When good still feels bad...

I never considered myself a bitter or tainted person. I've been through my fair share of "bad" experiences. I've encountered my fair share of "ain't shit people" people that have wronged me in some way or other. People that didn't deserve my time of day but somehow I managed to give them more than that...

It's not until you have a decent thing going that you realize just how bad people messed you up. It's not until things are going right, that you realize just how much wrong you've been through. Simply because even the right things you proceed with suspicion...because you find yourself doubting even the kindest of gestures. Like your life has become a big game of, waiting for the other shoe to drop, because its bound to...because that's how life works, isn't it? God forbid something could be all the way good, right?

I find myself in that place right now, where good feels doubtful... where good is temporary & I shouldn't make a home out of it... a place where I'm setting myself up for what will go wrong, because something always will...right? I've been in false good places before, in situations where it felt all the way right and then BOOM.... it's not. So I almost don't hype myself up anymore, but you can't help but have a little bit of hope, like maybe this time?

I'm not bitter, but I'm tainted... I see the goodness in everyone's heart, but I'm also aware of how capable people are to try to prove that their wrongs aren't wrong at all. I've seen how easily people convince themselves that they are doing NOTHING wrong, when they in fact are. So I'm doubtful, I question my own judgement, over analyze & over think.  I take every gesture & thread lightly. I refuse to dive head first, when I'm aware that sometimes diving in is what's required to make things work.... that dipping in your toe far too long might lead to losing your chance at a potential good swim....

That I find myself so ready to be hurt, that I hurt myself in the process... so here's to letting good be good, despite how much bad you've been through...

no more waiting for the shoe to drop... just taking today & right now for what it is... and hope for the best without expecting the worst...

xoxo
signs the girl that needs to get out of her own head

The best in you...

I have this trait, that some days I wonder if I should shake off...& other times I think it's the best thing about me...

you see I have this odd ability to assume the best of everyone until proven otherwise...& even when I am proven otherwise, I try to rationalize their reasoning in doing what they did/do. I try to see the best in people despite the often fucked up things they do. If I care at all for you, or saw even an ounce of goodness, that ounce overflows to buckets & makes up for the bad you may or may not be doing.


People tend to always defend their actions, & not see the wrong in what they do, I too do that for them. I try to put logic to things that have no valid substance. No matter how much I force myself    (yes literally force) to see someone for the layer of "bad" that they have shown/proven... I dig & dig to see the layers of good that every single person does have. I'm a strong believer of that & try to find it in everyone that I know personally.

I guess I just don't think people are capable of some of the things that they indeed do. Given... I haven't been faced with too many situations where I'm interacting with a serial killer. So I can't say it's a super power... I simply mean the every day "bad", the liar, cheater, thief, etc.. Trust me, people in all walks of life have done fucked up things to me. But I'm just not that person who holds a grudge about it... I might not fully stick around, but I sure won't see you as a bad person, EVER. 

Some days I wonder if that's a good or bad thing... If I should hold people more accountable for their actions, if their should be consequences or I should continue to coddle them and make them feel there is indeed no wrong in their actions? That I let the universe take it's flow, with no doing of my own....

See I think all these things, while still fully believing, there is good in every one... that for every bad, there is some good... of some form... & I'll always highlight that

Soo you reading this... I will always see the best in you no matter what you do...

But I won't always stick around to witness it...not forever at least.

xoxo
Signs the girl that always hopes for the best

ready or not...it's here...the new year...

This beginning wasn't feeling quite right & I figured out why... I hadn't taken the time to truly genuinely reflect on 2017 & my ambitions/dreams/goals/motivators for 2018. It came & went the big NYE party & now as I shake the vacation autopilot mode off... It's time to take the wheel & get things moving. Set out to accomplish the things I fell short on, in 2017 & continue to progress in the areas I excelled.

What can I say about 2017... It was a good one. It had it's fair share of highs & lows, but for the most part it goes down as one in which all the growth that took place did not stem from a negative place, but more so purely internal organic growth. I lost some, I gained some & that holds true for jobs, men, friends & weight. In all cases me learning more about myself.

But let's do a run down of lessons learned...

• If you find yourself in a similar situation from the past, it's indeed the universe testing you... Doing the same exact thing will leave you in the same exact place. Even if in a different light.
• When you're too scared to jump, often the universe will push you & you'll land exactly where you're meant to. 
• Some people will try to convince you that what you know & see, isn't exactly what IS. Don't let them, a spade's a spade no matter what it tries to paint itself as. 
• Trust the process, you'll eventually figure out what you want, you'll wake up one day knowing. Literally 
• You never know where you'll find comfort. 
• New people can be amazing...
• Cutting people & situations off is absolutely necessary for growth
• Friendships will shift forms, that doesn't change it's purity 
• Being in your 30's does in fact change absolutely everything... at least how you view it 
• Working hard might feel like a lot, but it pays off in the long run
• Getting to your goals later than anticipated, does not change that amazing feeling once you actually do. 
• Boys will forever suck, you just have to decide which one gets your time. 

& finally...give yourself some damn credit every once in a while... you're doing good baby girl... and you don't need anyone to say it for you or to you....

As for 2018, I'm a bit disoriented but I'm ready... I know what I want & I know what I've worked towards & what I will work towards... 

so ready or not...it's here...

Happy New Year!!!

xoxo

Signs the girl kinda ready for 2018

Stability & Validation

Seems like our lives are a constant game of seeking stability & validation. 

Not sure what it is about human nature, but we all at some point or other require the validation of someone else in order to feel like what we do or say holds weight. You'd assume this is something we grow out of, but it's not (at least not yet). The validation & from whom you require it, changes, but the need for it seems to linger around. Like we need the praise or approval of other people to make what we do or say matter. This does not hold true for all parts of our lives, the older I get the less validation I need in some aspects of my life. That does not change that sometimes from time to time I want someone to say "yeah, you're right", "yeah, you're doing good", "Good Job"! 

Or maybe we do grow out of it all together, guess we have to age & find out. 

We are also always seeking stability, but what does that really mean? Is anything ever really "Stable". In reality everything can fall apart at any given moment, because that's life. So why are we seeking something that essentially doesn't exist? The older I get the more I crave this false sense of stability. The more I desire to feel like I have things under control. It's a great, passive feeling which gets questioned constantly no matter how your life is. It's like we're setting ourselves up for failure seeking a state of mind that doesn't really exist. A state of mind whose fundamental parts require you to achieve milestones not entirely set by your own standards, but those set by society. 

So what is it all really, what is true validation & what does stability really mean...to you? 

I can sit here & write over 100 meanings it has in my life... and I'll bet a lot of our ideas match. But are we setting ourselves up for disappointment? are these validation truly valid to our existence? & when does that feeling of stability really kick in? Being a society that is never truly satisfied, is that feeling ever attainable? 

I am no where near the person I was 2-3 years ago, heck I'm not even the same person I was last year, YET with everything I've accomplished I still seek this validation from everyone telling me that I'm doing well for myself & I sill wish to reach this imaginably euphoric sense of stability. I'm not there yet... not at all... 

But will I ever be ...there?

xoxo

Signs the girl seeking your validation that no one else has felt stable 

Do you still talk to your ex?

Society tends to set a lot of rules on what we should or shouldn't do. I tend to, for the most part, go against some of these norms, not to be rebellious, but because I go with the wind & do whatever my soul feels at the moment.

One of the many taboo things I do, is maintain friendships with people I've been intimately involved with. Be it husband, boyfriend, casually cuddling friend ;) or everything in between... I tend to remain friends with some of these guys. Not because I'm keeping them reserved for future reference, but because once I have an emotional connection with someone, it is here to stay. I pride myself in being a good friend, so despite something not working out romantically, friendship wise, it will ALWAYS work. (For the most part)

Not to say these lines aren't sometimes blurry initially, but with time it's like any other friendship. I guess this is also attributed to my ability to get along well with men generally ( a lot of girls say this, but it's not necessarily true,) I'm not a girl with a bunch of guy friends, I'm a borderline guy with guy friends.

But I've swayed off track & the point. While I pride myself in my ability to maintain friendships and in people counting on my energy... I can't help but wonder why the fugz am I being friend zoned? People don't slow fade me, they keep me by their side forever. Like people want to be around me, but not with me? I mean in simple terms I'm likely a better friend than I am a partner. I know it's really a matter of timing and meeting the wrong people, but I must be doing something offsetting. Doing something right, yet wrong...if that makes sense.

This is not to say every single person I've talked to keeps me around. Some people I'm sure want to make believe I never existed (sounds like a personal problem). It's simply to say, clearly I'm not that bad, I have my flaws, as does everyone, but it makes it difficult to pinpoint sometimes.

I'm great or just not that great...

no se...

xoxo
signs the girl that's just a friend...kinda

How are you single?

I get that question a lot, by strangers... by people who know me... yes, even by people who dated me & aren't with me (crazy I know)...

How are you single?

I no longer get asked Why, but how, almost like everyone else is validating that I should have been picked by now...

Some times from time to time, I ask myself the same thing... I have my moments in which I question myself. You see, I have made it a habit to realize you should always look within when there's an issue. You should always first see if the problem is really.just.YOU...

::pick me pick me:: 

I can sit here & lie, say that me being single has been a choice. It hasn't! Me being single has everything to do with various failed attempts at trying something with people that trying something shouldn't have even been an option. It's complicated out there... it's not a matter of who you are, how you look or what you bring to the table...

it's a matter of luck.

Pure fate...

right place right time & hey this worked.

Most people don't like hearing that... they use their marital & relationship status as a badge of honor (yes you should be commended because those shits are TOUGH to maintain, so kudos to you) so they assume it's some secret formula or something they did "Right" that got them there... when that thing was simply the universe.... & patience...hella patience...

I even have moments where I disregard everything else I've done right & think damn "how am I single, I'm dope"... Then I realize my stability... my worth...my value was being determined by my ability to keep a relationship. As if everything else I've accomplished means nothing & the other relationships I maintain well, gives me no creditably.  As if something MUST be wrong because that part of my life just isn't working the way the world expects it to...

How am I single... I'll tell you... by dating in 2017...2016...2015...2014...2013 & being super good at everything else I do except tolerating another human intimately for too long.... By meeting the wrong people at the wrong time... by not finding anyone to match my dope yet...

xoxo
Signs the girl that knows exactly how & why...

Life is still a rollercoaster of emotions

Well, Hey there... It's been a while.

Trust me, I've had plenty to say, but not quite enough time to jot it all down.

Where do I even begin...

I'm quite convinced my life is an ongoing episode of "Insecure" & "Sex & the City". Didn't realize 30 would come with so many moments of "did that really just happen".

In some aspects my life deserves two thumbs up, my career is on a straight arrow path to success & stability, which was expected at 30 & I finally fulfilled my life long dream to live absolutely alone in New York. ::yay for me::

In other aspects... It's an absolute shit show, I work too much, I lost my work/life balance, I've gained some weight,  I have forever growing commitment issues & my dating life deserves a television gig. From dating apps to work flings, to "hey, you're kinda cute, let's spend some time together". You'd think my silence was due to a growing healthy relationship with someone. Truth is, that relationship has been with myself, and like 3-4 other guys. I ended 2016 basically wanting to vanish the entire male species, only to enter 2017 apparently trying to date the entire NEW YORK population. I wonder if that has anything to do with being 31 or simply the bitter taste 2016 left in my mouth...

Life is still a rollercoaster of emotions, & I've accepted that this is a reality. At some point in my life I thought things like this would stop, they would end & somehow adulthood would open up a clear path... boy, was I wrong. If anything, things are more confusing now, dips are steeper, twist are longer & free falling feels like forever. It's almost like the more we learn, the less we know. Life lessons simply teach us what we should have known when it happened, but doesn't necessarily prepare us for what to do when it happens again. Because somehow we find ourselves in the same twisted situations, knowing exactly what happened but paralyzed to remembering what we should be doing. and we find ourselves doing it again...

over & over again...

And that's my story... There is where I find myself right now. Exactly where you left me, but some how better off... a bit numb in the heart, but full in the soul...every day learning....

I've been adulting... the best way I know how....


xoxo
signs the girl that never fully learns...