position in my life has ever matter or measured up to it. I owe you that pride... I owe you for assuring me that if you work hard enough in anything, you will succeed.

Thank You Sir... I could probably write forever about you... Too many memories to jot down, too many events... too many things just rushing to mind right now... too many things that add up to all the things you meant to me...

But I guess all I wanted to say was, I love you, Sir... & Thank You.


XoXo
Signs a girl that already misses you...