Comfort in Instability...

I, like most people, love the feeling of new. As much as I hate endings and falsely claim to not adjust to change. All my adult life has been a constant revolving door, from living arrangements, marital status, friendships, jobs, relationships, financial standing... Always something...NEW.
It's how I function. It's how I learned to work, It's how I've adjusted. So much so, that I no longer know the concept of longevity. I no longer know what long term feels like, in most things.

Maybe I don't know what full stability feels like, because I've been in a seemingly unstable state for a bit now.
I've had to reprogram myself to accept uncertainty and be okay with it. I've had to accept things that are neither her, nor there. To accept that I have little control of most things in life...

Until now...
I'm slowly creeping into "stable" state. Slowly entering a place in my life where things are at a calm. Therefore I've been seeking a middle ground for all areas of my life. (Once one thing  falls into place, everything else follows suit)

But...

I've noticed how much comfort I find in instability. I gravitate towards rocky roads , because your chances of tripping are higher, therefore it's expected. When you trip on smooth solid ground the impact is always harsher because it's not really anticipated, it's "smooth solid ground" after all (no such thing, by the way... all concrete cracks eventually, giving way for tripping hazards)...  So I've found myself constantly preparing for impact... so much so, I put myself & keep myself in unstable situations because it has become "easier", it has become my "norm"... it has become what I know. It has become...comfortable.

To walk a path that leads to no where, leaves no real room for surprises, the only real surprise would be it leading to somewhere.

I'm not saying I'm taking out my map now and looking for better paths... simply saying I know where it stems from... I know why...

Let me handle it... you handle yours.

xoxo
Signs the girl that might be seeking a map.

Do I Even Know You...

Fancy to see you here...

Ever have moments where you completely doubt your connection with someone else? Where you analyze the situation and realize, you don't even know them. Be it family, friends, lovers...

Moments where you sit back & it's like...hummmm ......"Do I even know you"

Reality is, you probably have these moments with everyone. As predictable as we are as humans, we have layers upon layers that make us who we are. So you never fully know someone and are constantly learning, constantly getting to know them.

We are even constantly reintroduced to ourselves. 

Despite knowing this... it's always an uncomfortable feeling to see new layers of someone you've seemingly known for years. It's always an uneasy shyness of meeting "someone new", even when it's someone that you've known. It still makes you take a step back and think...."Do I even know you".

It's always an adventure to get to know someone, it's always a choice we make to know layers of them. We can know someone for years and really not know them, simply because we choose not to, and they choose not to share.

This truly defines the level of your bond. Truth is you might have known someone "in and out" but a year has passed without a connection & you won't really know them anymore. We are ever evolving creatures so it requires a conscience effort to "know someone"...

But..

I think it's always difficult to accept when you've merely scratched the surface of someones layers. When you realize that you only thought you were going "deep", and truly haven't. That "Do I even know you" feeling is never comforting... That awkward moment when you realize you don't know them, that moment when you have to sit back and accept that you only wished you did. That "time", does not play a part in situations where you were not let in.

That sometimes we're simply left waiting at the door, talking through a window, never welcomed inside...
leaving you with constant moments of...

"Do I even know you..."


xoxo
signs the girl, that knows she knows nothing.

It could be so simple...

But then, I wouldn't want it... 

Here I go again, being reflective on myself. In the end of the day, you have to deal with yourself more than anyone else, so why not get to know yourself more & more each day. It does in fact require effort, Self discovery does not fall on your lap. 

so where were we...oh yes... 

"It could be so simple...but then I wouldn't want it..." 

Everyone loves a challenge it's true. (Not sure about EVERYONE, but it's quite common). I think I over did it though. Simple just doesn't do it for me. Easy, equals mediocre in so many levels. Yes, the reality is, in the long run nothing is ever truly simple or easy. Everything has it's levels of complexities and challenges. 

BUT

Some people like climbing hills, and I seem to prefer Mount Everest. I blame my mom (obviously), she told me, I could do whatever I want in life and that everything I want I could get, if I work for it...

She absolutely DIDN'T mean in the love department, but I ABSOLUTELY decided that I can in fact apply the concept in ALL things. 

It's not that I prefer complicated, it's that I prefer to work towards that feel good level. Don't give it to me instantly, because I have proven to not know what to do with it when it's handed to me without any effort on my end. I don't know what it's like to just...get it. Therefore the bigger the challenge the more intrigued I become, the more work I put in.

DISCLAIMER: This is not to be confused with liking "bad boys" or "assholes" or "fuckboys" or "jerks"... That's not necessarily the challenges I'm referring to. I'm not fully into being mistreated.

BUT...

The reality is... it's DUMB... and tiring on so many levels. 
Things don't work out just because you want them to, or because you worked towards it. Furthermore, a lot of mountains, are not worth climbing, AT ALL. Sometimes you get to the top only to discover it was the challenge that you wanted more than the end result. (This has happen to me more often than I'm proud to admit)

I'm still working on taking a seat and reflecting on situations I put myself in. Trying to figure out if I like the challenge or do I actually want the end result. &&&& is this end result even feasible (clearly I still think I could get whatever I want, because HELLO, Mami said so.)

I'm not saying I'll change completely... It's in my nature to take up challenges, BUT I will in fact learn to distinguish what challenges are worth my time & effort, and which just aren't. 

Give me 1pm simplicity... You can keep your 4am complexities... 

(I lied when I said that..give me both...)

xoxo
signs the complicated girl that loves complicated... 

"Do Not Answer"

Have you ever changed a contacts name on your phone? (multiple times)
I'm quite infamous for this, from altering emoji's, to deleting contacts all together.

(Disclaimer: I don't do this to just any ol' friend, it's obviously to reallllly close ones...and you know...the really really close intimate ones lol, I don't spend my days editing numbers).... 

One thing I have always heard of people doing, is changing their contacts names to "Do Not Answer" "Do Not Reply" "Ignore", this done solely so they wouldn't answer for a variety of personal reasons. (aside from trying to hide out from bill collectors)

I never felt the need to do this, because as long as the number is saved, I'll likely use it. & let's face it, I do what I want!

This concept did not phase me until recent years...
you see, I happen to find out someone had me saved under "Do Not Answer"- ( I know, I was shocked too, who would ever want to ignore me)... I was obviously shocked, and a bit hurt...followed by puzzled because despite the contact name change I was being contacted... I didn't fully understand, but cut the situation right there and then.

FAST FORWARD to present day... and here I am using the same fake ass technique... and changing a contact name to "DO NOT ANSWER"... clearly already failing to work. It serves as a reminder that you shouldn't answer, but essentially you knew that before the person even contacted you. In fact it just makes you feel silly because you're replying/answering a contact name that says not to.

But sometimes, you need a little nudge, you need to remind yourself that you're silly for entertaining certain things, you need to know when to just cut something out. You need a constant warning whenever you're contacted...

all in all, no two situations are ever alike and everyone does things for their own reasons. BUT all I can say is...I get it now...

xoxo
signs the girl still answering

Soooo...About that

I'm quite impulsive.
Very rarely do I take a breather & truly think things through. Mostly because I become engulfed and overwhelmed with emotion (only to shrug my shoulders a few hours later)... This causes a lot...A LOT... of issues on my day to day interactions.

I make rash decisions and make up my mind without a second thought...only to have 3 or four thoughts after.

I don't know how much I have to emphasize that I'm a walking/talking contradiction. My thoughts, actions and words are to not be trusted...because they never really align.

I'm not sure if it's because I lie to myself, or I'm truly just hiding my own feelings from other people.
Whatever it is... I need to take a chill pill.

I have successfully manage to do so in the work place. After a few hard learned life lessons, I realized my emotions have no place in corporate America. BUT when will I ever learn to chill out in real life? I naturally want to blame those around me. People cater to my ways, they react accordingly and accept I am how I am. Not helping me take genuine strides to change.

Except now, I'm truly attempting to make real changes. I want to pause for a second before I lash out. I want to take a minute to myself before I do things. I want the things I say to truly match what I feel and NOT just for that moment. I want the decisions I make to remain consistent throughout.

Basically... I need some consistency with my words & actions... I don't want my inconsistency to be the only consistent thing about me. I don't want the things I do to be taken lightly because they are seemingly passive (because truth is, they are in fact, passive)...

I need to figure this out, before my next contradiction.

xoxo
signs the inconsistent girl.

People Hoarder

I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I know for sure...

Once you get past the crazy & the unnecessary sarcasm... My energy is dope. 

Contagious of sorts.
People enjoy vibing with me as much as I love vibing with people. 

I'm carefree at an age where people start losing that youthful spirit. 

I'm a refreshing reminder of what it is to just live the way you choose.
I'm uplifting and overwhelm people with what it is to be me..

I'm energy...
A positive feel good...
Energy... 

Which leads to my issue...

I'm a people hoarder. I keep people from all my walks of life. I keep them close enough that sometimes they get in the way. Enough that if need be, they can feel comfortable reaching out for me. Enough that I'm available.
Enough that every one gets a tiny piece of energy & some...an overwhelming part of me...

Enough that I'm almost losing more energy than I'm getting back.

I have this odd inability to fully push anyone away. I am capable of keeping to myself and not reaching out (some cases are more difficult than others)
BUT...
I am unable to truly block someone from my life. Incapable of fully ignoring someone when they reach out.
It's like I keep everyone in my back pocket.

This is somewhat associated to my memory. I have amnesia of sorts. I easily forget hurtful words or actions. I don't hold grudges, I get past stuff because nothing is ever that serious. I overreact then I take a step back and get over it... So I easily keep people, because everyone gets a clean slate... because I only keep a list of the good things unless I constantly remind myself of the bad...

I was once told "I'm the glue that holds people together"...
But some days I wonder...
what about me?
It comes in handy to be surrounded by so many people...
But some days, certain days...

I want to get the energy I'm giving... I want someone to fill the empty spaces that sometimes I'm lacking... I want someone to be dope for me, when I'm not feeling myself...

Some instances you give so much energy and hold your breath waiting to get it back...

& pass out.

xoxo
signs the girl lacking a bit of energy...

The message I'll never really send...

If you read my stuff often enough... you've already grasp the concept that while I say a lot, I don't say much at all.
This also holds true to my conversations in real life. I have the tendency to express incomplete sentiments. To expect people to complete my sentences.
I don't always fully say what I mean, or mean what I say.
Basically, I'm a mess of sorts...
Sooo... I'm about to write a message I'll likely never send... or even post...
----

Dear....

You might be wondering why the outburst...again.
Why I make rash sporadic decisions at times... 
Why I say one thing, then do another.
Why some days I'm ok, and others I'm not.

You see, I wear my heart on my sleeve while it's wrapped in chains, weighing my arm down making me unable to embrace you. 

You see, I'm dramatic in the purest of forms, I react without thinking because it comes straight from the soul... I take it all back because logic trumps over emotion... Always...

I lie a lot...

Not sure if more for myself or others... My ability to act like I'm unphased & ok... Is oscar worthy... 

Until the act consumes me... Until I'm unaware of what I really feel VS what I'm saying I don't... 

Until the scene gets too chaotic,  that not even I can hide it's effects on me...  

I love easily... But only silently... Because I've learned that true emotion only comes in forms of tears & not kisses...

I overreact... Because being normal isn't normal to me...

Because to know the immensity of my heart can only be shown in big forms...all while not showing anything at all...

I contradict myself...because some moments I know exactly what I want & others I know exactly what I need...

Then some times... I don't want neither... 

I'm unsure... Not entirely sure what I truly desire... Not entirely sure what's right for me... 

All I know... Is that it hurts again... My inability to say all the things I truly felt & only the ones I didn't... My ability to only show the things I shouldn't & hide all the things that should be shown... 

I hate the raw feeling of exposure, but every time my heart gets out... It feels like freedom... Vurnable unbearable, freedom... 

I don't make sense... Again

Guess this letter keeps getting written, time & time again...

What I'm really saying with all the things i haven't said... Is that I cared too much, more than I ever showed... 

Xoxo 

Signs me, Eliz.